Push Pull, Push Pull, Push Pull

I guess if you put someone on an emotional rollercoaster and push them away so many times expecting them to pull you back in they put their walls up and decide it’s not worth it. That’s what I did with G yesterday. My fear of being a secret again, of not being respected, or loved, or whatever came out full force and I unleashed all of it on him. When I realized what I had done and was trying to rectify the situation it was too late. So the magnitude of who and what I am ruins something magical once again. When will I ever realize that my fears can be comforted without having to be unleashed in order to do it?

Today I woke up wondering where we stood, to find out or realize that I really did mess things up. Here I am once again in this feeling of panic and abandonment and chasing something that I shouldn’t be chasing, because if he really cared or if he really wanted me in my mind he would help me to get through the fear. In my mind he’d be contacting me wanting to work things through, not the other way around. In my mind he’d be saying that it was a bump in the relationship, and that we can get past this, to talk it out, instead of this is too much. *sighs* I told myself no crying today, but the tears have already blustered in my eyes, and my soul.

The problem I’m realizing as a friend of mine HALF way across the world pointed out is that I am always moving forward. So for me to step back into the no relationship with G, the no intimacy, the just being friends, and dating thing again, I don’t know if I can do that, I don’t know if I can take that step backwards. Because my focus is always on moving forward and not looking back at the past and the what if’s of it anymore. I stared at that closed door way to long with The Past before I felt the breeze of the window. I realize that although logically I thought that I could just be friends with him for the two months till he got his stuff together, that I started to feel as though I was in it but I wasn’t. It was like I had one foot in the BF/GF relationship and one foot being single; I didn’t feel like it was fair. I wanted to be wanted, to not be let go, I felt like he was giving up to easily.

I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m still pushing away, but now I feel like I’m pulling him back also, because I’m so scared of letting go, yet not sure if I shouldn’t. Its like just make up your mind are we together or not? Let us move on from this, or let me go to move on with my life. It’s a libo of sorts, that the push pull results in.