Monday, June 28, 2010

Some hearts just get lucky sometimes.

I heard this song by Carrie Underwood today, it starts out with I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky, Always stumbling' around in circles, But I must have stumbled into something. The chorus says Some hearts They just get all the right breaks. Some hearts have the stars on their side. Some hearts, They just have it so easy. Some hearts just get lucky sometimes. Some hearts just get lucky, lucky sometimes.

It made me think today how I really have never been the kind you would call lucky in love. I've had moments of being blessed with love, but lucky? Never.

Seems like I stumble around in a maze with no out. I meet someone I give my heart, or sections of my heart and eventually I think I am heading towards that maze's out and its just another dead end.


I'm hoping one day I'll stumble on to something and a light will shine guiding me to that out.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The hike is not always easy.

I am starting to adore who I am and the ability to see where I am in my life, the struggles I have had and the path and issues I am still working on. This hike gets pretty tricky at times, but I have faith in my higher power to keep me safe. Sometimes the hike is flat and easy, I find myself thinking at those time aww this is nothing, then a hill occurs and I am reminded that I still have a lot to do. It's a wondrous hike.

I'm so proud of myself for being able to say NO to sex and dating. A certain someone from my past recently contacted me again on IM and his actions are so obvious that he wants sex that it is so easy to say No. I have made it clear that I am in a place of no sex and no dating. So I am proud of myself for being able to say NO!!!

Today is going to be a fun day.....I can't wait. Laundry (hey a girl needs clean clothes) and then biking at the beach with a GF. I am so excited!

Growing myself with love.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm peeeling!!!

As my sunburn starts to peel! I can't help but compare it to how my life is right now, as I peel back the layers in my life to figure myself out.

The initial burn to the skin, much like the initial pain of being hurt, realizing that that you need to get help.

Soothing the body with aloe, like the taking the first steps to a program, to the realization that the pain and sting of the burn can be relieved with knowledge.

The few days of moisturizing, trying to prevent the peeling. Like the opening of information, the first meeting, the first acceptance of being burnt and broken.

The peeling finally starts, you try to stop it with lotion, but in the end the peeling happens. Like opening your heart, mind and soul to accepting that you're broken and you're now peeling back the layers to get to the healthy part of yourself.

The peeling ends and a new skin (hopefully tanned) is exposed. Like a new you, healthier. A new you who has gone through the stages of re-birth.

So I'm peeling!!! And although it doesn't always look that pretty (I look like alien skin) it's necessary to what is going to be an amazing tan....and an amazing healthier ME!

Monday, June 21, 2010

I want a fairytale day.

So today was a weird day of sorts. I woke up this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and panic. I said goodbye to Yumminess, even sent him this long email. I felt the release of the anxiety and thought okay I can go through the day.

My oldest niece JM graduated today. You have to know a little about JM, she is my god daughter and when she was younger we were very close. When my ex husband and I divorced it tore at JM more than any of the kids. JM is my ex husband's niece by blood but I claim her and my other 3 nieces and 1 nephew by heart. I have always and will always be there for these 5 children regardless of my divorce of the family. Anyhow I was extremely happy for JM today, 2 years ago she went through a lot with her mom and her sexual preference that the once vivacious outgoing straight A student started failing and it looked as though she would never graduated. Last summer she pulled herself together and today she graduated in a class of 346 students.














Fairytale

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm taking a break!

So the past few days I have had some very interesting email conversations with a person who has started to read my blog. Its funny to get emails with comments about my blog, how they relate to it and what they find out about me .I am enjoying that there are people reading my blog and relating to it so that is nice. I thought that it might change how I write but really I realized once I start writing it just flows.

So the conversations with this person and my reactions to some of the things that they have told me surprised me a bit. I felt all sorts of emotions and I had never even meet them. Emotions ranging from jealousy, to hurt, to laughing, to happiness. For some reason although I know mentally this person isn't right of me, that loneliness and that part of me that says maybe just maybe, was there. The more I am getting to know this person the more that the door for romance closes.

Last night we had a miss-communication/hurt feelings via text. I knew that they had been with 2 women over the past 2 days but came to find out that it was really 3 over 3 days. Now I know some men and women for that matter are probbably thinking "lucky dog" but to me I was thinking to myself...really? Why are you 1. telling me this when it seems as though you are trying to get me to go out with you and 2. why are you doing that to yourself when you say you want a relationship? You can't develop a relationship with someone if you are doing the deed with a harem of women. You really can't! Your focus is not on the right person. So I told them that we are sooooo not ever dating!!! I don't want to be a part of a harem. They replied back you're just NOW shutting the door?

This little text conversation and a few emails and discussions really had me thinking last night as I drifted off to sleep about my dating situation and I came to a decision as I woke this morning.

I'M TAKING A BREAK!!!

Yep! I'm taking a break from dating. I have turned off my profiles on all the dating sites, won't respond to any emails from them and won't be looking or placing ads on any other sites. I've realized that the past 6 months I have been focusing a bit to much on dating. That doesn't meant that I am not going to still learn about myself and about men, it just means that I'm not going to actively search or chase a man during my break. If a man asks me out in a proper way or attempts to court me then I may say yes, but I am not going to waste my time or energy chasing men anymore. Its not worth it.

So this morning I woke up and deleted everyman from my phone that I have been sexual with in the past and there are hopes of for the future and or a dating situation. I realized during my decision making last night that I tend to text the men in my life first and then it feels as though I am chasing them. So I deleted them all. I did keep a few that had at one time been lovers years ago but now we are strictly friends. Its funny two of the deleted already text ed me today...so now I have to decide do I re-add them or just leave it as is.

If you're asking yourself how long is this break? Well at first I thought I'm not going to put a time period on it...but then I realized NO I have to set a goal for myself to accomplish so that I don't fail tomorrow. So I decided 3 months. If I stumble well so be it, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

But I realized that in order for me to truly concentrate on myself and my continued recovery I really need to be confident in myself and my life. So for the next 3 months I am going to concentrate on getting healthy outside, inside, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Focus on my passions and my goals. Complete myself without thinking about dating. Who knows that King might actually find me when I'm not looking.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Not the type of rockn in rollin I like!

Earthquakes!!! We've had 2 earthquakes in the past 3 days, that have shook the carpers out of my apartment. Earthquakes really were nothing that scared me, I grew up on the rose fault in the Clairemont area so earthquakes haven't ever really scared me. But the two in the past few days have concerned me to the fact that the big one is coming. So tonight I decided to think seriously about getting a earthquake kit together.

HOLY COW BALLS!!! Have you ever looked at all that you are suppose to put in a kit? I mean seriously you have to have a whole other room to store everything.

I totally understand the batteries, water, flashlight, canned food, etc. I even understand the light sticks, change of clothing and tent. But a a communication kit of pens, paper and stamps? Really is the post office going to be delivering mail? Are we going to be sitting ideally bye waiting to get a hand written communication? It better have some nice smelling perfume sprayed on it, that's all I have to say!

So checklist in hand, I start to think about what I need to get still. Extra batteries, a girl can never have to many of those....*smirks* A case of water, well shoot I drink water like crazy so I'll have to get a new case every week!!! I wonder if they are counting the need for chocolate in the list I mean they did list feminine sanitary products....that better include some sugar or the earthquake isn't the only thing you should be worrying about.

So I'm gonna have to move my bed out and put my earthquake kit in my bedroom, after all you can't be to prepared! Next time my bed rocks n rolls I hope its me with a hottie in there staying safe in other ways. * giggles*

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Busy Busy Busy Weekend

WOW!!! What a weekend!

Started out with my best girlie M graduating from college!! I am so proud of her and glad she is done! It's been a long few years and lots of nights of babysitting the little sunshine, my goddaughter. I've enjoyed it tremendously and will miss the alone time with the sunshine.

Then two days of booth time @ the fair. With this afternoon spent with my good friend T at the fair. We saw the hypnotist show and laughed our butts off. A friend of mine was actually in the show and it was so funny! *Who's your daddy!* It was a wonderful day at the fair, food, friends, fun and SUN!!! It was overcast and I really didn't think I was getting sun burnt, but that is when you really are likely to get burnt.

I'll be there again next Sunday for a few hours, then my booth time and obligation is UP, for this year!! YEAH!!! I'm exhausted and need a time out for S, some pampering time would be nice. *sighs* I enjoyed the morning alone walking around the garden area, took some photos always my favorite part of the fair but a part I have to enjoy alone. Well besides the greasy yummy food! I've seriously thought about the fried butter....do I dare try it next weekend?



Today was a wonderful day of fun! I needed that!


On other news front, I found out today that my parents home in Ramona fell out of escrow on Friday, well actually the buyers pulled out for some reason. So we could focus on the negative that the house is back on the market and we could of had more time to sell everything. Or we could look at the positive and see that everything is done at the house and its now ready to be sold and the new owners (whoever that maybe) to move in. So it was a busy weekend...and lots of news.

So heart attack cafe you're going to have to wait until next week...I might actually visit you! *smiles*

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Stop talking to them as though they are Hairy Women!

As I mentioned the other day I went to a workshop called understanding men. I was a bit apprehensive about going thinking it might be some men haters/bashing seminar, which would result in me walking out. I can't stand negativity in my life. To my surprise though it was very positive and I learned a lot in just the 3 hours of the seminar. Of course the free seminar was just a teaser to get you to take the weekend seminar. (It's a chuck of money but I hope to be able to take it one day)

So the seminar talked about how men and women communicate, as we all know men and women are very very different. There are tons of books out that explain this. The seminar put it in the simplest terms ever, as women we talk to men as though they are HAIRY women. We expect men to understand and communicate as we do just they are hairier. It was a revelation to me and I have since been able to adjust myself when talking to a man.

As women when we talk to me, especially those that we are romantic with we tend to thing that everything they are saying has to do with us. For example a man and a woman can be talking and the man says I think it might be a good summer to do some camping. A woman interrupts it as Oh he wants to take me camping this summer. Or a man may say Rascal Flatts is coming to town this fall. A woman thinks oh he wants to keep dating me till the fall and go see Rascal Flatts. Then the summer comes and goes the fall comes and goes and no camping no Rascal Flatts, the woman is disappointed and it starts a fight and possibly a breakup. What a woman has to understand is that is men talking, just them talking, as a woman we have to understand this and allow men to talk with out it being plans set in stone. When a man is wanting to do something he will extend an invitation. An extended invitation has a time, event and place. That is when you know that there is an invitation.

Stop talking to them like hairy women then you might actually be able to hear what the man is saying.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Who say's she's not doing some guy back there?

That's the conversation I had with a male friend of mine who is in the military and going through some marital issues. I made a slip with him in the past and slept with him when there was total miscommunication on his marital status, ever since then he's been trying to get me to do it again. But I am sticking to my guns and not even attempting to put my foot in that pool again.

So is this really a man's perspective? That she MIGHT be doing some guy back home, so on the off chance that she is, he has every right to mess around? Have you not heard of MARRIAGE vows? If you don't want to be married anymore then get a divorce and or make an agreement that you're going to have an open relationship. END OF STORY!

As much as I like this guy as a friend and could see myself possibly dating him, I don't see a long term relationship with him so why would I waste my time in the pool? For fun you say? How is getting attached to someone that you know from the beginning is NOT looking for the same things as yourself and is only out for one thing...the NOOKIE!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I asked my male friends.....

What is the first thing that you notice about a woman that attracts you to them? I asked this of my male friends via text this evening after leaving a workshop that teaches women how to understand men.

In the workshop they said that Shiny Hair, Shapely body, Sensuality and Sexual energy will attract a man to a woman and the response from the man will be they want to have sex with the woman. (PERIOD!) but if a woman is self confident, authentic, passionate, and receptive, to a man he will be Charmed & Enchanted by the woman which will result in the man falling in love with her.

So leaving the workshop, I was thinking and wanted to test the theory. I wanted to know what the ONE thing was that attracted a man to a woman on first glance. My first text went out asking what attracts you to a woman. After getting a few responses I realized I needed to re-phrase so I did to what is the first thing you notice about a woman that attracts you to them?

Here is what they had to say:
Tits, ass & pussy
nice ass
beautiful eyes and long neck
Face
Butt
Looks! Good Figure. Pretty face.
Pretty face
teeth
confidence
nice smile & approachable body language
Hair-because if she don't have any. I'm not interested
Her eyes
nice tit

So if I take all of that which was given by my guy friends, I'm in a pretty good place right now. So now I just need to work on the confidence part of it all the time and stop with the Favorite question of a woman...WHY?

I'll blog more about this workshop over the next few days, I learned a lot!!! Good thing I have AWESOME TITS and a SMILE that breaks hearts!!!

This is why I don't like casual sex!

Casual sex...it's every where these days. Everyone is doing it! As I typed that I heard my mom's voice saying and if everyone jumped out of a plane would you?....umm YES!!!

Casual sex is what has made society what it is in terms of relationships with others. You can easily jump on Craig's list, AFF or any other online dating site and find someone to have a night of casual sex with. So what's wrong with that you're asking? Especially coming from you Ms. Voices who is very open minded preaching at times that sex is really just an exercise for the body, something we all need and have to have to survive. It's not what defines a relationship, enmeshment , joining that is what defines relationships.

Yes I've had casual sex, done the FWB's thing, even gosh behold the FBuddy thing, but the following is why I don't like it. Because SOMEONE always gets attached!, and its usually the woman which equates to ME!!! As we all know men and women have very different views on Sex and handle it very differently.

There have been times in my life I will admit that I was pretty promiscious, I could handle the sex with men as being just a release of the body. These days those I know what I desire and the casual sex part as much as I try to keep it just that CASUAL, I tend to get attached. So that is what happened recently.

I was in a pretty casual relationship with a man. When we started out I was pretty clear that I was looking for a relationship, he seemed inclined to wanting the same thing till we had sex, at which point he said that we wasn't looking for a relationship. Well in all my wisdom I should of just been done with him at that point and walked away...but DAMN my sexual bodiness...if it didn't pick up that phone a time or two late at night for a bootie call. *YES* Even I am guilty of this!!!

So this casual sex partner informs me a while back that he's decided to get back with an ex gf and see if things will work out this time. We actually were out on a casual date when he informed me of this...to be honest we were about to have sex. He then proceeds to tell me that he wanted to tell me face to face so I didn't have any hurt feelings and he wanted to wrap things up. Yeah he wanted one last romp in the hay...or as he referred it as the beast with two backs. *rolling eyes* You're probably saying but Ms. Voices it was just casual, yeah I know and he was polite about the entire thing, but regardless it still hurts when you're rejected. Makes a woman's mind say what is so wrong with me that he didn't want to try with me?

*sighs*

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Funny how your body will convience you that your instincts are wrong!

We've all heard the the saying follow your instincts, gut feeling, sixth sense, whatever you want to refer to it as. But what happens when your body reacts differently then those instincts? That's what happened to me yesterday. The kiss that my friend landed on me for a little bit had my mind thinking about the possibility of something more with this man. Unfortunately for him my instincts won out in the morning light and trusting in those instincts proved me right this afternoon when he angrily accused me of somethings and I called our friendship off.

Its funny how we can easily point fingers at people and not see our own actions. I apologized for anything I might have done to effect the situation and owned up to my actions. But as is his normal MO he blamed everyone else around for his part of it. *sighs* As my friend J says, you bite the bullet on that one girl.

In other news....I stood up a possibly really nice guy tonight without even realizing I was doing it. I have never in my life done that. I was at work till 7 tonight working on a HUGE BID for tomorrow, which would mean I would be back at work full time. Which is my goal. This wonderful man and I set up the date last week and then I got cold feet after reading his profile. Then I contacted him and apologized, what I didn't realize was that we were suppose to be keeping the original date. He IM'd me about 7 pm saying well I waited 45 mins. it was nice meeting you. I FELT TERRIBLE!! I still do! Anyone that knows me that is so not my MO!!! So how do I rectify this? I apologized and explained that I was at work still. *sighs* all I can do is apologize and hope that one day he will forgive me. I'm powerless over others and their reactions.

Oh how the body can over ride the mind....be remember in our mind is where we have to finally live with everything we do.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Just a kiss....

One kiss...how can one kiss make me totally change my view on someone? One little kiss today from someone and my mind is swirling around what it all means. I want a man who will court me, who is smitten with me, who does the simple things for a woman.

Sighs just a kiss!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Trespassers will be prosecuted to the highest degree of my heart


I saw following sign the other day and thought to myself why can't we have a sign like that on our hearts?

I mean seriously if you had a sign on your heart that others could see maybe they wouldn't be so nonchalant about how they treated you. Maybe just maybe if they knew that if they trespassed on your heart they would be prosecuted to the highest degree of the law....maybe SHOT!!!

Heartache hurts. Its one reason why I have this love/dislike with internet dating. It's wonderful to be able to chat with someone on line and learn things about them before going on. Its nice to eliminate that sorta first date nerves, because you've already chatted and hopefully are on the same page.

The thing is that first date has to happen...and hopefully you were smart enough to not meet someone that is past a 30 mile radius of you, Especially if you are looking for a LTR. More than 30 miles from you and really you're just asking for disaster. So you're on the first date (okay let's back up here. HE HAS TO ASK YOU OUT ON A FIRST DATE WITHIN THE FIRST 2 WEEKS! and it has to be at least 5 days out. If it's not well read what could happen in my other posts...married/cheating/not really interested) Okay so you're on your first date, and there is chemistry, just not enough!!! That is why I say meet someone quickly so that you aren't wasting your time...and remember 5 dates!!!

So what happens if you do meet someone that is out of the 30 mile radius? Well here is what happens, you're going to have a long distance/text/IM relationship. What happens if you seriously fall for the person? For me a relationship is someone that you spend time with off line...you create memories with. Sure you can share your day and all that online, but at the end of the day your computer is not going to bring much comfort or snuggling when you lay down to bed.

The dislike part of online dating is the fact that you can easily fall for someone. That fairytale love because to be honest you have to take what the person is telling you as the truth. Online you can be anyone you want to be, and there are a lot of people who make things up out there. It's funny I never really thought that I was the type to fall for someone online, but I'm scared that might be happening and to be honest it's not a fun feeling. Knowing that you've meet someone that is 3 hours away whom you want to tell everything about you to, but you hold back because you realize once again that you might be walking into that Trespassing section of your heart. Strange, I really thought that my heart was protected in this bank vault that could NEVER been entered again by anyone, the key was thrown away and only one was made.

My fear is that we will really never meet (2012, is the end of the world after all *giggles*). Or that my feelings are unfounded, or that really he doesn't feel the same as me, or well there are lots of the What if's again!

My heart, mind and soul all private property, trespassers will be prosecuted!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Body aches, tired, not even in the mood!!!

For the past few weeks I have been helping my parents out with the move to the new house. Last weekend I spent packing the old house up for the big move. The past few days I have spent setting up and holding a garage sale. Tomorrow is the LARGE Sale and I pray that stuff sells.

My body hurts. Every little nook and cranny, my back, neck, even my toe nails! Between moving things at their house, moving things to my place and going through everything, I feel dirty, cracky, tired and OLD!!!

So my parents are buying all new things for the new house, so my brother and I had first dibs on anything we wanted in the house. I took the small couch, the queen bed, bookcase, night stand and stand. Nothing really much. Well yesterday there is a conversation about the stereo equipment, and how my brother didn't want to take it (IT'S A NICE STEREO) anyhow I didn't even know that they were going to give the stereo to him. I sorta got upset and was like WHAT!!! I'll take it. My mom was like well I'm not paying you to help me then. I was like whatever. I'll take the stereo. But as I was thinking later, I thought What the heck!! My brother hasn't helped with the move or sale @ all!!! And he got all this shit free. The truck, boat, exercise equipment and a bit more stuff, you're going to also give him the stereo? For not doing anything?

Sometimes I really don't think my mom thinks. It's one reason why I set boundaries for us...and am respecting them. I really can't wait this weekend is over and their move is done.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Do we need to throw it a funeral?

Has courting a woman died in society? Do we need to arrange a funeral for it and stand by its graveside and say what will miss about it? Seriously with today's technology of life it seems that the old fashioned way of courting a woman is Dead! Hand out the hankies there is going to be a lot of crying going on.

When did it become standard for a man to IM or text a woman and say would you like to go out to dinner and then not make the arrangements? When did meeting for coffee or drinks become a standard 1st date? When did a woman's apprehension towards a man because of fear of pain, mean a woman wants a man to beg her? When did being smitten with a woman become something of my grandmother's time?

Who's playing the taps? Put the flags at half mast, pull out the black dresses, and drop the casket 6 feet down. For courting has died and today is the funeral!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sometimes communicating your concerns....isn't easy!

I've learned over the past year through my program to express my wants, needs, views, concerns and set boundaries. So why is it that trying to have and live healthy relationships with people on all levels of your life, seems harder to communicate than to just not say anything at all

Is it so uncommon for people to express their wants and needs in a non-judgemental/negative way that others automatically become defensive? I don't know but I am truly trying to live and treat others in my life the way I want to be treated.

So I was communicating with a guy who I mentioned yesterday to you my dear blog, who purchased a vehicle for a good friend of his today. This friend is a female, she's a single mom of a 16 year old and according to him things are tight and her current vehicle was falling a part. So he decided to spend the money he had set aside to purchase himself another fun vehicle and purchase his friend a reliable car. I admire him for doing it and think it was an amazing thing to do (hey any of you out there want to pay for me to go to New York City, I wouldn't turn it down. *giggles* just saying!)

So to continue on. Anyhow during this communication I expressed my concerns behind why he had done this for this woman. I was trying to be honest that I was concerned about getting involved with someone whom might have strong feelings for another woman and have just bought her a car. I realized through the conversation that he was feeling a bit attacked and I felt terrible, because this was not my intention at all. My intention was to only express my concerns in a healthy, loving, honest way. *sighs*

When did that become such absurdity? Why is it that we jump to the conclusion that someone is attacking us when they are trying to express their hopes, needs, wants, concerns? Has society become such a out for themselves, defend it for all it's worth system? Where are the peace loving days of the 60's? *giggles* probably washed away with the idea of loving thy neighbor.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Sorta like laying there naked in all your flaws!

So I am on A LOT of dating sites (really who isn't these days!) anywho. I've been on this one site for gosh I think almost 8 years. I chat in its chatroom and really just enjoy the banter of the room sometimes. I don't take anything from the site seriously as well to be honest I don't think I will find what I am looking for. I actually had my profile off for a long time as I was so tired of the nonsense associated with the emails from men, and women!. I mean seriously why is it just because I have a profile on an adult dating site does it have to ONLY constitute a quick hook up? or that, that is what I am looking for.

I enjoy sex as much, if not more than the next woman (sometimes more so then men) and yes my mind can go STRAIGHT to the gutter if I allow it! But yeesh, there is so much more to me than my beewbies!

Anyhow so I turned my profile back on about 3 days ago and made an update on it. Stating something like ask me about my Blog. I'm not sure what made me do it. I suppose because I'm pretty honest and open my dear blog when talking to you and I figured if someone really wants to get to know me they can get a glimpse of me through you my dear blog. What I didn't expect is to feel naked showing all my bodies imperfections, and trust me it's not always a pretty sight!

So here I am now in a state of total dis-belief that someone actually read my blog and wants to ask me out. I feel like a silly school girl blushing and not knowing how to address the situation! Can you believe that? ME A BLUSHING SCHOOL GIRL! *giggles*

So here is the other delimina; although I am honest with you my dear blog I don'ttell you every little aspect of my life. *smiles* I mean I haven't told you recently about what's going on at work, or that mom & dad sold the house and how that is effecting me. Or that The Past is flying the new GF over to the middle east for a vacation. Or that I miss my dog a lot lately. I tell you about the exciting funny dating stories. But there is so much more about me!....like I started my own MEETUP Group....GIRL POWER! and totally excited that we are up to 25 girlies! So yeah you don't know all about me my dear blog. I guess I'm not totally naked I do have some coconuts covering parts of me. *smiles*

*sighs* so now what? Well it seems my Higher Power is watching out for me making me have some patience, as being a standard member on that site I can't return his email till I guess late tonight, patience! We all know I don't have that!

Do I accept a dinner date with this man whom from all aspects of his emails seems respectful, I have been fooled before. Do I stay patience and see how interested he really is and see what he does to convience me he's really the man he wants to be and find a way to make me say yes? Do I make the present pay for former experiences? or isntead allow the present to be exactly that a PRESENT a gift that might actually be pretty amazing!