Sometimes Feeling like an impostor is just that...a Feeling.

I took my 9 month token in my program tonight, but I wasn't excited or relieved or even happy. No actually I felt this overwhelming feeling of being an impostor, as though I really hadn't made any progress in my program over the past 9 months. Sometimes I feel as though I am still the same person I was when The Past and I ended it 9 months ago.

So I have been having this really bad poor me, why me, jealousy feeling the past few days. Re-realizing that The Past never really loved me. I don't know how many times I have to come to this realization before I'm not surprised. Because each time I re-realize it, it's like the first time I realized it, as if it was the first time I finally sat and said okay its truly over.

I think it's more of this feeling the past few days of what was wrong with me that he couldn't love me the way he loves the new GF in his life? Feeling that feeling of not being good enough, then listening tonight in the meeting the shares and realizing that there really isn't anything wrong with me, that's his hang up not mine.

I am ever so grateful for my program family. If it wasn't for them I really don't know where I would be today. NP gave me my token tonight and she said some of the sweetest things that really hit me hard and made me realize through everything that I was changing and making a difference in others lives. Its a good feeling.

So although sometimes I feel like and impostor working my program and the steps, in reality the only impostor that is here is the unhealthy, negative self thoughts, that are slowly but surely turning in to self love and light.

Feeling off....just a little.

Ever have that off feeling? You just can't put your finger on it like something is going on and you just don't know what, but you feel it in your gut? That's how I am feeling this afternoon.

I think there is just so much going through my head. Will I get more hours at work? Is my relationship with my sponsor getting to friendshipy? Is my ATM card ever going to get here? Is Yumminess going to bail on me for the theater Sat? All things I can't control and really need to just release over to my Higher Power.

I'm feeling a bit disconnected from my parents right now. I know it's my own doing by putting up boundaries but sometimes I just miss my mom. Called her today and she's sick, I get concerned when my parents are sick these days. They're not old old but they aren't as young as they use to be. I'll be happy when the house sells and they are moved and settled into the new place.

I realize that the fear of rejection and not wanting to hurt those around you, can really disable you when it comes to communicating healthily and honestly. Sometimes I want to tell a friend, date, family member how I am feeling yet don't want to cause tension or confrontation. Give it over to my Higher Power and in his time he will show me the way to deal with taking care of myself first.

I finished the book "My love was killed in Baghdad" it was a sad ending I knew what was going to happen but still it made me cry at the same time made me say to myself will I ever find a love like that? One day.....I have faith and in time it will happen. *smiles*

So I know what is bugging me and I didn't want to blog about it because of fear of feeling like I'm still dreading up these thoughts but I need to get it out. So The Past's new GF is celebrating her 30th b-day next month. She has an event invitation sent out on Facebook, and we have some mutual friends.

Anyhow I was looking at her page (okay yes I stalked it) and noticed on her friends page that The Past's good friend in AZ RM is a friend of the new GF. It really bugged because when The Past and I were together I was very friendly and kind to RM but she always seemed to have some alter motives. One time I asked her for her mailing address as The Past wanted to send her a birthday card, she gave me the wrong address on purpose. The card was returned to us, it really hurt my feelings when The Past asked her about it and she admitted she gave the wrong address. He didn't even ask her why or defend me. So now here RM is a friend of the new GF, and it fricken HURTS!!! It really hurts and I suppose I am jealous that this new GF is getting everything that I wanted when in our relationship.

Oh the wants of the heart will the head ever teach the heart to let it go and heal. Feeling a little off....and realizing The Past is still very present in my healing process.

Interesting what happens when you stick to your boundaries.

Funny thing when I stand by my boundaries those around me don't know what to do with it.

I went to my first SLAA meeting last night. It was interesting and I seriously am starting to wonder about my addiction with this and how it is effecting my soul and getting healthy. I will say that the tools I have learned through my other program and the paths I have already taken helped me stick to my boundary with my FB, we'll call him Washington.

Washington and I have been seeing off and on since Sept. We started out with dating but we have definitely become just FB's. I use to stay the night but the past few months it has become me going over there pretty late at night doing the deed and leaving. I always feel so used after wards, used might not be the right word, guilty, dirty might be better.

After our last get together about a month ago I swore to myself that 1 of 2 things was going to happen next time we got together either he was coming to my place or I was staying over if I went over there. So he is leaving on Monday for a month, some training for work. Today we text all day talking about having tonight free, that he's off work @ 6. So We agree that I'm going to come over. He's so worked up etc. I don't hear from him @ 7, then 8 he texts saying he just got home. Around 10 he texts saying come over, I say if I'm coming over I'm staying. To which he didn't like. He kept texting and iming to which I stood my ground saying if I come over I'm staying. He finally @ 11:30 said come over and stay. I decided by that time that I was ready for bed and not going. He didn't like that and said well I'm not begging you. I then said well if you would have had me over at a reasonable time we would of been okay. Even though Washington and I are only FB's there has to be some respect and he doesn't get that.

So although the sex part would have been nice(incredible, it always is with him) I stood by my boundaries and morals and didn't go.

Amazing when you set your boundaries and stand by them how rewarding it feels.

What stations are saved on your car radio?

I wonder sometimes if we should look at a persons saved radio stations before going out with them. Could pre-set radio stations tell us if we are compatible or not?

I've gone on two dates with Mr. Smooth since Sunday and I can now see why 5 dates would totally tell me if the person is someone I want to spend time with or not. But radio stations are were it can start. Wouldn't you want the person in the car with you to feel comfortable or wouldn't you ask what type of music they listen to and possibly find something compatible to that? Or maybe that goes back to manners and wanting to make the other person feel comfortable.

I think the thing that is bothering me about Mr. Smooth is a few things and its making me realize that I am so grateful for my 5 dates rules. Its reminding me that what bugs a person at the beginning of a relationship is USUALLY the reason why you are breaking up.

So tonight this is what happened. He invited me to his place for dinner, Although one of my rules is to not do that for 5 dates I couldn't help but feel special that he wanted to make me dinner. So I agreed. Since he lives on base we had to leave my car at the trolley parking and go to his place. First we had to go pick up a pitcher to make Sweet Tea with (I thought this was really sweet that he was making sweet tea, considering he remembered that I don't drink soda and wanted to make me feel comfortable). Well after we went to the store we got back into his truck and his seat belt is very difficult on the passenger side to buckle. I was having a difficult time and he got frustrated helping me, cursing and throwing things. After he got the belt buckled I just sorta looked at him with this smile confused look of thinking to myself WHAT? I'm not use to someone getting so upset and impatient over little things in life. I actually thought he was upset at me and this didn't make me feel very good. But I said something to him and he said no no please know it wasn't about you.

So at his place. He proceeds to make the Sweet tea with the new ice tea maker, but put to much water in the thing and it poured out the back. He got very upset about this cursing and throwing things around again. I just looked at him smiling and again shocked inside. I said on the bar stool watching him clean up and when he was done I just said to him. I'm just not use to someone so vocal and upset over little things. He replied well that's me. I just docked it in the back of my head.

But what really got me this evening was when he dropped me off at my car. He didn't get out of his truck and walk me to my car or even WAIT till I was in my car and safe. That blew me away. He was driving away before I even got to my car. I understand he was tired and all but come on make sure the woman is safely in her car.

So the things that are bugging me now going to be the reason why Mr. Smooth doesn't make it to 5 dates? Or is it that his pre-sets are not even close to mine? HMMM maybe I should start asking about radio stations instead of are you single?

Making demands before ya meet is fruitless

That's what she gets....that's what she gets for loving me. That song just totally hits me over and over when I think about the type of relationship that I would like. A man who is smitten with me, someone I can count on, someone to chase the nightmares away.

So I have a date tonight. I'm struggling with this a bit, because I have a meeting tonight and although I haven't gone to it the past 2 weeks I was planning on going this evening. But now I am changing plans to go on this date with this guy? Why S? A part of me feels really guilty for doing it, the other part is like just enjoy it.

Let's call him Mr. Smooth. He emailed me the other day from a site that I chat on, was asking me about the Meet & Greet that I hosted on Sat. I wasn't able to email hm back because of meeting my email quota for that day so I contacted a female whom I knew, knew him. She gave me his IM I sent an IM to him. We kept missing each other that day. But we were able to chat a bit today and then talked on the phone. I do have concerns about the fact that he was/is a playmate of this females. But as I expressed that to him he was willing to give her up for the time being if it meant I'd go on a date with him. I realized "S you're making demands on someone you don't even know if you'll click with" Although his voice is a sweet country twang that makes me melt. I told him No you don't have to do that I'll go out with you. So alas we have a date this evening.

It taught me to not put to many expectations and demands on someone before you even meet them. Get off the WHAT IF merry go round! Enjoy someone without expectations...because making demands before ya even meet is fruitless.

If feels good to be open and honest about what I am looking for, wanting in a relationship, sticking by my integrity.

This will probbably make no sense.

Just a warning this rant will probably make no sense at all. So be forewarned!

So last night was my first organized Meet & Greet for a chatroom that I have chatted in for 6 years. I was so excited and thought there would be tons of single men, woman and couples. San Diego isn't representative enough in M&G's and thought it would be a HUGE success. But nope a handful of people showed up. The positive is that its a good start for future M&G's. So we will do another one in a few weeks and hope things get better.

I'm down on myself tonight not sure why. I've decided to go to SLAA I'm hoping between that and my other program that I'll be able to truly heal and pick better options in a relationship in the future. Its like I am reaching out to men in my past that aren't good for me and aren't SMITTEN with me. Why?

I've been thinking about Trojan man a lot, not sure why. It's not like he wants an type of relationship with me. Not even a friendship. *sighs* Pathetic in a way. Then there's Mike from way way back, from last year after The Past. we've talked a lot the past few months even to the point of last week he was telling me he wanted to get together for dinner. Today I text him and find out he's taking a job back in MI this summer and has a GF now. *sighs*

What is wrong with me that I'm not in a relationship with someone of quality. Yes I know I know integrity from within but *kicking rocks* trust me sometimes it really bites the big one being alone. Just one one good man to come along and be smitten with me, entice me mentally sexually physically. *impossible*

Been thinking about my parents a lot today...I should really go up there and see mom. Just seems to much work to do that. Maybe this week.

I need to focus on working out more...went to the gym three times this past week...so proud of myself for that. Need to just stay focused as I was last year...take the weight off again and keep it off. I felt so amazing before.

*sighs* Thoughts rambling in the head and so not making sense...then again in S's world things don't have to.

Men are Lazy Daters

When did dating become endless emails and texts? when did old fashioned standards of asking a girl out become something of a passing phase? When did hanging out and hooking up become the norm to a healthy and loving relationship?

Maybe I was born in the wrong era. I still have that fairy tale thought process of a man holding my door open, bringing flowers, ordering for me, holding hands, picking up the tab. I'm not expecting a prince on a white horse, to be honest even as a country girl horses freak me out. But I am looking for a smitten suitor.

So today during a fellowship lunch, my fellow program members and I got into the discussion of dating. Different dating strategies and how men and women view things and how really it should all come from a place of integrity. Not just on the part of the person you're dating but within yourself.

Is the person your dating on a level of integrity that you're not lowering yourself to their level? Are you staying to true to your own morals, beliefs, wants and desires?

It was pointed out that when we have integrity within ourselves and live our lives that way, that we attract a higher level of people to us. We also will continue to attract people of a lower level of integrity that will manipulate and attempt to control us to lower ourselves. This reminded me of a sermon I heard at church years ago. The Pastor was talking about being filled with faith empty, half full and full. He explained how those that get into partnerships with people who are faith empty or half full and they are themselves full the empty partner thinks that the full can just share some of their fullness. It doesn't work that way. You have to fill yourself up. The glass can't be half empty unless you allow it and it can't fill up to the rim with out you working from the inside out.

Its funny because whenever I am discouraged or feel like I can't do something I am reminded from my higher power that I have him to give it all to. That he wants us to be a the best we can be....and that might not be your neighbors best....but it's YOUR best!!

A favorite song of mine Dream Big, by Ryan Shupe, has always placed that belief in my heart. Because when you Dream, Dream Big! And walk with pride, integrity and love for yourself!

That's what she gets....a sad moment.

That's what she gets for loving me. The song from Brooks & Dunn says it so sweetly, She said what she wants is a man to be faithful, A true heart somebody willin' and able, To stay by her side through thick and thin, A tender touch every now and then. That would be so nice but seems such a far off dream. Its that country love song again. Its that unattainable love. That fairytale that we hear from child hood and never obtain.

Its funny I thought The Past was that fairytale love that ending of all things. My best friend, lover, the and then some. He didn't complete me he added to me. So I thought The Past dedicated a song to me actually two when the break up was going down. Chris Cagle's Look @ what I've done and Darius Rucker's "Don't think I don't think about it .

Chris Cagle's song still to this day tears at my heart. As though it was yesterday. The song ends with the girl being the stronger one, having taken the time to heal, finding something stronger. *sighs* Will I ever feel that strength? I have the strength in me to go on I know this and I am actually really fine for the most part. Its when I think a split second on the past and am reminded of what I thought I had that I allow my heart to feel with sadness.

So don't think about that split second S. I've been working out again water aerobics that's been nice. I enjoy the stress reliever. I took a walk on the beach Sunday, watched the waves, let the worries wash away. Wouldn't it be nice if heart break could be that easy? Just take a dive in the ocean and the waves repair your heart you come out and no more pain. I suppose that is what my program is suppose to be teaching me. Teaching me to take the time to heal and learn.

I've taken a lot of time thinking about Trojan Man. He's made it very clear that we are NOT in a relationship. That we have NO connection to each other and that we owe each other NOTHING! Yeah I like him a lot, well I did, I've found my desperation and loneliness coming out again. That obsessive feeling I had when with The Past. I don't like that feeling, and he's not into me, so why am I wasting time, energy and sorrow on this guy who really is nothing?

That's what she gets....or is it?

I CHOOSE A$$HOLES!!!

So I have been thinking a lot about the rules that I have set up for myself and I'm feeling really confident about them. So why is that I am bending them already?

I have a date tonight. We'll call him Chilly. Well Chilly has been texting me for weeks and finally asks me to dinner tonight. He offers Souplantation and I said NO actually not. Well he's trying to eat healthily. But come on, are you trying to make a bad first impression? I already have a gut feeling about tonight, but well its a free meal so I'm going.

Trojan man is playing games I'm not really sure what his goal of things is. He got all offended last night when I jokingly called his soon to be ex wife coocoo. He still have strong feelings for her obviously so do I even want to go any further with him? He doesn't text on his own, he only texts about sex. So I don't know

Then there is that tattoo boy from LA. He's coming down tomorrow and wants to meet, the thing is that he wants to have sex. He is very open about wanting to be with me but wants to make sure the sex is good. *sighs* so how do I meet him and stay within reason of my rules?

My yumminess came over yesterday. Yes my Yumminess is pretty much everything I am looking for in a man, and we have known each other for 5 years. I swear every time I see him I am reminded how much I fall for him. He gave me a nice massage, massaged my butt and I fell asleep. It was so nice. Now if only he would allow his walls down and allow his heart to melt and let me in we'd be on our way to bliss.

So I choose A$$holes, working towards changing that and finding something lasting.

Rules of Dating! Okay more like guidelines for S's world to follow.

So much has happened since my last entry. Well I have sorta come to the conclusion that Trojan Man is really only looking for sex. We had it as I blogged last week, then had it again the next day. Then it gets strange. I guess he was feeling a bit rushed by me to a relationship, he's not ready for that he says and he's not emotionally available. Well that Sunday I flipped out on text msg. on him when he hadn't replied back after like 7 hours. He said that he didn't want to deal with that sorta of stuff.

Well after a few days and my drunk GF's texting him he decided to give me a second chance I suppose. We ended up hooking up again and the sex was AMAZING, but now a few days after it I am seriously sensing that its not what I am looking for. I like him a lot don't get me wrong but there is just things missing. Respect, wanting to treating me right etc. So the entire situation had me in a 3 hour conversation with Lex were I came up with some dating rules for myself. I thought I would share them with ya here.

• 5 dates before having sex.

After 5 dates I should know if he has the 5 essentials I am looking for in a man. Which
are: Communication, Honesty, Respect, Integrity & Romance.

• Single

Single. That means Divorced-Not Separated. Not Divorced and still living with ex. Or just
broke up with GF the night before.

• Emotionally Available

Has to be open to starting a relationship full heartily. Had ample time from a divorce or
break up.

• Has a job

I'm not a gold digger, BUT, I do want a man that has a good job. That pays his bills, has
money to take me out to dinner, the theater, movies, buy me things. That's important.

• Communicative

Someone that is going to talk with me. Not over me or going to force me to pull things out.
Someone that doesn't talk to try to impress me or tell me what I want to hear.

• Do not go over to their place or invite in to mine

This is just asking to have sex!

• NO drugs or smoking

I've never done drugs don't desire a man that has. Smoking just makes you smell and dies
earlier.

• Clingy but not

He has to be interested in my life, knowing what I am doing without being over bearing,
controlling or stalkerish

• Similar Interests

Have things in common. Live theater, movies, country music, reading, game boards,
camping, hiking, cooking, good wine, not closed to trying new things.

• Has to be SMITTEN with me

He has to be totally into me!!!

So those are the rules. The things I am going to try my hardest to live by while looking for that not PERFECT man. Because really who IS perfect in this world? Not I said the the cat in the hat. Not I!

Mixed signals or reading to much into it?

So I slept with Trojan man the other night, the same night I was priding myself in setting boundaries. *ugh* Now it is 3 days since and I am really reeling in everything. Processing my thoughts isn't even the right word to explain it.

I realize I did sleep with him way to soon. I don't know if it was that I wanted to feel close to someone again, really wanted to spend more time with him, or as Miller said wanted a bootie call. I don't think it was the last at all, because I really really do like Trojan Man, He makes me smile, laugh, talks to me, and the way his hand makes me feel when he grabs it. I melt, haven't felt that in a long time.

I was even honest with him on text asking him to let a girl know when/if she's getting to clingy, etc. I even asked him to compliment a girl. But its now 5:30pm on Saturday night and he hasn't contacted me at all. *sighs* G says that if he doesn't contact me by Monday to move on. It would really be nice of Trojan man initiated contact, but we will see. Something definitely was off on Thursday.

At the woman's fair today, NM told me to date multiple men that way I won't get too hung up on one or Codey till the right one wants a relationship. I think that's a good idea so, I'm going out with subnacho tonight, dinner @ Luiciano's. Maybe it will keep my mind off Trojan Man. *sighs* I hope so.

In this moment I am protecting my options.

Establishing Boundaries When Dating.

So I went out on the first date with Trojan man last night, had a wonderful time and of course we talked about sex. Now today it seems like all he is interested in is talking about sex and getting me into bed with him. *sighs* Leads a girl to think that all he is interested in is that SEX.

So this evening right before my meeting I sent him a text asking if I could be completely honest about something? To which he of course replied yes. I told him that as much as I wanted to sleep with him, I have put up some boundaries while dating and I am working very strongly at abiding to them. That I am looking for someone to date, to trust to explore sexually and none sexually with. That I want someone to be able to talk to date, and establish a healthy loving relationship with. His reply back was we can do both. *sighs* now it leads a girl to hope that he's right but he still hasn't asked me on a second date, only wanting me to come over after my meeting to get sweaty.

I struggled through my meeting tonight how what to say to him about going over there. Talked to a gf @ the meeting who said she did the same thing with her now BF and just told him that she just wasn't comfortable having sex yet and only being used for sex, that She just wanted to wait till they were committed and trusted each other. She that he was frustrated many many times, but he did respect her boundaries. The thing is that he is in a program also so understands that she is working the program and respects that. Trojan man doesn't know about the program and telling him at the moment might scare him way off. *sighs*

This establishing boundaries when dating in order to have a healthy loving relationship isn't as easy as reading it. *sighs*

A refreshing date!

I went on a date tonight, we'll call him Trojan man. At first I was a bit apprehensive because of his divorce status. Not yet filed the papers but living apart. I thought to myself S what are you doing? He's not in a position to want to be in a relationship, but I pushed the little voice away and went. I'm glad I did

We met for drinks @ a local Mexican restaurant having a great time talking and flirting we missed the planned movie time and ended up going to the same movie a few hours later. Sitting in the theater being a little nervous but excited to be seeing Shutter Island, I mean come on 2 hours in the dark? :) What ever could happen. Well hand holding happened almost immediately, then some leg rubbing and well let's just say that he wasn't protesting. *smiles* After the movie we walked back to our cars hand n hand. Ended up talking for another 2 hours. Ended with a kiss, saying good night we both went our separate was for the evening. Did I want to go home with him? YES but I am really working on this old fashioned dating, courting thing about it not being all about sex. And this guy I really like and clicked with. So we will see.

Its refreshing to go on a date with a real gentleman. Doors held open, treated, hand held and he really listened. It was nice. I can't wait to see him again, is this how dating is suppose to be?

Randomness thoughts on dating

Dating dating dating...what a strange world this is. Whatever happened to the days when men actually asked a woman out, they went out for some drinks, dinner, a movie? When they would get to know each other on an actual date? OHHH I know when the invention of the internet took over the actual process of people meeting, feeling a vibe, talking and getting to know each other, before they base it on a photo. Some people don't photograph well!!!

Recently I have been trying to figure out the difference between Dating, Friends with Benefits and Fuck Buddies (or Bootie Calls). And I have figure it out that men and women ave very different definitions of these. Now does this REALLY surprise anyone? Doesn't really surprise me...but what I find humours about it all is how men think I am strange when I describe my view of FWB's.

Dating
From a woman's view is when a man an woman goes out and dates, the old fashioned thing, the man pays, the goal is to ultimately figure out if they are a couple or not. Of course there is sex. There is a commitment and you may actually agree to not date others while dating.

From a man's view....this is a COMMITMENT!!! Stay away...one step closer to that big M word!!! Death to a man's genitals!

Friends with Benefits
From the woman's view the man and woman go out hang out do normal things, vent to each other, are friends first. They pay for themselves, no lovey dovey stuff, but they do have sex but its not required every time they hang out and its more of helping to release a need, you may snuggle, end up spending the night with each other but you both understand its not a couple thing. The goal isn't to become a couple.

From a man's view...This is dating!!!

Fuck Buddies (or bootie calls)
From a woman's view now do I really have to explain this? It's only about sex...one goes to the other get it on and get out of there.

From a man's view
The woman they call up if they strike out at the bar and come home drunk and horny.

So you can see a woman's delmina while trying to figure things in this world of dating!!! Gosh finding a man that understands I'd like a FWB...or dating is like winning the lottery....except with winning the lottery it might actually happen!!!