I miss myself.

While talking to a friend this evening he said that he missed me, as I typed back what do you miss about me I realized that I missed myself also. I missed the woman who was focused, happy, positive, had life by the balls and was focused on the future. I miss the outgoing, friendly, caring woman who thought life was wonderful. 

Today I seem to be at a new low. Rent is due again, no job seems to be in the future, I'm not happy with the new person in my life, my roommate and best friend my other half is moving back to Texas in a month and I feel like the darkness is closing in with no light. 

What am I doing?

I finally landed a job last week. Best parts are the pay (amazing!) and that I work from home, but what the hell am I suppose to be doing? I seriously don't understand, this company has hired me thanks to my awesome resume with no real experience as to what they are wanting me to do. *sighs* 

So here it is Wednesday of my first week and I haven't got anything to show for the hours I'll be billing on Friday. Worse of all is I'm suppose to be meeting with my boss Friday afternoon and show him what I've been doing. *shivers* I have NO IDEA what that is. UGH!!! I want to work for them but seriously wondering if I would work better in an office instead of at home. I mean don't get me wrong its nice to work from home, no driving, no worrying about being late, traffic, can be with the pups, cook dinner, etc. But how to stay focused is a challenge all on its own. 

I just keep asking myself what the hell am I suppose to be doing? I just keep thinking about that first billing/paycheck on Friday and how it will help pay bills. Beyond that I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. UGH!!! What am I doing? 

Letting the despair go.

What do you do when you are so deep in despair that you can't see any healthy way out? Today I found out about my unemployment and with it came such a despair that I thought about taking my life for the first time in many many many years. 

My unemployment was approved, but with it came a surprise of being fined 15 weeks of pay due to the over payments made to me in 2011. So I am stuck with no income coming in for unemployment for 4 months. WHAT THE HELL am I suppose to do? I officially cried it all out. Then tried to think about what to do. 

I'm literally lost as I seriously don't know where to turn and at the moment can't really think to well as to what to do. I sucked up my ego and asked a friend for a loan to pay this months rent and past due bills, but he had a point what am I going to do next month when the bills are due? To be honest I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow or the day after I just know that I have this despair deep in my chest that I can't lift off and its financial. 

Its so frightening to me that I can't seem to think straight all I want to do is sleep and well all know that's not helpful at all. I feel like I am constantly struggling in my life that nothing good financially ever happens for me. My credit is shot, my loan options are awful and I owe everyone around me money. How can I live my life trying to be positive, good, etc when financially I am a MESS! How can I enter into a relationship with anyone when I am such a FINANCIAL MESS? Is this my higher power once again trying to shake me up and have me fix things? But how? I have always believed that God would take care of me but at the same time shouldn't I be taking care of the things he is giving me? I have probably missed or taken for granted plenty of things that have been given to me in my life to change my path so why is that I am where I am now? And how do I change this pattern? 

How do I change my life right now? How do I pull myself up from the despair, tie a knot in the rope and swing for all my might? How do I let the ego go, chase the fear away and remind myself that this is just a step on my path? How do I pay my rent this month? 

The universe is fickle sometimes

I've always believed that the universe puts things in our path exactly when we need it. So this weekend I met a great guy who attended my Rocky Horror Picture Night event. He's HANDSOME, funny, intelligent and the energy with him is amazing. He then showed up at my discussion brunch on Sunday. What a surprise and wonderful to get to know him better. 

That night we went to dinner and a local park that use to be a cemetery. It was a great first date and I can't stop thinking about him. This time around I'm trying to not be to overly clingy, needy or well the norm S pattern of things. 

The universe I believe puts things into our path for the right reasons and I truly believe that this new man was put in my path to show me the way to enlightenment and guidance. 

Now if they can just put a new job in my path I'd be happy. :) 

And it starts

Despite my new goal/habit of positive self talk this morning depression is taking over. Not being able to sleep last night didn't help. So this morning the debilitating depression kicked in, regardless of the list the positive talk all I want to do is sleep, watch TV and cuddle. Alas I have no one to cuddle with. 

I keep telling myself that if I don't get up and do at least 3 of the things on my list for today I'm going to feel worse. But sometimes Depression is so powerful that no matter what you tell yourself you can't force yourself to do it. 

So it begins. 

Self Talk and Confidence starts with You!

You know that something is trying to tell you something when not only does the CD in your car start talking about Self talk, but also the workshop presenter that evening also talks about self talk. So I got the message LOUD and CLEAR this evening Universe! I understand I need to readjust my self talk, I need to remind myself of how AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL and INTELLIGENT I am. I need to wake up with a smile, peace and positiveness each morning. So yes universe I get it. 

You're probably scratching your head going what is she talking about? Well let me tell you. We all have those voices in our heads that tell use we're too old, too fat, can't do something and a lot of times, (NO, most of the time) we listen to it. Well let me tell you this CONFIDENCE comes with HABIT!! 

Years ago after my divorce I remember my mum telling me "S you choose how your days goes by how you wake up. When your feet hit the ground you can choose to make the day AWESOME or you can choose to let it be crappy. The choice is yours" I sorta laughed her off at the time, but I've thought about it many times over the years and remind myself in the morning that its my choice how the day will go. 

Positive Self Talk doesn't come easy, I know it doesn't. It takes time, it takes dedication and it takes the desire to make it a habit. After all whatever you're currently an expert at you were once a beginner at. To change your self talk has to start somewhere! 

Are you going to be single the rest of your life? At a job you hate? Constantly wanting to lose weight? Those are all negative thoughts. Think positive. You're life is beautiful and preparing itself for your partner. Your job is not your life, smile and find the things you like about it and concentrate on that. Love your curves! 

Start RIGHT NOW!!! What are two things that you are constantly thinking negative about yourself and find a mantra that you will start to say to yourself each day through out the day. Add another one in a week, and so on. You'll start to see the changes in your relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and best of all YOURSELF!! 

For in order to display CONFIDENCE you have to start with yourself!!! In order to be open for love, you have to first love yourself. In order to believe and accomplish your dreams you have to build the dynasty and to do that you need action. Action build Confidence, which builds YOU!!! 

Start today! For tomorrow will be the one step closer to your new habit. Thank you Universe for the forehead slap of a reminder. 

Life after a job

Monday I was let go from my job and H after 2 years of stress, emotional abuse, and just an unhealthy place to work I'm finally FREE of that place! 

I'm about to start a legal battle and have filed unemployment and sitting patiently waiting to see the out come of that. So why is it that there is a bit of anxiety with peacefulness over me? Peaceful in that I am away from there and know that I am doing the right thing legally. But anxiety over where is rent going to come in a few days?  

I know that my Higher Power has ALWAYS taken care of me and that I have always been okay and I know I will be this time also...its just crazy that I'm unemployed at 41! 

So my life after H right now is trying to stay motivated, cleaning, cooking, looking for a job and just focusing on staying positive. What does life after a job look like? 

Googling...and Dating

In today’s day and age it seems almost automatic to google someone you’re dating at least to me it is. But a recent situation now has me re-thinking my actions.

I meet BP through my recent CL ad, he was charming, intelligent and asked me out. We met initially for drinks had a great time and he asked me out of an “official” date for the next Friday (today) as he was going out of town for a business trip. We texted and talked a few times during his trip, till two days before he got back when he texts me saying that he thought he had a stalker. I was a little confused by his statement. Well it turns out that on Linkden it tells you who viewed you and he saw that I viewed him. He flipped out on me stating that I had violated his privacy, and stalking him.

Don’t get me wrong I understand his feelings and they are justified but I’m not sorry for checking him out which is a very normal thing for me and a lot of people that date online.

So we talk on the phone and I apologize that he’s upset about what occurred. He said that it violated a value of mine and even though he knew that I didn’t know about that line, it still bothers him. UMMM okay well it bothers me that you accusing me of lying about how I found your last name.

Your sent me an email, and in that email it said your name not sure how I went searching for that. *smacks forehead* In this day and age I don’t understand not checking someone out. Alas in our last phone call on Weds he told me he was going to think on things and we’d talk the next day.

Nothing! No text, email, or call. *shrugs* very childish in my opinion but it is what it is I suppose and now it looks like my Friday night is open again. Good think Mr. M & N are having their story time!

One of lives great mysteries!

Why do people stand other people up? I mean really is it as buttercup says that peoples fear consume them to a point that they just can’t imagine going on the date? Or is it that people are just rude, flakes and disrespectful? I mean if you are so fearful why date at all or here’s a concept why not cancel the date? I just don’t understand.

So I was supposed to have a date last night with Matt. Matt’s the Italian from New York, motorcycle rider, operation manager, the one that pretty much asked me out right after replying to my ad. Anyhow we were supposed to go out last Saturday and it didn’t happen for work reasons on his part. I understood and said we could reschedule. He asked me out for Tuesday and then I don’t hear from him again until Tuesday morning despite the step up, I need more attention text on Monday.

I had pretty much written him off on Monday as I hadn’t heard from him, till Tuesday morning he texts me pretty much apologizing and begging me to go out with him. I relented (hey I was intrigued) so we were to meet at 6:30 for sushi in MM. Despite having a pounding headache that has since turned into a migraine I showed up. 10 minutes before our date I get a text from him stating he got a flat and was running late. I said okay I’d get us a table.

So at this point I’m thinking how long do you wait? 10 minutes pass, 15 20, I text him asking how long he will be. I text buttercup who says wait 30 minutes. So I wait, I order an appetizer and ice tea. 40 minutes past I text stating that it appears he is standing me up I’m going to order. I order have AN AWESOME sushi dinner ALONE L and leave.

The old me would have called him up leaving a nasty angry phone call, text and blew up his phone. The new approach was to just delete him from the phone and move on.  I mean really what is the point in getting upset over his actions? I had a great dinner, caught up on some texts and emails and was home before 830.

So ultimately he weeded himself out of the garden, because my awesomeness is just too great for some to handle. And he obviously couldn’t handle it!

I’ll admit though there is still a lingering question in the back of my head of what happened. Why would he do that? Alas there are plenty of mysteries of the world that I’ll never have answers to and this is obviously one of them; well not a big mystery, but one nether less a head scratcher.

372 and counting

So feeling very very very down on myself last week, my friend T decided he was going to write and ad for me on CL. One to prove a point to take a different approach on dating and the type of ad I place. Two to show that I am still awesome and three well three had to do with the wording of the ad and why he wrote it the way he did.

This is what he wrote:

They said honesty was the best policy so here goes. I'm looking to find a life partner, but I am doing it here on Craigslist, so you gotta be a little different right? Obviously we will start with some dates, and if things go well we will move on to some sex and friendship and marriage and all that good stuff. But first you gotta ask me out. I'm hoping you're between mid-30s and late 40s, and that you're awesome.

The "bad" things about me: I can be clingy at times. I'm liable to replay our dates over and over in my head and may ask you awkward questions about random word choices you made three days ago as though the entire universe depended on that specific choice of words. I expect you to tell me I'm pretty, especially if I am not feeling it myself that day. I'm moody, probably moodier than you're used to. But that means the good moods are stronger too, right? I tend to like everything scheduled. So it can be hard to date me early on. Just because I had Friday open to go on an amazing first date with you doesn't mean you can guaranteed get back on my calendar within two weeks. If things get serious I will damn sure make time for you, but I've got friends and clubs and groups I hang out with and if they're already on the calendar you just have to wait til I'm free. And sometimes my calendar is full because I have TV to watch. Hey, those shows were there for me when you weren't so deal with it. I'm fat. You can call it curvy and BBW and all those things, but some of you would just say fat, and I am. And that isn't changing. So if that counts as "bad" in your eyes, don't bother continuing to the "good" part.

The "good" things about me: I really like sex. A lot. Probably more than you do. In fact this may be a bad thing because it may get annoying how much I want sex. I love giving head and I am really good at it. And I make pretty cool noises when I cum so there's entertainment value there. I'm probably kinkier than you are. But I am happy to teach. I give amazing little presents. I'll randomly bake you cookies for no reason. I'll hand draw little cards with crayons. I'll get out my glue gun and decorate the shit out of household objects and give them to you as gifts. My smile lights up a room. I don't do drugs. I don't have any psycho exes you have to worry about. I'm a really good kisser. I love to cuddle. I have epic tits and I love showing them off. And if you glare at dudes who stare at my chest in the bar I might just blow you in the parking lot as a thank you. I have my own job, my own car. I'm an adult, not some pet you're gonna have to take care of (though I really dig a man who wants to do that). Did I mention I can cum from having my nipples pinched? I didn't? Well you're gonna find out soon enough anyway. I am terribly loyal, and affectionate, and loving, and honest. I will treat you like the king you are. It's the least I can do if you're gonna put up with me. I love to laugh. I love to be happy. I love to show the people I care about how much I love them.

Basically, I'm awesome. You're probably awesome too. If you think your version of awesome and my version of awesome will get along, send me an email with "sunflower" in the subject so I know it isn't spam. Thanks!

 

Now at first I was taken back and went wooooooo nelly hold your horses here. But then he explained his point and 372 emails later I see his side. There have been a handful of men that have been emailing, following up and a few that have asked me out. But here a week later it just seems like they haven’t really shown the effort, that is but one. One that I went out with last week and have a date with Friday. One who calls, who laughs, who texts, who well who shows up.

So let’s see if this approach, this honesty works.

A letter to Her.

It’s been two weeks since I saw your face, touched your hand, kissed your face. It’s been two weeks since I heard your laugh, smelt your skin, watched your breath. It’s been two weeks since you walked away from me saying there was someone else, It’s been two weeks of obsession, crying, hurt, anger, abandonment. It’s been two weeks of knowing I messed up and owning that, it’s been two weeks of apologizing, of growing, changing, working on me. Two weeks of wishing, praying, holding out hope that you’ll call, show up, agree to see me, anything.

 

I know you say you’re not interested, in a relationship, friendship, or communication, and I know that you say that there is no future. But the reminder of your kiss, your touch, your laugh just two weeks ago makes me question that deeply. Your mere presence lightened my world, brining love, light and lots of hugs. You were my second best friend, the person I wanted to tell about my day, laugh away the pain with, cook dinner, serve and love.

 

I’m sorry for the way I have reacted out of anger and disrespect, you deserve better and I know this. All I know is I haven’t felt happiness like I do with you in a long time. All the talks, hopes, dreams, plans for the future, gone in a snap, in a blink, a poof of air and I’m left with this emptiness of trying to understand and cope.

 

I never thought I’d date a woman let alone find a person as caring, loving and giving as you. I never thought I would meet someone who could consume my thoughts, dreams and prayers as I have found in you. I never thought I would not have the chance to share myself, the core of me, the depths, the truth of me with you. I never thought that two weeks ago you would cut me out of your life like a lesion needing repair.

 

I miss the way you love animals, plants, and your family. I miss your loyalty for those around you and respect for those less fortunate. I miss your corny jokes, misguided political rants, the way you’d make sure there was hand sanitizer after we ordered, the way my dog would snuggle with you, the flowers that would light up your smile, the crazy late night talks, but most of all I miss you.

 

I want to be the one that rubs your head when you have a headache, wakes up with my legs and arms wrapped around you, holds your hand tighter during the scary parts of life, smiles and celebrates through the rewards. I want to be the one that travels the world with you, finding all the ghosts of the coast, the history of the world and the beauty within us.

 

I’m not giving up! I’m not settling for the wall up, I’ll wait if its 2 more weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years, I’ll wait. I’ll wait till you let the wall down and realize that caring for me isn’t the end of you, me or the world.

I'm here.

 

 

 

 

 

obsession

I feel obsessed. I can't get Her out of my mind. I can't get the way I felt out of my mind, I can't get the memories to fade, I can't stop myself from emailing her, wanting to hear from her. Craving her voice, her touch, her smile. I am so off kilter its upsetting.

A 3rd time fool I will not be.

You know the saying “Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me” Well there will be no fool me a third time.

So after all that crap with Her right before my birthday weekend, we talked things through and were going to try I thought take it slow get to know each other as friends, and date casually. So I accepted her lunch date for the day after my birthday. She took me to the cheesecake factory for a wonderful lunch, then surprised me with a cheesecake. It was a nice day, took me home and we kissed against the garage it was hot.

Fast forward to end of the week when something wasn’t sitting right with me and I asked her to define us, she said friends who care about each other. *slap head* WOW!!! What a game changer, okay wait no not the game changer yet that’s still coming.

So I am hurt again because she says we are on different chapters and we are friends. I let myself be sad and mourn everything, but the anger is there. So today I told her she was full of BS because of the fact that when we are together things are good, and can she honestly tell me that if she saw me she wouldn’t want to kiss me? That’s when she proceeds to tell me there is someone else. WTH!!! There’s the game changer.

*shaking head* Are you serious? Just two weeks ago you’re telling me that you want to go slow and get to know each other as friends date casually and you’re dating someone else now? WTH!!!

I can’t really wrap my head around anything, I just keep calling her a Liar because it hurts so much. I am so tired of all this. I’m tired of the drama, I’m tired of her being so scared of her feelings, I’m just so darn tired of it all.

So no a 3^rd will NOT occur…no more fools!

the difference of a few days.

I can’t even wrap my head around how different a few days can make.  Friday life was great, Her surprised me at work with medicine and a slurpee. Sunday was amazing to share my birthday brunch with Her and my friends, then bam! Monday I sense the difference, something has changed, and yes I was right.

Her and I are over, she wanted to step back and focus more on the friendship side of things to make sure that we were right for each other. I totally understand that theory and the thought process, but the big thing is as friends you can’t have the expectations that you've put on me. You can’t expect me to say good night or good morning, put lipstick on for you, hold your hand, or even kiss you. I don’t do that with my friends. I don’t’ talk about sex the way we do, I don’t make plans for dates in the future, I don’t serve my friends, I don’t make them dinner, I don’t bring them dinner (okay that’s not true I do, do that). It’s just the implications of everything, the making promises and plans and then breaking them.

Feeling foolish for trusting her so quickly, feeling silly caring for her. So glad I never gave her access to my blog or to read you. To think that is what I was going to give her this weekend. *sighs* and to think how excited I was about going away for my birthday with Her.

I can’t even think straight to write a dang blog about the pain, the disappointment, the process of knowing that I had hope that this was the one. 

back and forth

It’s one of those Monday’s were I just don’t want to do anything. My mind is in a million places and none of them are in the place they should be, work. *sighs*

It was a long weekend of Birthday celebrations, friends in from out of town, club night and drunkenness at brunch Sunday. I loved it!!! Some of my peoples met Her at brunch, everyone seems to really like her and are happy for me. It was so nice to have her there and to just laugh and share it with her. Than today happens. I sensed something was strange on her text and asked her about it, I knew she wasn’t feeling well but honestly didn’t think there was anything wrong with us.

She proceeds to tell me that she wants us to concentrate on the friendship part of our relationship more than anything else. This caught me off guard and totally turned me upside down. I thought we both were in the same place, I thought we were moving towards a committed relationship. She said that she felt it was too soon for some of the emotions I was expressing or voicing. I’m so confused I finally let my wall down, I finally was okay with things accepted my feelings and then BAM it feels like I was pushed into a lake and not even sure how to paddle.

So how do I react to this? My first reaction as always is to push away and lock myself down. But I don’t want to do that, I care too much for her.  So I sit here at work not really able to concentrate on anything as I think about her and how I go on from this.

Is it really too soon? Can’t you know right away if someone is the one?

Her!

I finally meet M and we had our first "official" date last night. Can you say smitten and BIG smiles? Because I am. I'm smitten with her, thinking about her makes me smile, giggle and can't wait till I see her again face again.

She is everything I have ever dreamt of in a partner and I was failing in finding in a male. So it not only surprised me when I finally met someone so amazing, but warms my entire soul when I think about her. 

Her generosity, caring, love and honesty, scares me to my core. What if I can't give enough back? What if I hurt her? What if I disappoint her in sex, love, emotions? Oh how I dislike what ifs! Yet my mind still goes there, still worries about the unknown. 

She is so wonderful, funny, thoughtful & amazing. She cares about her mum, celebrates her friendships, and is defiantly focused on what she wants and needs in life. She remembers things about me, cares more about others than herself, she holds my hand, kisses me deeply and smells amazing.

She's has a rough dating history, which I can relate to with my own wonderful dating history. But she's open to seeing where this may lead with a "bi" woman and my heart is full of expectations, warmth and gratitude for her and the adventure we've just started. 

For she is just HER and that's all I need!!! 

ANXIETY!!!

So I’ve been flirting with the idea of getting a new car for a while now. Last night when out with Jake we got to talking about cars and for some reason I got on the idea of getting a mustang. *swoon* A Mustang has been one of my dream cars forever, but the more I started looking online the more I’m sort of swaying towards a Masada 3 s sedan.

The anxiety part of it is that I have NEVER bought a car before. I mean I’ve gone with people as they bought cars but I’ve never bought a car on my own. My Rav was a gift from my parents and before that my ex-husband bought our cars.  

So I’ve never had to purchase a car before. It’s leaving me with all this anxiety of just looking to see what I want, the cost, can I afford it, trade in, etc. UGH!!! I seriously feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.

So I know the cost range, I know what I want my monthly payments to be, and I know how much I would like for my trade in. But what if I get there and I do an oooooo pretty car I want, I want!!!  and end up paying too much? I can’t haggle!!! 

Drama Drama Drama everywhere!

What a strange weekend. Eyes have been opened to people and the drama in communities, in lives and sheesh it’s a bit draining on one’s core. People who I once looked at as being “friends” I now have my eyes open to the truth. It’s amazing how caught up in the “ME” of life people get. Life isn’t all about you, it’s about the people you choose to surround yourself with and the gifts they bring to your life. So with that said I’ve decided to change my surroundings.

It’s hard in the kink community especially with so many of the events I enjoy going to these same energy suckers are at. But I have decided to just live my life and surround myself with those whose words are backed by their actions. Simple isn’t it? One would hope.

It’s funny to me those that seem to publicly dismiss drama are usually the ones that are attracting and causing the most. My mentor calls them Attention Whores, I’m seeing as my eyes open to people the truth of the matter. EVERYONE has DRAMA in their life. I still stand by the saying that in life as humans we are either going through drama, just got out of drama, or about to enter into some sort of drama (replace drama with situation, issues, etc.) So trying to say that you’re DRAMA free is quite humorous to me, BUT to me here is the difference when you are constantly in the DRAMA there is an issue. 

Separate yourself, find your middle, locate your peace, your safe place within yourself.  You can only control yourself and how your react, live, treat others. You are your controller, regardless of your ties to others or what titles others give you.

*deep breathe* So a change is about, Its time. Time to work on myself, time to get happy again.

 I’ve been talking to a wonderful woman the past few days. I’m excited to see where this might go. She’s beautiful, sweet, funny, caring, and we have a lot in common. 

Change is about, just like wonderful blooming flowers, leave the negative, the drama behind like the melted winter snow. 

Same time every year

Its almost that day again. 
It comes every year like the fog rolling on a dark night. 
Sometimes I push it away till the very end,
but it always comes every year, the same time, same day, same pain. 

18 years this time.
One would think it would get easier, as each one passes by.
Your mark on the world such a short moment, 
a blimp in the universe 
a hold on my heart forever, 
18 years ago. 

Its almost that day again, 
it comes around each year the same time, same day, same pain. 

And life goes on.

So much has happened in life as it marches on from my last post. 

I’m still learning my kinks in the community, and it’s actually helping me to grow emotionally, mentally and soon physically. I’ve been working on handling conflicts and dealing with people who seem like friends who really aren’t. Sometimes it’s painful to the heart but growing within one’s own path. I’ve also been realizing and seeing true friendships and what I value. S said to me the other day surround yourself with people who lift you up not tear you down, this I am holding dear to my heart.

So what else is new? OHHH  I was really sick, like really sick, PNEUMONIA. I was out of work for a week and then here 2 weeks later still a cough and trying to completely heal. It was the worse feeling ever, and the first time I’ve ever been really sick like that. It made me think of my grandma Ruth and how she had pneumonia and was sick for 2 weeks before anyone in the family knew. I don’t know how she dealt with it and no medicine for so long. I feel terrible when I think about it.

And life will march on and on and on as each day passes. I’m consciously trying to write in you more, I have a ton of half written blogs that I never posted.  *sad face* that I am realizing I need to write more and get things out of my mind and soul.

I’ve been letting my little side out a lot more and am so excited for Weds. I’m having a few little friends over for little’s pride day. We’re going to let our little’s out make a fort, eat with our fingers, watch cartoons and play with Barbie’s. I am so excited about it!!! Learning to make my own circle and self-care for myself is one of the hardest things and even harder when trying to figure out my little’s wants and needs.  

Alas life goes on and so does the path of growth. 

Respect and Expectations

I was always raised to treat others the way you would like to be treated. So I have always treated those that I like, love and care about the same way I want to be treated. I don’t throw rocks while living in a glass house. *smiles* so why is it now that I am questioning my thoughts and new friends in my life?

I recently joined a local kink community, I've attended a few workshops, socials and play party, and everyone seems nice, welcoming and willing to teach. So I have started to become friends with a few people, as friendship comes with trust and time spent together in my world. Recently there have been a few situations where I have invited a new so called friend to dinner, or hang out and they've given me an answer sort of to the point of maybe. No worries, that’s fine, but my thought process is when you’re invited to dinner and the reason you’re giving a maybe is because you need to check on availability and then the night of the dinner, you decide to do out with others, it just gives me the taste in my mouth that I am a second option.  I don’t like that feeling, and I wouldn't treat anyone that way. If I give inkling to someone that I might attend then I attend, even if someone else invites me to something bigger, sparklier, better, I don’t want anyone to question my values, ethics or our friendship. Because when I extend a friendship to my inner circle, It’s precious to me, its valuable.

So now I am questioning if my expectations and upbringing is totally off, or if what I view as respect of friendship is too high.  How do you keep yourself in tact while trying to extend yourself to learn, love, and trust others?