Ride or Die.

You always said that we were Ride or Die’s you called me chosen family, sisters in leather.  Yet the minute I choose a decision that I feel is best for me you walk away. You not only walk away, you walk away from your commitments. You end our friendship. You abandon me. Why? Because I’m not doing what you want me to do? Because I made a decision for myself right now that is best for me? I never asked you to support him, I never even asked you to talk to him again. I asked for space to process and figure things out for myself. I asked you to love me and support me.

Who knows MAYBE it is the wrong decision. But no one knows! No one knows what the future is going to hold. I may get crushed, my heart might break into a trillion pieces, and he may end up to be a waste of my time and energy, but we don’t know this right now. It may also be the best decision I ever make in my life, I may have found a love that I didn’t know existed, I may have found a missing part, we don’t know but as my sister I would have expected you to stand by me.

Never again, will I be dragged into or convinced that someone has my back, like you. I thought you did. I really did, I thought that after all these years and after being here for all these things that I showed my love and commitment, what I didn’t know was all it would take is one decision.  I really can’t wrap my head around any of it, I still can’t.

Ride or Die- isn’t that no matter what you stand by the person that it’s not conditional?

Step up

We met at a time I think when you were doing well. I still think about our first date, how you looked at every part of my body, touching, taking it in like it was a temple you wanted to worship. You couldn’t get enough, every touch, every kiss, every look was like fire. Today Its like I’m a bag of potatoes; nothing I say or do is good enough. Its not healthy, the way I’m not wanted by either of you. I’m broken, I’m lost, and I’m empty. Two men I love and neither one find me sexually tempting, or desirable. 

So what to do? Walk away? How do I do that? How do I walk away from something that I can’t even seem to understand why I am allowing.

Sitting down I realize I’m angry. I’m angry with myself for settling. I have settled for so long in my marriage, by allowing K to not work and stress myself out with paying bills and feeling like a terrible wife. I am angry with myself for falling for A and allowing the past month to effect friendships and my job. I’m angry with A for not seeing and respecting me. I’m angry at K for not helping more, for not stepping up, for never doing what he says he’s going to do. It’s always on their terms, well I believe I am getting to the point that its going to be on my terms.

I can’t continue to be in relationships or live my life by settling anymore. Either step up and be men, men that show you want a better life for yourselves and me. OR STEP THE FUCK OUT!

Well I thought I was ...

Anxiety flares in the weirdest times and places. A is not feeling well so no dinner tonight. Its fine and I know logically its fine but why am I stressing over it? Why am I worrying about stupid shit? He needs space give him space, let him come to you; let him ask you for help.

Its time for me to seriously take my own advice and take care of myself, I’ll be no good to anyone if I get sick mentally or physically. So I have decided to go back to CODA tonight. It’ll be good for me to reground myself and look at my unhealthy patterns again. ….I thought I was doing a lot better.

Can't control that.

I’m having a lot of anxiety and worries today. I can’t shake that something else is going to happen. No matter how much you tell me that you’re fine and nothing thinking those thoughts, I still can’t shake it. I feel like an overprotective mother watching to make sure her child doesn’t die of SIDs. The only time I feel sane at the moment is when I am with you and that’s not fair to the others in my life.

So tonight I am forcing myself to have a wonderful evening with K. Going to leave my phone off and spend time with him. Talk, love and laugh with him. I can worry about you later but tonight I am going to reconnect with the hubs.

If you’re going to do it again, there is NOTHING I can do to change that. There is nothing I will ever be able to say, do or wish for that the not happen. All I know is that I can’t continue on as tightly wound up as I am.

So many worries, money, work, you, K, just all of life at the moment. One of my vision board goals for the year was to let go of worries, so I am going to work on that.  

Breathe and let go, because we know I can't control it. 

 

A good Sage cleanse and grounding does wonders

Your first weekend home and it was rough. We fought Friday night, to the point that we had broken up; Saturday we talked and worked stuff out but something was still off. Something isn’t sitting right with me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it. I want to believe you that you haven’t done anything but something still doesn’t sit right.

So here we are Sunday night, I’m home and for some reason worrying that the other shoe is going to drop and tomorrow you will be missing again. I don’t know how I can handle anything else going on or the fear that something new is going to happen. I called you more drama than a pregnant woman during PMS today out of love, but also that you have been a lot of drama since we have met. I hope that the drama is behind us and that we can move forward with healing, health and positivity.

  We went to brunch today with S, then a walk down to the local beach. It was nice, not to cold, got my feet in the sand and water. A deep wave came up on us and soaked us up to my thighs, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. You just smiled and laughed, as your boots were soaked. I can’t help but smile remembering that. It was nice to get the energy from the beach; waves and sand to help us ground ourselves back to our centers.

I’m hoping that tonight you will sleep better and that sageing of the apt and jeep will help release what ever is attached to you and causing the turmoil. We will get through this, we just have to believe in each other and not try and complicate things.