Random Days...

1.1.5.18

I have all these thoughts and things going through my head right now and I can’t seem to figure out how to stop them.

I love A, I really do, so why is it that my anxiety is so high about him getting out. Why is it so high that he is lying to me, why am I questioning everything? All the thoughts going through my mind that I can’t let go of. What if he disappears again? What if I become so over bearing and controlling that I don’t even like myself? Why is it that every breathe of me wants to be with him every second of every moment. I don’t seem complete right now unless I am. It’s not fair to K, its not fair to myself, its not fair to A.

K says let’s get him through this stage, out of the hospital back home, etc. etc. and we’ll go from there. Maybe when he is home and I can actually touch him, hold him kiss him that I’ll feel better. I need to cry I need to get past the insecurities. I need to know life is going to move on and better. That he’s not

I’ve stopped myself a few times lately wondering what life without you would have been like? How much pain you had to have been in to have attempted to take your life. How nothing seemed worth living for and it makes me sigh heavily. It makes me tear up wondering why me alone wasn’t enough for you to not think about it, never less your daughter.

I wonder if I should write down what happened so that there is a record of the past 15 days. A reminder of what life has been? I think about the saying “ If you save a life, you are responsible for that life.’ That scares me. I already feel obligated to him, connected to him. I already feel like I just want him to know how special he is and life is.

I wish he knew how much I loved him, I feel stupid for it all. I feel incredibly dumb for falling in love so fast with him, for being so overbearing. I need him to have emotions to know that life is good and love is worth fighting for.

I feel so conflicted

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 1.16.18

Is it wrong of me to want to feel connected again? To want to feel his body next to mine? It seems like it is. Everything has been about him for the past 16 days, and you’d think he’d want to have sex, it must be me. It must be him really not wanting me right?

I’m so stupid to think that something would change, that he would really want me sexually. I understand that he’s tired, I understand that he wants to relax. Can I ever have something I want without feeling crappy about it? How is wanting to be made love to without having to ask for it or having to feel crappy about it so wrong?

Yes our relationship is not based on sex, yes I know there is more to it than that. But there also has to be sex. I have this crap with K, I have the pecks for kisses, I have the hand holding, the hugs, the what not, what I don’t have is the actually touching of my body, the wanting to connect physically. The desiring me,  the  being turned on my me. I just want that, so we are back to the same place we were before he tried to take his life. The same damn feelings. I can’t I just can’t do this again.

I know that I am amazing, sexy, and desirable, so why doesn’t A feel that way? I am so angry at him right now and I can’t say anything because if I do it will start a fight, and that sigh and look. The look were I know he doesn’t want me.

The look  says nope I don’t want to, and I’m just going to not, because I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. 

So how do I tell him, no sometimes its not all about you? Sometimes its about reconnecting, sometimes its about needing to bend with what you want for the best of both of you. I bend so much that I am just tired of doing it. I’m just tired of being the one that sacrifices and bends. I just want to be wanted, I just want to be told I matter, shown that I matter.