Why do I miss him so terribly much? Its been one day since I
saw him and I feel like its been a life time. Its like a drug, I know he doesn’t feel the
same way…lol but I am feeling like I’m about to burst out of myself if I don’t
see him. Maybe its that I need to touch him to calm the emotions going on
inside me maybe I need to know that my decisions are right I don’t know.
I feel closer to K than I ever have in my life. He has
really stepped up and made me feel safe and loved. He’s taken on a lot of the
stress of making the decisions and not making me feel bad for taking care of A.
I thought at first it was just that he agreed with me that as making me feel
safe with him, but the more he explains why he does agree and why he feels so
adamant about standing by A. I am so
impressed by both my men and how truly amazing they really are. They really are
despite the flaws they are handsome, smart, sexy and love me. That last one alone is huge!
Why is it that I feel like I am being punished and being
made to choose between A and BF2? I understand her anger and I understand her
hurt. What I don’t understand is why its okay for her to be so angry at me for
standing by what I feel is important and moral to me. He hurt me, not her, he
lied to me, not her, he did all these things to ME. NOT her! I just can’t wrap
my brain around it being my fault and that I am a terrible person for making
what might be a huge mistake. Who knows, it might also be an amazing
transformation.
So many thoughts, feelings, decisions, not sure where to
start to get them out. I’m hoping the journaling
will help. Today I am reminding myself
of this quote on co-dependency, to remind myself that controlling their lives
is not love.
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