How do I stand by my ethics and morals when I feel like
walking away from A is also having me compromise those? I don’t know what to do
with my life or myself anymore. I love A I know he isn’t the best for me I know
this; I also know that well he’s hurt and in pain right now. How can I just
leave someone that is broken? I’ve been there and people have just left me
before.
BF2 feels I need to that I am compromising my path and
myself. That if I choose to stay connected with him that it would affect our
friendship. That I can’t keep him in a nice lil box and away from everything
else in my life. Right now I don’t know what I can do, I don’t know why I am
having to make this decision right now. I need space to figure my head out.
I realized driving to work today that he had been thinking
about it for a while. It’s why he made sure that I took everything with me
every time I stayed over. So many signs that I wish I had seen and had stopped
and asked him are you thinking of hurting yourself? But how could I have known?
I didn’t know, he just seemed tired and depressed about school.
I’ve never been this side of someone actually hurting
themselves of actually succeeding in getting this far in suicide. Its hard to
understand someone when they are sick and I praying that he will get the help
he needs. I just wish it was much easier than this for me to make a decision
about my future and life.
Maybe it is time to just walk away from everything in the
community. Maybe its time to just cancel the conference and refund money. I don’t
know. I just don’t have it in me right now and my lil she’s just hidden. I don't have the energy to pull this off. I can't do it alone.
Too many big things to figure out in life. Too many
decisions to make and all I want is to be held and told it will be all okay.
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