Overwhelmed

Your mom is upset and it seems like she is upset at me but I know its not. She wants you to talk to her and let her know what happened is going on. What am I suppose to do? How do I explain to her that until Monday you weren’t of the right mind to know anything let alone tell anyone and that it is still all coming back in pieces. I agree you need to tell her I just feel like I am in such an awkward spot.

I don’t know what to truly know or feel right now. I want to believe all the things you have said and told us that your plans are when you get out but how am I to truly know that what you are saying is true?  You have lied so much to me that I don’t know what to believe and I don’t know if I am being used by you or what not. I don’t know I can’t get selfish right now but at the same time I do need reassurance.

Your mom is writing about N and how she is your wife and how people think they should have come to CA to be with you during all this. I don’t know how I feel about that all, what would that have looked like for me? These are all questions I have in my head and don’t have answers for.

I love you more than I should and I am trying to figure out how much of this is co-dependency and how much is true love. I can’t control your life you have to start doing things for yourself all I can do is offer suggestions. You’re going to have to be an adult and own up to what you did, do and think.  Its going to be hard and I get it and you’re going to be fragile but you’re going to have to rough the fuck up and do it a lot of people love and care about you.

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So how do I stop the thoughts going through my head right now? How do I stop the beating of my heart out of my chest? How do I stop myself from counting down the hours until I can leave work and visit you? It feels so overwhelming to me at the moment