It took 11 mins!

So this morning while getting ready to go to work I hear a lady screaming bloody murder outside. At first I didn’t register what was going on, then she was still screaming “Oh my God, Help me, they’re killing him” “Oh my god, oh my god” It was freaky and scary, I proceeded to call 911 and told them a neighbor lady was outside screaming bloody murder, gave my address, and that they were 2 houses up. I waited outside to make sure the police got the right location, holy cow it took them 11 mins.

Now 11 mins might not seem like a long time, but let me tell you in those 11 mins., the woman had put the dog in the car, the neighbors had run up the street to help, I had put my sweater on, walked out to the street and was ready to leave for work. 11 MINS!

In those 11 mins. someone could have died! Someone could have gotten away, someone else could have been attacked 11 mins! All of a sudden twelve Sherriff cars pull up, ready to attack the street, but still 11 mins? The station is 2 mins away, maybe 5 on a bad day.

Luckily it was only a poor dog that had been attacked by two other neighbor dogs, but still the way the lady was screaming, I didn’t know what it was, and it took 11 mins! *shaking head*

Remind me if I'm ever attacked or going to be killed to call 11 mins before it happens. 11 mins really?

When you stop looking it will come.

I stopped looking for dates a few months ago, well I should say I stopped looking for my soul mate. I still went on dates here and there not many; I stopped sleeping with men, and stopped looking for the one. I have kept the mind open for my soul mate, knowing he was out there somewhere. I kept my focus on what I am looking for in life and kept in mind and soul when the desire to have sex with someone randomly, I would think to myself would I be sleeping with this man if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be meeting my soul mate in the next 72 hours? I always answered no.

Don’t get me wrong I did have a slip here and there, the needs of the body after all. But for the most part I have worked at staying true to myself. I have been working on understanding men, communication, desire, respect, love for all men, all women. It’s been such an amazing journey and so enlightening really.

With the passing of my Grams I have held in my soul the reminder daily that time is precious and to not waste it on the unnecessaries of life. To stay positive, loving, understanding and open to how not only I’m affecting others around me but how others are affecting me.

So a few weeks ago I was contacted via a dating site belong to from a man that dated a former friend of mine. They dated about 2 years, ago and when they were together the 3 of us hung out a lot. I had always thought he was attractive, *smiles*

Saturday he accompanied me to my wine group’s holiday party. We had a fabulous time; he was a perfect gentleman, very sweet, caring, considerate and made sure we got home safely. He is amazing to talk to, funny, charming, sincere, and a good friend. Sunday evening he came over and watched a movie with J and I. It was the perfect ending to a really busy weekend.

I wake up to sweet texts from him. Nothing to mushy or sappy, just him being him and me being me, when I’m around him it feels easy, sweet and safe. I smile when I think about him, and wonder what it will be like to sleep with him, hold his hand again, talk to him again. I get excited to see him again and wonder what new wonders I’ll learn about him and myself.

They have always said that when you stop looking it will come, I am starting to be a true believer.

Watch out for the rocks when you take that step.

A few weeks ago I put myself out there again for Yumminess I asked him to attend a holiday party with me this weekend. I asked in plenty of time, expressed what he would be providing for me, how it would make me happy and all of that. At first he was positive and stated he was tentatively going, just needed to work out arrangements for his Daughter.

But as the past 2 weeks have passed he’s talked himself out of it once again, he’s allowed his fear, his thoughts that he knows what is best for me to change his mind. To say that he can’t provide this for me. *sighs*

I respect him, and his honesty, I just wonder sometimes how long do you wait? How often do you put yourself out there? WHEN will he realize what I realize? Him of all people why is it that he is so easily able to waste precious precious time being alone and unhappy.

I really have no idea what keeps me thinking something will change with him. What made me think that this new way of understanding men, this new way of communicating with them, this new strength to respect them and to see them in a new light would somehow change things between him and I. Why I would even think that it ever will change.

Make sure you have shoes one when you take that first step, you never know how sharp the rocks of rejection can be.

Rules of dating friends ex's, What are they?

What are the rules of dating a friends ex? Recently a former close friend of mine's Ex BF contacted me on a dating site and said sorta remember me? We emailed back and forth for a few hours and talked about getting together for dinner, but what are the rules about dating a friends ex.

She and I aren't that close anymore in fact I haven't seen her or talked to her in at least a year, but does that still make it okay to go out with him?

He does have a few of my bottom lines so not sure why I am even considering having dinner with him and not sure if I have much in common with him. But then again he and I haven't really talked a lot. When he was dating my GF we'd all hang out, watched the super bowl, new years eve, Olympics together, enjoyed good cheeses and laughter's, but is that enough?

Am I creating my own drama in my life yet again by thinking about having dinner with him? What are the rules on dating a friends ex?

Is negative attention better than no attention at all?

I remember when The Past and I were together that we would fight sometimes and I remember sometimes starting the fights just to get attention from him. I seemed to be okay with getting the negative attention the fighting with him as long as I was getting some attention from him. Silly isn’t it? No it wasn’t to have make up sex, although that was always nice.

I’ve learned recently that it is because as a woman we want, NO, we need to feel connected. That’s why we want to hear from the men/people in our lives, it’s why we seem to always want more from them. Its why well at least for myself I always seem to want to reach out one more time in a text, email, phone call, whatever.

I’m learning a lot about myself and the men in my life but at the same time I’m trying to understand my needs, wants and desires. I working on the understanding of a man’s differences from a woman, and working on being that safe trusting place for them to come to express themselves, to be open and honest, to well just be themselves without fear of ridicule, judgment or anger. Men are men amazing people although they are different from women they are just as deserving to being treated right.

So work on getting that positive attention from someone, that attention that is true, worthy and real, instead of that of which you have to manipulate to get.

Time is Precious…so is life.

Grandma’s passing reminded me yet again how precious life is. Why is it when we lose someone, hear of someone passing, or a terrible accident that we are reminded how little time we really have with our loved ones. We take time for granted and don’t live every moment to the fullest?

Friday I heard about two awful stories that brought once again to my heart, life and soul this reminder. First Yumminess told me about his daughters teacher committing suicide, be still my heart, and my thoughts out to that family and all affected by it. I’ve been there I know how alone life can seem at times. I’ve faced that darkness many a time over my adult life, but something, someone or someway I am reminded of the gift of life and have never gone through with it. I thank my life every day for this strength.

Later Friday evening my Huckleberry told me about our graduating classes President whom we just saw in August at the 20 year reunion was in a terrible car accident in September that has left him a paraplegic. Its strange to think that just the month before we were all laughing, smiling, taking photos and commenting on our lives successes, then a few months later we hear this change in his life.

Until the accident he led such an amazing full life. He was a very successful doctor, with a stunning wife, 4 young children, lived the rock star life. We all called him our Facebook Superstar. Always posting photos with Charger players, musicians, and local celebrities, attending wild parties and big local events. All that changed in an incident with a single car accident, that has changed his life forever. There is no more Facebook for him, he’s taken inside himself and feeling sorry for his new life. Which is I know a process of the healing of this terrible accident. I pray for him and his family, and pray that something positive will come out of this all. That he will be a beacon of strength for his family, his children and all that come into contact with him.

With all these changes all around me I look around and see how much we all waste precious lives time. With anger, fear, resentment, it’s all holding us back from what life has to offer the beauty all around us, the love, friendship, adventures. Each moment, year, month, week, day, hour, minute, second, is all truly a gift to enjoy and be grateful for.

I’m working on reminding myself each second to maintain alertness in my walking, sitting, eating, sleeping and most of all my living. To remain focused that time is precious and to enjoy it, to live it, to love it.

I took the first step.

I took a chance today, I asked Yumminess to accompany me to a Holiday Party in two weeks. It took everything in my power to put myself on that plate again with him but after Grandma passing, and all the other little stresses over the past few months, I just can't see myself walking away from him. Life is really to short.

Tonight I had dinner and a movie with my Huckleberry, she told me about a HS friend of ours who was in a terrible accident in Sept that left him a paraplegic. Hearing that and hearing from Yumminess how his daughters teacher committed suicide a few weeks ago on top of Grandma's passing, it made me realize that YES life is way to short and that tomorrow is not guaranteed. So if that means I need to be the one that takes that step, and shows my cards to Yumminess then I will.

He really is the one in my heart I just need him to see how wonderful our lives can be joined. So I took the first step hopefully its not the last.

Wanna be sneeky? You'll always be caught.

I started to write this blog before leaving town for Grams Funeral and now it just seems so foregin and so long ago, but I will continue with where I left off.

11/10/11
So many thoughts and things have gone in my life the past few days not even sure where to begin.


I've been using the tools I learned in the workshop to communicate with the men in my life and its really amazing the responses back. My dad and I are leaving for Washington for Grandma's funeral. The communication between us on email and my appreciation for him being able to provide for me financially and emotionally to be able to go, has been amazing and strange in a sense. It really is a totally different way of thinking and talking to men. Its amazing and wonderful and uplifting.


I've been trying to use the tools with women also, thanking them for what they provide and give me in my life. Today after finding out something that A,K&K did behind my back, I used it to write very caring and honest emails to them and removing them from the GP group. I feel bad a little bit about my part in it, at the same time my thought is ya wanna be sneeky, manipulative and mean about things, you're going to get caught and you may not like the outcome.

11/15/11
So many things have occured since starting this post 5 days ago and so many things just don't seem important anymore. A emailed me wanting her money back for the theater tickets. While I was out of town I received a long email from C telling me how awful I am and that she has decided to leave GP. All of it hurt a bit but I have realized a few things from this experience I"M NOT FOR EVERYONE!!!, that I can only do what I feel is right from within and that life is to short to hold onto all this negativity around me. Will I miss the friendships of them sure? But to what degree were we really friends? They didn't know me and by judging and leaving without attempting to be honest about thier feelings or talking it out is that a true friend? So I wish them well and take what I will from the situation and move on. Life is to short for this all.

Grandma's gone, and although she's been sick for so long its still STRANGE to know that she's gone. To know that she's not a phone call away to call up and empty my basket asking for advice. To know that she's not going to greet us with a smile, a card game or cookies, just makes me tear up and wish I could turn back time just for one more moment with her.

It was wonderful to be with family and to celebrate her life, but it was bittersweet, knowing this is probbably the last family event that we will all be together for. My family is such an ecentric group of people that make up who I am, and I wouldn't change that for the world. The trials and tribulations that I have gone through in my life have made me who I am today and if those that have choosen to judge me or leave my life because they have failed to understand or know what has occured in my life to mold me to who I am today, then they really aren't people I need in my life.

Sneekiness gets you no where, you'll always get caught. Those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, unless you want your windows broken.

Good bye Grandma Ruth~ Make sure to keep the cookie jar stocked!

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. My Mum got the news Saturday night grandma had taken a turn for the worse, mum caught the first flight out of town the next morning only to arrive to late to say goodbye. Grandma went to her maker at 8am Sunday morning.

I got the news at lunch when I was in a workshop Sunday morning. I called my dad who told me the news. I felt numb, not sure how to feel. Tears didn’t come till a few minutes later when texting with my mum, even then it was only really a welling up of the eyes not a full on cry. I’m sure that will come at the funeral or when I get to Washington State but for now I’m just feeling really numb.

My mind is swirling about wanting to help mum, to hold her whatever she needs. But all I can do for now is support her through text and pray for her strength to get through this. We’ve known for so long that grandma was going to be gone soon, but it’s hard to actually grasp that it has happened. A positive note is that she is no longer in pain and is in a happier place, hopefully dancing a jig with my grandpa.

I’m stumped and really not sure what to do. My dad informed me that it’s not necessary for him or I to go to the funeral my mum said. I really want to go and not sure what to do about it this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do. It would be easier to just stay here and not go up financially, but emotionally I know I need to go. I need that closure. I have no idea what to do.

This feeling of numbness seems to just keep coming and has no fathom of leaving me.

I want to hear the stories about my grandma, share in her life with my cousins, aunties, uncles, mum and brother. I want to experience her life, her spirit one last time. Smile when I hear about her cooking, laughter, competitiveness, her love.

I remember the summers I would go up and stay with Grandma. Picking berries, babysitting the neighbor’s kids, taking the train to my aunties in Oregon, watching the Muppets with grandma Sunday evenings, hearing her tell the stories about her mountain, and the antics my mum, aunties and uncles would get into as children.

I remember the Easters she would come to SD to visit us, the Easter egg hunts. I remember the night that my high school BF came in to ask my dad if I could go up to Camarillo to meet his parents and my grandma was there and just smiled to Peter that it would be okay.

I remember sending her flowers after my first trip alone to her while planning the family reunion, and hearing her smile on the phone. Or sending her Easter baskets of goodies just because I knew she’d appreciate it. Seeing my mum go straight for the cookie jar knowing grams would always have peanut butter cookies ready.

Being taught how to make my first blueberry pie, and staring amazement as grams worn out cookbook that you could feel was full of love. She was a cook beyond any other and she knew how to put on a spread. She was my grandma the one who was always there with a supporting cheer, a smile, just the right word. A hug, a smile a look that always made you feel like life was good.

You will be missed grandma, but this world is defiantly a better place because of you. After all none of us would be here without you! We’ll see you again one day, just keep the cookie jar stocked for us!

Update: I've been putting this update off for about a week now, not really sure why, maybe the emotions still being so raw maybe not being sure what to say. The funeral was sad, heart warming and a bit surreal. It was a short and simple event at the gravesite. All the family was there, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Grandma's friends. We were all there to say goodbye to such an amazing woman. Here is it 10 days later and I miss her terribly. I know she is with me as I feel her presence around me every time I smile.

For me the most amazing part of the weekend was the gift that I brought home with me. My Grandpa Jim was a Sheet Metalist and a carpentar. When he was laid off from his sheet metal job because of computers and stuff coming and doing thigs quicker, Grandpa started a furniture business. He made all sorts of things around Grandma's house. To me precious pieces of furniture. What I didn't know was that he made this little end table, that I knew would fit perfectly next to me bed. When I found out from my Auntie and Uncle that my grandpa had made it, I wanted it that much more. To have a piece of both my parents with me just seemed appropriate. So my dad and I got it packaged up and brought it home on the plane. It fits perfectly next to my bed and feels like two special angels are constantly watching over me while I sleep.

So being home and re-settled, adjusting to life without grandma, without that lifeline to be able to call when you just need an unconditional pat on the back. I miss her so, but hold in my heart all her wisedom, love and acceptance.

Happy Halloween!

Its Halloween. You'd think I'd be excited, and happy trick or treats and fun scary times. But nope it will be just another Monday evening. My mind is drifting again to why allow certain people to do things, I should say certain men. Or should I just say a certain man.

I know he doesn't want me. Even if he had the time or whatever the excuse is today he wouldn't want to be with me. There is always something some reason some excuse. Just seeing that he's on that site viewing all the women, adding them as friends, just reminds me that I'm no one to him. He even viewed her! The one woman in the world whom I seriously can say that I HATE!!! So why can't I just say F a duck and let it go? I so want to. I want to just not care anymore. He doesn't care so why should I? He doesn't even contact me to have sex or talk or whatever. *sighs*

So its a trick not a treat this evening. Maybe some cheesy scary movies, chili and a good glass of wine will change my mood.

Happy Halloweenie! I hope it was a freaky good time for you all!

When you really matter

M and I have been texting again *smacking head against wall* I don't know why I do that. He doesn't want me, he doesn't even want to be friends so why do I allow him to do things that I don't allow any other man in my life to do EVER? *sighs* Maybe its that I have that desire to just be held by him, but even that won't happen so why do I continue to allow it?


I saw the below quote today and it made me think a lot about M. Made me also realize that I deserve someone that feels that I really matter. M's not that one. *frowns* I'm a bit sad about it but I also understand, okay I'm just saying I understand. Work has been crazy lately. So busy and stressful that sometimes I don't know which was is up. I feel like my head is floating half the time. We're bidding like crazy and coming in 2nd or 3rd. We'll get there, and hopefully SOON, because our one sup that doesn't have a job at the moment is starting to get on my nerves being in the office every time I turn around. Ugh

I'm still feeling a little out of sorts with the GP group, but I am getting back to feeling okay and normal with everything that has happened, and happening. I'm letting it go and letting god deal, but its still weighing on my mind at times, and its painful to have to process and work through my actions in the situation. Is this what working the program and healing really means?

When you really matter to someone they will make the time for you, and I am hoping not just walk out of your life without trying to rectify the situation.

Let go and let God.

The past few weeks I’ve been really upset over the friendship end between A and I, to the point that I physically got sick from the stress. I’ve been thinking over and over about how to fix things without sacrificing my own personal boundary and realized that I can’t fix it.

Something was said to me last night by a mutual friend that actually angered me a bit about the entire situation. I’ve not discussed the issues between A & I with any of our mutual friends, they all know something is going on but it hasn’t come from me. I’ve worked really hard at not talking about the situation and expressing that the issue is between A & I. That I’m not going to talk bad about her to anyone, there is no reason to, I care about her too much, we're just having a situation right now. I don't want people to feel like they have to choose sides, there are not sides.

It would be unhealthy and unnecessary and only cause more hurt feelings. I'm having to remind myself that not everyone thinks this way and that is common for women to try and get everyone on their side and talk smack about the other person. Is this really healthy? Is this the mature way to handle things? I don’t know I just know that it’s not how I am going about handling things. I want them all to be friends, I want them to all respect each other, I don’t want to be talked about negatively who does, but I can’t control what others do or say and I have to remind myself of that every time I start to get sad about the situation.

I’ve extended a branch to A a few times via text, saying that I miss her friendship, etc. and nothing back. So I have been struggling lately with the gift I got her for her birthday and the group’s season tickets to the theater. I decided that I’m not going to send the birthday gift that it wouldn’t be appreciated or wanted at this time and may actually look like I am trying to suck up. The fact that I was honest in my email to A and have since tried to talk the situation out to no response back from her has said to me that she really wants nothing to do with me and I’m going to respect that and not contact her.

As far as the theater tickets I don’t know why I am stressing over them, it’s a GP event. A decided to leave the group she’ll have to figure out how she wants to deal. *shrugs* end of story.

I’ve been praying that my Higher Power/God/Angels/Guides would bring a solution to the issue/stress between A & I, what I forgot while doing that was to let go and they will deal with it. So I’m letting go! There is only so much one can do, and the rest you leave in their hands!

Sometimes it just hurts....and sometimes it lasts

Ever hear a song on the radio that you’ve heard a million times, but this time you actually LISTENED to the words?

This morning driving to work Adele’s “Someone like you” came on the radio and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say or sing to The Past was wrapped up in this single song.

Does time really fly in reality but in the heart it’s like it was yesterday? A little over two years have passed and my heart aches at times as though it was a moment ago. Never mind one day I will find someone that will fill my so completely that the pain will be erased with one single kiss, look, touch, word.

I know he’s happy and I know that I am stronger today than I was that terrible August evening so many moons ago.

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

If its that easy to walk away were they ever really a friend?

How does one express how much they miss someone without stepping over the boundaries of the person that they miss?

I feel myself out of sorts, missing friends, and not knowing what to do about it all. Feeling left out is a TERRIBLE feeling, A really TERRIBLE feeling.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being left out since the Vegas trip, the feeling of tension, of missing my friend K, of thinking I was close to A but every time we were around other people being treated coldly. I don’t know why I thought theater season tickets would be a good thing to do, because now I have to sit next to them and feel awkward and unwanted. I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like feeling left out. I don’t like feeling abandoned.

But how do I live with myself and how am I to be the person and friend I see myself as to people if I’m not honest about how I am feeling. I wish those that I care about and was at one time so close to could understand that and instead of just cutting ties. If a person can walk so easily out of your life where they ever really a friend?

Second Chances

I believe that people are put into our lives for a purpose. Like the saying goes a reason, a season or lifetime. I have always believed that people are put into my life like this, to teach, guide and offer support. I believe that when we are in heaven we make pacts with people on how long they will be in our lives, and we look forward to seeing them on earth when the time comes.

I believe all this and it has helped me mourn, celebrate and get past the lost of friends, lovers and family members. So when I end up smack against a wall wondering if second chances with a past lover is possible I try to look inward to look for the answers and unfortunately I can’t come up with an answer and my guides, angles, higher power haven’t reveled the answers to the question so far.

Many moons ago before I met The Past, I met an amazing man KC. KC and I had three very short but memorable months together before the military sent him over seas for what was suppose to be a three month schooling turned into almost five years in the sands of Bahrain. At first we pledged to stay together and things where strong and memorable, till the military turned that three month school tour into the sands of time. We stayed in touch here and there over the years, till we lost touch about three years back. Recently I did a search for him on Facebook and found him. My heart beating quickly and nervously I sent a FB request and an email.

The waiting to hear back from him part is a bit jarring as my impatience is known worldwide, and the fear that he is married, living elsewhere, our time has passed or whatever it maybe fills me with fear beyond belief.

KC was always this unfinished chapter; he was always that man that everyone else had to live up to. Emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually, the connection between us was electric and powerful.

I find myself sometimes floating back to that morning kissing him good bye as I drove off to work. Filled with mixed emotions of sadness but excitement to see him again in just a few months, that was more than five years ago. Could a second chance at an amazing relationship that ended prematurely really happen? Can a second chances at love occur?

out of joints

It feels like everything in my life is out of joint lately. My woman's group isn't as close and as strong as I thought it was. I feel more like an outsider in the group than the organizer. :( My love life is non existent. I've cut men out of it that I realize are just dead weight and only adding negatively to my life instead of enhancing it. My grams is in the hospital, my head can't seem to wrap itself around all the negativity going on and my body feels like its falling apart.

I'm journaling out trying to figure out a game plan for myself and to cut back somethings to come about to find myself again. Back to the program, back to working out, back to staying focused. Maybe I'll be able to find that peace inside again, instead of this feeling of my joints being all out of alignment.

Ever thought of ending it?

Have you ever thought about ending your life? Ever felt so alone, so empty so defeated that you can't see a way out? Your soul ever just crave to bond with someone, to be held to be loved to be comforted? That's where I have been the past month, and especially the past week.

I feel so empty so alone, as if asking myself WHAT MORE can happen? Losing A as a friend has cut me to the core, the abandonment coming out big time inside me. Being kicked off the BBW site and accused of things I didn't do. Having a psycho woman working hard at ruining my life. All of this leads up to the anxiety/panic attacks and the thoughts of never waking up again.

Its difficult to just find someone to hold me, to let me cry to help release the stress. The dark thoughts haunt me daily, hourly, each minute, each second I breathe.

Duck Duck Duck!!!

That’s really how I feel right now. The woman’s group that I run and have run for a little over a year just seems off lately. The core group of women just seems to have broken off into little groups and it feels REALLY crappy to be on the outside of it. It’s like this group of 5 to 6 of the women that have become really good friends and just go off and do their own things together, YES I know that is why I started the group but at the same time they are still a part of the group and they are very cliquish and don’t seem very open to meeting anyone new in the group. It’s depressing and hurtful at times.

A few of the other women in the group have expressed these same feelings like they are really not a part of the group. I can’t explain it and when I ask the women about it why they do this or that, they accuse me of giving them the third degree etc. etc.

All this BS and hurt feelings has been going on for a few months now where I am seriously at the point of stepping out of the group. *sighs* I adore the group and all that we do, but it’s a lot of work to put into the events and have only one or 2 people come, or have these clique of women decide to do something else that same night. Its just disrespectful, or that’s how I feel. *frowns*

So DUCK DUCK DUCK!! It seems like there is changes in the air, this group, the online site I was on and a new me. What does the air have in store for me?

I'm going to AUSTRALIA!!!

I'm going to Australia in March! I am soooooooooo excited. My parents are taking the family for my Grams 80th birthday! Can you believe that? So now comes the work of losing 50lbs before then and getting my passport in order.

The passport is important, I'll need it to go to Cabo in December. I can't believe I am going to be traveling so much! So exciting!!!

Its been a year since I saw Yumminess. During a recent session Sally and I talked about him and I realized it was time to be honest with him about what I want and need. Its been a year. So I went to his office yesterday and we had a nice talk for a little over an hour. He asked me to give him the weekend to think things over. So now comes the waiting period...oh and crossing of fingers!!

Life is good...I'm still tired, work is kicking my ass!! We lost a laborer yesterday on one of the projects, a terrible accident so I am having to deal with all that. I have to deal with the investigation on Monday and my thoughts keep going back to yesterday and the family. *sighs* sometimes the job is difficult.

I'm going to AUSTRALIA!!! maybe I can bring a hippo home in my suitcase. *giggles*

So tireddddddd

I'm so tired of so many things. I'm tired of what seems like everyone moving on with their lives with someone new and I'm still alone, I'm tired of what seems like constant girl drama, I'm tired of M constantly jumping on me about it and I'm tired oh so tired of family stuff.

Chewtoy married his gf in August. I was so shocked, especially after everything that she caused in July...amazing. But it goes to the if a man wants a woman he will do anything to keep her.

The Past is expecting his first child, and his wife and him had their official big wedding in Sept. *sighs* why's that bug me?

I'm living my life, work is amazing! It busy and it is overwhelming at times but its there. GP is going strong. We had a busy weekend and have another busy week coming up.

I finally saw Rascal Flatts in concert on Sunday! OMGOODNESS can you say AMAZING!!! It was so great!

Drama with the BB site that I am on, this woman whom I have crossed paths with a time or two is starting crap. *sighs* really? I'm SINGLE get the hell over it. You have NO right to get upset at me or anyone that I happen to date. It really is annoying and just painful.

M always gets so down my throat about the drama. I seriously feel that I should just walk away from him, I haven't seen him in months. Is this how friends are? *sighs* I miss him but I also know that this is all it ever is going to be. He isn't ever going to be ready.

Today Panda reminded me of that when she told me what had happened with J2. :( Its sad but so try, again if the man wants you he's going to be with you.

Life is good...but I am tired again...so tired of everything...and not only that but I have to go back to the Doctor for a check up, I can sense something isn't right. Just so tired.

BLACKOUT..San Diego 2011

The power is out...the power is out...oh no the power is still out. Whatever did we do before power? It's amazing how much we rely on power, you can't get money to buy food or gas let alone buy the food of gas. Then when you're home you have no TV, no internet and right now with the heat wave NO AC!!! Its terrible.

Thank goodness I have one of the coolest landlords ever, who hooked my neighbor and I up with extension cords to turn a fan and lap top on. AWESOME!!! Hence why I'm able to blog.

They say that the east power grid in Arizona went out earlier today which cause the North bond power grind to shut down...hence NO POWER in all of SD!!! Amazing really. Now if I had gas I would so be going some where...but lol the banks are closed, cause their computers are down and hence no gas stations open!! UGH!!! So I am stuck here at the apartment...but thank you for my lap top!!!

I had the foresight to put the crock pot on last night and make up a mean chili verde, which I shared with my neighbors. Its gonna be a long night...but at least I have a lap top and a fan that's more than some people have right now!!!

Enjoy the blackout SD, take a nice long slow time to enjoy time together, family. friends, read a book. play some games, catch up with each other...slow down from the hustle and bustle of life and ENJOY it!

Freedom of speech and Facebook

Seriously hilarious...Isn't America the land of the free. The Freedom of FREE SPEECH without repurcussions, yet when I express my views about illegal immigration in this country on MY Facebook page friends of mine of Hispanic descent take offense and delete me. I think really? SERIOUSLY?

I was raised and have accepted that not everyone is going to have the same views as me, that's what makes this country so vitally amazing! But I don't agree with someone bashing me or getting offended because my views aren't the same as theirs. If everyone thought the same we would be living in a cult! It humours me, while shocking me every time it happens.

Today I posted the following:
If you cross the N. Korean border illegally, you get 12 yrs. hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job, a driver's license, food stamps, a place to live, health care, housing & child benefits, education, & tax free business for 7 yrs..... AND they want US to speak THEIR language!!!! No wonder we are a country in debt.

Its a true statement with a bit of humor in it...but regardless its true. Having been married to a MEXICAN from deep in the depths of Mexico I have experienced personally immigration situations both in Mexico and the US. My ex husband was an illegal when I married him and we went through 5 years of torture, let down, abiding by the law to get him legal in this country. While living in Mexico myself I was imprisoned for 2 days while the local policia checked on my immigration paperwork, under the impression that it was illegal. Mexico doesn't let you work, live or visit past the borders illegally. Why does the US allow it?

*shaking head* It humors and pains me that US citizens & immigrants in this gracious country are so quick to jump on those whose views are different than their own, with out realizing that the constitution and the freedom of speech is a vital part of what makes this country for grand!

Lessons on life....20 years in the making

Last night I attended my 20 year High School reunion. I’m sure everyone is nervous to attend theirs, have apprehension and not sure if they want to attend. I wouldn’t be any different as my nerves were wrapped up in a ball. But I ventured off with my HOT date and we went to celebrate the evening.

When attending your HS reunion what does one expect? To bond with old friends, catch up and maybe even show off a little? I’m sure it’s all of that, the problem for me was that I wasn’t really close to anyone my senior year from my graduating class. My best friends were my friends from youth group and we all attended different HS’s. So it was a bit bitter sweet to attend, sure it was nice to see old faces and see how people have grown and matured, but it also made me realize that I wasn’t really close to anyone in my graduating class. Is that sad? *sighs*

The evening wasn’t a flop but I suppose feeling like the forever bridesmaid and never a bride, can wear on a person after awhile, and last night that’s how I felt. The positive was that J was there being supportive, sexy, loving and himself. *smiles*

Speaking of J, ever met someone that is so hot you wonder why they are with you? That’s J, I mean I understand why I’m seeing him, but not so much him me. He’s HOT and Michelle told me today to not over analyze it because that is when you ruin things when you keep asking why someone is with you. So I am just going with the flow, enjoying the time together and getting to know each other better. Not pushing or running forward, lol I can’t not really, since he has his boys and that will make sure we stay grounded.

I attended film out with Michelle today and we watched an amazing short film called Johnny & Lyman. It’s the love story of 2 gay men who had been together for 65 years. Unfortunately Lyman passed away last month, but the documentary telling about their lives together, how they meet, and lived through 65 years as a gay loving couple was touching, poignant and beyond words. I can’t even explain how their story shows that love straight or gay is powerful of cherished and nurtured. The advice they give to other couples on how to maintain healthy loving relationships touched my heart. I hope the for all mankind, that regardless of your sexual preference that you can see into the truth of their message and be as touched by it as I have been.

Just one unscrambled egg!

I sometimes wonder how I can have feelings for one person yet date others. *sighs* I know that I care about M but I also know that we aren’t together and I have to live my life. Okay I know all this mentally but sometimes emotionally it gets all confuzzled.

Last weekend I meet a guy Charlie (yes that’s a new name to date for me) *smiles* Anyhow Charlie meet me at a CC event I attended and was every bit the gentleman. Paid for a few drinks, asked if he could kiss me, held the doors open, held my hand when we walked over to Denny’s, kissed me good bye. It was nice, and I really enjoyed kissing him. Sat comes around he texts me through out the day, asks me to dinner and a movie for Sunday, I asked if he wanted to attend that evenings pool party for CC. Things seemed to be going well.

TILL….wait for it…

He texts me stating that he’s still married, they are legally separated, he has 3 boys and that if that is bottom line for me he totally understands. The difference between him and M was that he actually MADE time and made it a point to tell me that although he is active with his boy’s baseball and sports, that he makes time for the woman he is dating. So although he was still married and dating a married man is a sensitive issue for me, I decide to move forward and see where things may go.

At the pool party Sat evening we get to know each other better, he tells me about his wife, his ex GF (I should have thought that was a flag, instead of the wife) and just confides in me. Well I warn him as I do any man who I am thinking of dating, that I have some issues such as I tend to be insecure in relationships till I trust the person, that I get needy, and jealous at times. Well he didn’t ask me to expand and I didn’t think much about it. I guess I live by the theory that if I was a man I would appreciate a woman who is open and honest up front about her flaws, then someone who I date for a few months and find out on my own that she’s psycho.

BUT NOPE…wait for it…

Everything seems fine, he comes to my home after the party we talk a bit more, then it gets awkward and he leaves. He kisses me good night. The next morning I wake up to an email from him telling me how awesome I am, smart, sexy, amazing. But that the jealousy and needy parts that I mentioned the night before makes him think we aren’t a good match. I thought to myself REALLY, You’re going to do it this way, on email? How assholey is that? I texted him and said that, then told him good luck. You’d think that was the end of it…but NO!!!

He still texts, and now thinks that we should sleep together. UHH WHAT? Really where do men think that I am going to spread my legs for them? If I’m not good enough to date WHY OH WHY am I good enough to fuck? Seriously? OH *rolling eyes* I forgot they think with the penis.

I am grateful that he decided we weren’t a good fit. Since that email I have seen other sides of him that cause me to shake my head thinking really? Dude you need some HELP and FAST. For example, he’s still in love with his ex gf, and always will be, he freely admits this. He’s ego’s so LARGE, I am surprisedit allows him to get through the door at times and he’s very materialistic. I know you’re probably thinking dear blog that I am only saying this because he rejected me, but its not, its realizing and seeing beyond that first twinge of attraction.

The funny thing is that Charlie wants to remain friends. I have explained to him that to remain friends with him we can not talk sexual, he can not send me pictures of his body and if we did hang out he could NOT kiss me. He doesn’t understand this. I think he thinks that because I am a larger woman that I can’t get a man to have sex with. OH contraire my dear I can get laid very easily, the problem is who will I WANT to get laid by?

I suppose the lesson in this dating scene once again is don’t put all your eggs in one basket, get to know someone before you think they might be dating material, and realize that we all are a bit of cracked eggs. *sighs* Can I meet just one that’s not so scrambled inside?

Reminders that the program is always with you.

Last night in almost a year I realized how the program has helped me and that reaching out sometimes when you need it is only a text or phone call way.

I’m having some HUGE anxiety over this situation with Jess and the guy she’s now seeing. I’m not really sure why. This brought me to last night and reaching out to three of my friends from the program and thank to the heavens that one was able to talk. Just bouncing off her and reminding me to use the steps has helped. I think I need to get to a meeting just to be able to get some strength in how to handle things.

So I am reminded that I am powerless over others and their actions and that although I might have a really bad vibe from J, that I have to let Jess go about her business and find out on her own. She’s a good girl and I worry that she will get hurt, but the only way you learn is to get hurt. She’s just so damn influence able. *sighs*

So learning all these things about J last night didn’t help me, it just if anything reiterates what I was already feeling about him. But it doesn’t really matter as I have said Jess has to come to this understanding and realization all on her own.

So now how do I handle this and are there any deeper feelings that are causing these issues? I’m not attracted to him at all so that’s not it. Is it that Jess has someone else to hang out with besides me these days? I don’t think so…maybe a twing. Could it be that I know what I am feeling is right and I’m upset that she’s not following my advice? Well damnit of course…lol that’s what a codey does. But that is my issue not hers and I have to remind myself of that. I think it’s a little bit of all of this, and they are all my issues and I know this so I have to adjust, process and manage without doing further damage to Jess and my relationship. I owe her apology and I think Sunday I will give her one.

Dang it journaling does help…I need to get back to doing it everyday.

What else is bothering me?

Well for one LA T. GRRR I allowed myself to get suckered into giving him a what third chance, thank heavens it was all talk. So this entire issue with him coming for a visit and the entire flirting/talking to other women thing. I have no right to be upset I know this. But my jealousy and the fact that I feel like I’m being used by him coming down hurts, knowing how he really feels about me and not feeling a chemistry, I think to myself why are you even coming down then? OH yes because you want pussy and will drive 2 hours for it, thinking you’ll get it. The thing is I’m not that desperate for cock, and getting it from M would be much easier and not screw with my head, so why am I allowing this man to come down and use me this way? Is it the wanting of someone to be around me, a male someone? That’s some of it I know, but at the same time I need to respect myself and my body and by allowing him to come down will not allow that…so it’s for the best that I walked away last night. Besides this opens him up to be able to enjoy the drama of Cali and all of them on that site. So I deleted my profile from that site, going to stay away, why well because it’s a pretty poisonous place.

I know I know some of this is triggered by my issues and I am working on them, but working on them and allowing someone to disrespect me is totally different.
*sighs* Why can’t M just see what’s in front of him? *sighs* I miss…oh that’s another day.

body hurts

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I so dislike feeling out of sorts. I don't know what is going on with me my body feels like its falling apart, my head is pounding, my vajaja has a cold, and my stomach feels constantly like I'm gonna puke.

My body hurts which effects my mind, which effects my emotions. UGH!!! I feel like I'm falling apart!

Sleep.

I wish that sleep could come and stay. I can’t seem to get enough of it lately. I go to bed and I’m exhausted but some where in the middle of the night I wake up and toss and turn. What is on my mind? Money? Work? Love? My Friends? I don’t know it seems as though I can’t really seem to feel comfortable at the moment with anything in my life. I go to work and don’t want to work, or seem that I waste the entire day screwing around online, then I come home and do that same. *Sighs* so what is wrong with me?

I told myself that I am going to get out this weekend into the sun and spend very little money. Maybe I can go see my niece and spend some time with her. I don’t know. It is life and it is funny and I have been down and I don’t like that. *sigh*

He’s on my mind and I don’t know why, he’s words on a screen like all the others, do I dare say it’s different? The words are the same, what will the actions be?

So calling someone home is a bad thing. *sighs*

I try to write honestly about what’s going in my life, I try to verbalize nicely what I am feeling, and I try to do it in a way that well just is me. But I’m learning that maybe just maybe I shouldn’t be honest at all.

It’s been a difficult 8 days. After not feeling well for a few weeks I made a doctor’s appointment, last week. Come to find out that I have been fostering a bacterial infection, UGH!!! It’s been so painful now 7^th day on the meds and I feel really emotional and fragile. To top it off today L.A.~ T tells me that his ex wife is going to be moving into his condo for three months while she gets back on her feet. Talk about a wrench being thrown into the already confusion and emotions about him and me. So we have decided to be friends, whatever that means. There is anger, and mistrust and hurt feelings, and to tell you dear blog the truth not really sure what I’m feeling. But tomorrow is a new day and when the sun rises so will I am the dread will go away.

Last night after a month of no communication with M, I broke down and texted him yesterday. I’m not really sure why, it’s not like I needed him or that L.A.~T and I were going along badly. I guess I was more curious, my calendar told me it had been a month and I was I suppose disappointed that he hadn’t texted me first. The entire text conversation was strange. He had said a few things that caught me off guard and I didn’t quite understand till I got home that evening and re-read my blog. I just sighed to myself and thought really? REALLY you’re going to read into my words instead of asking me what is going in my life. You’re going to take a compliment that I wrote about you as an insult and throw it back in my face? It sat wrong with me and actually hurt my feelings. I like M, I always have I like him a lot and the comfortable feeling I get being with him makes me feel safe. Why is him feeling like home an insult?

So tonight my emotions are all over the place and my reaction is to ask M to come over, but I don’t because he’ll think that I’m using him and I know how I don’t like that feeling, I don’t want to make anyone I care about feel that way. So I’ll remind myself that one day someone will want to be there for me, to hold me on the nights that the day seemed to hold nightmares.