The wall holds the hurt out....but also the joy!

Oh such is life. You wonder why a person has rules or boundaries in their life. It’s to protect their heart and soul. The mind can process the rejection, the turned shoulder, the realization that it isn’t what your heart thought it might be. So why do I always make exceptions for the rules that I know protect my heart?

Oh yes because inside I realize people are good, and that they need a friend, someone to cheer them on and show them the positive of life.

So I bent the rules for HS. Even though I knew that he wasn’t divorced and still living in the same house as his wife. I bent them sensing that he needed a friend and someone to shower him with care, affirmation, and encouragement  and today I get told that he needs the space that I knew he would need. So as much as I tried to avoid getting involved or attached at all, what did I do? I got attached!

He’s a great man. Funny, intelligent, handsome, and caring, and baggage! He’s depressed, stressed and needs some space…AKA cant’ deal with me at the moment. So rejection comes in a nice form, but it’s still rejection.  I understand where he’s at and know that he really needs a friend who will just be positive, supportive, and caring without expectations.

Does it suck? Yeah! It was nice to have someone charmed and enchanted with me, showered me with attention and really seemed interested in me. Alas I know better, I know to not allow myself to get involved in attached men! Ugh brain can you let the heart and soul know this and stop it in the future from happening.

I know why I tear them down, bend, allow the exceptions in, because when you build the walls so high it keeps the hurt out but eliminates allow the joy in also! Without joy life doesn’t matter.

So I will continue to live my life with an open heart, mind, & soul. Loving, giving, and protecting those that are put in my life, for the joy does out weigh the hurt eventually.

 

Numbness shouldn't surprise me.

Why am I always so surprised by people? I really shouldn't be. Earlier this evening I got a phone call from G its been awhile and I was quite surprised by everything he was telling me. So much had happened in his life the past few months. But what did it for me was that this woman whom he had sex with, they are now living together. I was dumbfounded and sat on the phone not really sure what to say to him, so I said that I was glad to hear that things were turning around and that he was safe and happy. But that I didn't want to get into the middle of the drama or cause issues for him and his GF.

Its funny how someone you had feelings for and thought that they had for you can just turn your stomach upside down when you find out where they are in their life. Or that you never meant anything to them.  I suppose what it made me realize more than anything is how much I appreciate HS in my life and all that he has brought into it the past few weeks. The other positive (as if I have to find more) is that I am ever so grateful that G and I didn't last. I wouldn't have wanted to be in the drama or realize that I was being used. 

He seemed sincere on the phone, but I really don't know what to feel or say. I'm  feeling a bit numb over the entire thing, shocked that he moved in with this woman, after telling me that he didn't want to date, or be serious about anyone. He tells me that its different she's a family friend they have known each other for years, that the boys know her, etc etc. But *shaking head* that is suppose to make me feel better? I sometimes wonder if people realize that things they say might seem okay but can sting like a bee and poison like a spider. 

I cared about him at one time. Tonight I just feel numb not sure why that surprised me.

Where is that DAMN map?

I wish my brain could tell my heart where to go. This weekend was a test of whatever it was supposed to do, say, feel, on top of it I started my cycle so it just helped make things that much more intense and emotional.

As I complained about earlier I admitted to him that I was having feelings for him and then it seemed that I was ignored all weekend. I guess it was a rough weekend for him with the soon to be ex and being sick. *Sighs* could my brain tell my heart/feelings to just not feel? That would be so much easier and so much more of sanity than this feeling I am constantly feeling at the moment.

Yumminess is causing heartache also. Can’t he just leave and the feelings go away with him? It would/will never go anywhere so why do I still have these feelings for him after so many years? Why the feeling of just give it a damn chance!!!

Oh that road map from the brain would be so welcomed right now!

DON'T ADMIT IT!!

So I made the mistake the the night of admitting that I liked someone more than I should or thought I would. *sighs* Ever since then things have changed. I'm trying to reel myself in and not seem so panicky or need but its changed totally changed since I admitted that out loud. I keep telling myself that I'm being crazy that its just that he's under the weather or busy or what not. But still it  feels like abandonment and like I'm not as important on the weekend as I am during the week. *sighs* I can't always explain my emotions or my illogical brain thoughts, but they are there they are me and it is what is. 


It was nice hearing from him, feeling like someone was attracted to me, interested, showing my attention but it all changed when I admitted I was starting to like him. *sighs*

I'm feeling my insecurities big time this weekend, feeling like no matter how much you might start to like someone that you should NEVER EVER EVER admit it. I mean EVER! The moment you do things change and they are no longer interested or act the the same way towards you. So if you're enjoying the attention, affection or what not..DON"T ADMIT IT!!!  

That feeling

How do I reel myself in so that I stay sane while that feeling or panic is creeping up? Its that feeling of liking someone a little more than you should even though the logic of your mental brain is telling you to not o there. How come the brain and the heart (for lack of another word to explain the emotional side of a person) can't be in synch when it comes to liking someone. *sighs* A little concerned that I am liking someone when all I can see in the tunnel up head is heartache. But for some reason I can't seem to make the train stop, or even want to pull the brakes. So how do I reel myself in and stop the panicky feeling that is building up? 

He's such a different person, issues, baggage, but *smiles* funny, intelligent, genuine, admits his faults and seems to be working on them. Plus he things I'm intriguing, (wait who doesn't?). We knew of each other back in HS, but didn't really know each other, funny how 20 years later you seem to click in a totally different sense. 

Buttercup asks if its just that he's giving me attention that I haven't gotten in a very long time. *frowns* I hope its not that. I really hope its what I am logically thinking it is. At the same time I know that logically I have to keep myself in check for at least the next few months, while he sorts things out on his end. 

Friends are always good right? Friends can build things to a different level, but as Buttercup said last night can you really keep it friends when you both know there is an attraction? 
                                        I DON"T KNOW!! 

Crap! I'm don't know the future, I don't have a crystal ball, I can't read the cards.  All I know is right now I'm really enjoying getting to know him. I look forward to spending time with him, and all I can think about is wanting to hug him, touch him and experience him. Is that so terrible? 

Is it so awful to want someone to care about and what someone to care back? 

Someone to show affection & attention to? Isn't that what our Higher Power created us for, to find our mate and live life lovingly, healthily, and happy for the length of the journey we are put on together? 

So why can't I put the panicky feeling aside and just enjoy the time, the path, the journey? Why do I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for someone? The feeling feeds my brain that feeds the insecurity. The thoughts of what if its not mutual? What if he doesn't feel the same? What if its just the physical, sexual part, he wants and not the added part? What if he's not feeling what I think I'm feeling? What if I scare him off? What if? Oh so many what ifs, what if, what if.....just take this feeling with you and your what ifs. 

So what if I just stopped and reminded myself that to find love you have to risk love, and the what if could be a it does!


 

Drinking the day after

Last night I went to Club Catalina's Halloween party, Buttercup and Mike went with me. I knew I was going to get sloshed and had every plan on it. It's been a really rough few weeks at work and I needed the relief. I also knew that I wanted to have fun, dance, laugh and just release some stress. It was a great time. I did succeed in getting sloshed, and today I am paying for it.

Ugh I spent the entire day in bed, after yakking my brains out last night and all morning, I finally woke up around 1pm and felt like crap. Buttercup brought some cracker and Gatorade that seemed to help bring me some electrolytes back into my body and I was able to recover. But dang it I wasted the day in bed and trying to recover. 

Drinking is fine and dandy till you go over board and pay the next day. Hey at least my Dorothy costume was a huge hit!

What is a friend?

After my divorce I got addicted to an online adult chat room. My entire focus was this chat room; I lost 2 jobs thanks to my actions of needing to chat in it. I did meet tons of people and have what I thought as HUNDREDS of friends. Lots of people on IM, and was quite popular. (Well at least in my mind) This addiction went on for a number of years and although I did have a ton of friends they were all from this chat room/site.

What I came to realize after way too many years wasted on this addiction, was that these people weren’t really friends. They were screen names on a computer screen.  To be a friend to someone you have to spend REAL time with them. You have to know what their face looks like when they are laughing, farting, crying, or living life. A friend is someone that is there for you during the good and bad, someone you can fight with and then hug and all will be okay. Someone who knows what your house looks like cleaned and totally a mess, knows your favorite ice cream, movie, or  drink, the people who cheer your accomplishments on, and mourn the losses.  A friend is someone whom you physically do things in life with, someone who shares their life with you, who misses you when you’re gone, and can’t wait to see you again.

I started to realize that the people I looked at as friends where just words/screen names on a computer screen and I was able to eventually break my addiction.  I do go in and chat from time to time, but it’s not this undying need to be there every second of every day. To fall asleep at the computer, just to wake up and jump back on the room. Yes I had a problem and yes I’ll admit it. So what does this have to do with where I am in my life these days?

Although I don’t view myself as having this addiction any longer, I am realizing that many people think they are friends with someone yet they don’t spend any physical time with the person. A lot of people think they are your friend and all you do is text or IM.

It has become the newest form of communication, yet the most misunderstood (next to emails) and the most archaic in my personal opinion.  So many people misunderstand what a text means; you can’t hear the intention behind a text. So why is it that people are okay with texting and communicating this way? Yes I enjoy texting, and yes I do text, but I have a problem with having a serious conversation via text. I’m forced many times because so many people won’t talk on the phone or even meet in person to talk anymore.  It’s sad and it makes me at least wonder is the friendship really worth it? Let alone does the person on the other end even value the gift of friendship that I am offering them?

To me a friend is someone that you spend time with, you hear their voice, you share holiday photos with, you’re able to count on and them, and them you in times of good and bad. A friend isn’t a text buddy; it’s not someone that your sole form of communication is words on a small phone screen.  

Friends are those that call you to spend time with you and you them. So why is this so difficult to explain to the males in my life, who are saying we are “friends”? Why would you rather be alone and have a “friend” on text, than spend time with that person? I’d rather have friends that I know where they live, that I can call and will give me a ride home because I’m too drunk from the party, someone I can make chicken soup for when sick, hold their hand when they are upset, and celebrate lives accomplishments with. Is it so unreasonable to want a true friendship with the people that are in your life?

Have we really become such a technology society that even our friends are 2 dimensional? I’d like to make sure that all of mine are in 3D, true, loving, healthy, and with life forms, vers my various electronic devices.

Step up become a true friend to those in your life, for before you know it , your life will be gone and you’ll look around and regret the wasted time. Be a true friend, start today.

Downunder!

Hello from down under, Australia to be exact. What a whirlwind trip I'm on, Melbourne, Darwin, Brisbane, Phillips Island, Kakaduu, and Sydney, wheee I'm tired just typing all that. It has been a trying few weeks of travel. I think travel alone for this long is trying but add family members that don't totally get along and you've got STRESS!!! No one has strangled anyone yet, and we seem to be getting along fine for the most part. 

The house in Morning Side was amazingly beautiful and peaceful, Melbourne was a bit chilly but was very nice. Darwin has been EXTREMELY hot, 110 in the shade. We have a wonderful pool at the house and that has been a god sent, since you can't swim in the ocean rivers, or billabongs due to crocks. So the pool is nice. 

Kakadu has been the hottest and I will say has been very much like camping. We cook everything out on the barbie and sleep in a pretty nice hotel room, its a drive to everything and there is no internet access. I've been reading a lot of books and have been enjoying my solitude when I get it. 

We'll be off to Sydney soo and than home. I am really looking forward to Sydney, the opera house, the city and just enjoying getting back home to my own bed. 

I haven't met any smashing Australian men yet, but there is still time so who knows.  Mum would really like me to meet someone new lol just not sure is meeting him in a different country is all that smart. 

My next post will be from home and tons of pics. I took over 700 so far! Amazing shots. Can't wait to see them.

Jiggled brain

Sometimes I wonder where I get my thought process and why I think that I deserve certain things or certain looking types of men. I mean sure I have a great set of boobies, an amazing smile, sense of humor over the moon, and I think I’m pretty amazing, but I’m also overweight, and that is a huge well flaw. So why is that I view a man on looks, what he has to offer, his sense of humor and his intelligence. Is this normal?

Take for example a date I had the other night. We met for tea at a local Starbucks. I knew from his pictures on OKC that he was a larger man and I was okay with that. When we met I thought okay he’s a little larger than I first thought but give him a chance. He had terrible teeth, and smokes, strikes against. Him but he was really nice to chat with and I thought okay let me see. As we continued to talk though, I don’t know what overcame me but I knew right off the bat there would be nothing but a friendship. The attraction wasn’t there. Now yes I am not so shallow that I base things all on looks, looks I know come and go, but it was the fact that at mid-40’s he’s still struggling financially, he drives a crappy beat up van, and has a terrible relationship with his daughters mum. I don’t want to come off as materialistic or stuck up, but I would like to date a man that it doesn’t break the bank to go to coffee, a movie or breakfast. I’d like to date a man that can travel with me, who can go away for the weekend, etc. I would like that eventually to get re-married, purchase a home, and live a comfortable life. So I would hope that by the time you’re in your 40s you’re making decent money and able to provide for a woman in your life. Unfortunately cowboy wasn’t the one. *frowns*

So I ventured to a different realm that I have ventured to and stuck a toe in a few times and that was as a cuckoldess. I meet this okay looking man we’ll call him cucklooking. Anyhow cuck, wanted a cuckoldress (or a hotwife) a woman who is controlling, has sex with others, wears the pants (skirt) in the relationship and commands the attention in a room. I’m thought of this many times and some thought okay let’s venture here. We talked on the phone for about an hour in the morning and decided to meet for lunch. I dressed I thought appropriately for the date, not a lot of cleavage, etc. After all my focus was on the relationship part first, than build onto the kinky part. Well somewhere in the date (smirks) cuck decided that I looked too much like a school teacher and that it wouldn’t work. I was fine with it; he had and arrogance about him that turned me off. Funny thing is that evening he was begging me for a second chance, and the next morning when I thought about it he had already moved on.  What I learned is that sometimes your version of what you want a relationship and someone else’s might perfect on paper or in words but in actions they are worlds apart.

I miss T more and more. It’s strange, I know he’s not available and I know all I can get from him is emails, and when he gets home a few stolen months. But it’s nice to have a man actually think you’re sexy, beautiful, and a temptress when it seems everyone else around you things of you as a fat, ugly, unattractive woman. *sighs*

I think ever since the car accident my brain was shook a little too much that I wonder sometimes if I am dreaming or reality. Sometimes I seriously have to pinch myself to know if I am dreaming or awake. It’s a strange feeling. The feeling of seeing death, of wanting to share your experience, the knowledge, with those around you but not having the words to explain it to anyone. How do show those around you your sorry for your past mistakes, that life is beautiful, that granting forgiveness, love, and happiness to others is not something learned, but a gift. How do you share with those you have hurt, how do you ask for forgiveness and know that you have no power over getting it, and be okay with that? How does one accept that you have to love, forgive and treat yourself right before you can anyone else? The brain gets jiggled a bit and all the pieces fall out or is it together?

Heavy sighs

I heard from Jess yesterday that G is going through a lot. Work, divorce, just seems life is crashing down on him. When I heard this my first reaction was to want to hold him and make everything go away, but I couldn't, he won't let that happen. So I unblocked him on my celly and texted him. I don't know if that was the smartest thing to do but its what I did. So I sent two texts both pretty much saying that if he needed someone to talk to that I was here, and that I was sending positive vibes his way. *frowns* I had hoped he would respond back with at least a thank you, but alas nothing. So maybe the universe was right, maybe our time and journey together really is over. Maybe I need to just stop caring about him at all and just move on. Its obvious that I don't mean anything to him, so why should I allow him to continue to take up space in my soul, mind or heart. Oh I know why because I care about him, because when someone touches in my life its not like I can totally just turn them off because of spat, they have moved on or what not. Its sad and painful but the reality of life. *so take a breathe and sigh*

Its a 3 day holiday weekend and I am alone yet again. Alas such is a journey of life. Trying to figure out things to do that aren't going to cost me an arm and a leg because of the strict strict budget I'm on till November. 

Australia is 20 days away I am so excited, nervous and apprehensive. *heavy sigh* I'm going to make my list today and figure out what I am taking with me. I know it seems silly to do so early but being a preparer I would totally freak out if I wanted till the day before. This way also I can see if I need anything. 

HEAVY SIGH...it will be okay...and I truly hope my friend (ex friend) is good.

So Its Thursday!

Ugh! I so wish it was Friday! Then the three day weekend would be here and I could just veg and not think about work or the insecurities I am feeling inside. My gut is telling me more and more that I won’t be with this company for long and that is a really unsettleing feeling. I do TONS for them, I work my bootie off and yes I make mistakes but everyone does. Its just this feeling that you can’t make mistakes, that’s just a terrible feeling to have with a job. Plus this week I am extremely tired. *scratches head* is that time coming? Hmm

I told K yesterday that I just didn’t see him and I going anywhere. I’m just not really good with the passive aggressive attitude that he has, and the negativity is a buzz kill. So I thought I had cut ties, till this morning he texts saying why don’t I come over Sat and you can cook me dinner. I was like uhhh what? First of all even if I wanted to give this a second date chance inviting him to my house would not be an option especially not right now, second uhhh I told you yesterday I didn’t want to see you again.  *shaking head*

Its just sad everytime I meet someone I think of the potential and then when I’m on the date or when it goes bad I think about G. *sighs* and its really not that G was anything special. I mean he wasn’t Chatum Tatum or anything, but he was just comfortable to me. Except when he flew off the handle because of miscommunication. But when we first started talking and when he came over to my place it was some of my favorite nights. I still think and laugh about when we went to dinner in poway, about thinking he might actually kiss me that night and he didn’t.  He became one of my favorite people, the person that I wanted to tell things to, share things, laugh, cry, hold, be safe to yell to, unload my basket. But somewhere along the way  our insecurities and differences have over shadowed the feelings we had so many months ago.  It’s a shame because I miss him so, but I know that he will never make the step towards trying to fix the friendship, so each day I remind myself that this too shall pass and to move on.  Is it really that easy?

Buttercup has been getting on my nerves a lot this week. Each day I seem to find more and more reasons to be upset at her. Last night I flipped because she wanted her Bf to come down this weekend, at the same time I wanted to be alone. I get so frustrated at my place being a mess and that she really doesn’t seem to care. I clean and the minute she comes home it’s a mess again. Don’t get me wrong there are times that I am so grateful that she is there, like when she pays rent, or when she brings dinner home on a really rough night.  I like living with her most of the time, I just wish she was more considerate of my place. It reminds me so much of the complaints my mum had when I moved back home from my divorce. Sorta funny in a way at the same time frustrating.

I’ve been thinking of starting another Blog, something like me through out the year. I take a photo of myself every morning (*frowns* I use to send it to G everyday, he seemed to enjoy it, I miss that, silly huh?) and I thought wouldn’t it be cool if I did a blog with a picture a day? Then I could see myself throughout the ages. I’m thinking seriously about it.

It’s SHIT day So Happy Its Thursday, and I will say that I am!!! Celebrate tomorrows Friday!!!

Nope it wasn’t him.

Can you say NEXT? Yep yep Friday’s date was a bust. The guy is very nice and a total gentleman, but there was just things that didn’t click with me. Like the feeling that in my gut I get the feeling that he’s married. The fact that he stressed over these three little old ladies taking up two couches at the wine bar, to the point that until they left that’s all he could concentrate on. REALLY? Uhhhh chill it‘s not the end of the world. Like the fact that before we met he called me constantly and after all he’s done to communicate with me is through text (epic fail!) So I say NEXT, move on to the next man and who knows one day mine might be around the corner.            

It’s been over a week since I had any communication with G. I do miss him, I miss the friend I thought I had in him. I miss how it use to be, I just miss him. But this too shall pass, what he did and the fact that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong outweighs the missing part. It’s sad because we were just getting back to a good spot. Such is life. *frowns*

In other news, I am getting pretty stressed out about my trip to Australia. Only 3 weeks left and I feel so unprepared, financially, work wise, and emotionally. I’m trying to work through it and know all will be good but it has been such a concern in the back of my head the past few days that I feel myself fighting off an anxiety attack.

Speaking of work, it seems like I get one thing done and twenty more pile up on my desk. I realize I do get a lot more done when I stay late, or when no one is in the office. Funny how that is huh? I think I can just concentrate better when not having to be concerned with what everyone else in the office needs, or the phone ringing.

Other positive news, Jess and I are planning a birthday trip for her 30^th. I am so excited, I think we are going to take a cruise I’ve never been on a cruise and think it would be an awesome way to celebrate her 30^th birthday. SOOO much fun.

So it wasn’t him, but he’s out there, I can feel it. So NEXT!!!

Is it my turn yet?

Late post I wrote this last week but my internet has been down....so here it is.

It seems that the end of the summer brings a lot of my friends coupling up and finding their partner. I look around and wonder

when will it be my turn to find my other half. Tomorrow night I have a date with a really nice man, I say man because he truly is a man and not a boy like most of the guys I have dated over the past few years. He calls me instead of texting, He doesn't carry on important conversations on text or even the phone, he doesn't judge on weight or looks, but on personality, heart, attitude and actions. He has a good job, owns his own business, and believes in making a woman a priority in his life if she is his woman. He wants to make my life happy, and enjoys smiling and laughing with me. So is he my turn? Is he the one I have been searching so long for? Is he the one I have been waiting for? The one to hold my hand and make my tummy flip with somersaults? I believe so and I believe that it is my time, my turn, the path I have been waiting and searching for.

After all everyone's turn comes around at some time or other.

I want to punch him in the throat!!

I've never wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I want to punch G in the throat right now. I am so pissed, hurt, feeling foolish, humiliated, and stupid that I want to hurt someone. I know its not healthy, its not a healthy way to release the anger, but its a very real feeling I have right now. That and wanting to cry deeply for a long time. 

What has brought this feeling on you ask? Well dear readers I will tell you. G and I started talking again, and we have tried to mend our relationship into a friendship possibly a FWB. But we have yet to do anything together, I've asked and asked but he has been busy with one thing or another. A few weeks ago my company went to the horse races and I asked him to attend with me he couldn't but said how much he really wanted to go. So I got tickets for us to go this past weekend. well half way through the week he tells me he can't go he has Daddy duties, I was hurt but understood. I asked if he wanted to do something Friday night he said he had to finish some work. So I let it be.  I texted him Sat afternoon asking if he wanted to do something after he was done with the party no response back. 

This afternoon I get a text from him. We we're flirting a bit and I said something about getting naked. he proceeds to tell me that he should tell me that he went out the night before to dinner with an old Jeeping friend and they ended up having sex. I was livid. I couldn't believe it, all this time all these months that we have tried to go to dinner and he hasn't had time, that this woman happens to call him at the right time and he goes. He goes without even thinking about me. Its not that he had sex with this woman. Its that he chose to spend time with someone else over me yet again!!! That he didn't even think about me or our friendship. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, he doesn't think he owes me an apology. We aren't in a relationship, YES I know this...but a friendship is a relationship!! I think I deserve to be treated a little bit better than being an optional friend when the timing is right, especially when he is a priority friend in my life. 

I haven't been this angry at someone in a long long time. I keep going back and forth between wanting to cry and wanting to punch him in the throat. Either one isn't an option right now, but what is is to block him number, write him off and close that door forever. Its been a joke of a ride and now I have to suck up the anger and let it go.

Submission and Dominance

As I find myself exploring the BDSM realm again at this stage in my life I'm asked by a Domme to define what submission is to me and what it is that I am looking for. Although I failed her assignment as I didn't follow directions to to T, I did realize through writing the below assignment what I desire and ultimately want from a relationship.

 What submission is to me- by s

The Dictionary defines submission as “The act of submitting to the power of another”. The

yahoo Voice website states there are three different types of submission in the BDSM lifestyle,

Submissive, Slave & Pet. I have always found their definitions the most understandable to me.

As a submissive you submit to your Master, you give up control for long periods of time.

However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them. A submissive

usually seeks their control through sexual play.

As a slave your control is given up COMPLETELY. Slaves live the lifestyle 24/7; there is no

distinction between a normal day and a BDSM day. Their Dominate controls every aspect of

their life. Being a slave is not something one is made to do but a choice that they have made

and are a slave from the day they ask for it.

As a pet you are a salve with one large difference, sex usually is not involved. You gain your

pleasure from the control of the relationship and not from the sexual play. This type of submission is

warned to be dangerous as you rarely have any thoughts, feelings, or reactions of your own.

As I researched the different types of submission years ago, I quickly came to realize that I was a

submissive through and through. The idea of giving of myself to someone whom had more sexual

experience than myself, who knew new things that I couldn’t even imagine being enjoyable. Having my

mind controlled and excited beyond anything I could imagine. Trusting this person and giving of the

ultimate gift, the gift of my body through submission, this brought the little slut girl inside me to the

surface with excitement.

Of course over the years I have dabbled with a few men in being the Dominate, although the control and

having a tongue on demand was nice. It’s not the same for me and I have known that inside I really am a

submissive.

As we mature, grow, learn and seek out our life’s path we fine tune things. I’ve recently realized that

what I would ultimately desire is a mix between a submissive slut and Taken in Hand relationship. A

Taken in Hand Relationship is defined by the Taken in Hand website as “a sexually-exclusive marriage

in which the husband wears the trousers and is firmly in charge- he always puts his wife and their

relationship first. Putting her & the relationship first if the key to creating a marriage in which the main

is in control in a good, healthy, sustainable way. Taken in Hand wives (women) tend to not claim to

be submissive but they do respect, honor and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them”

My dream relationship would be a mixture of a Taken in Hand and submissive, although I want a

relationship that they man is in charge (I always think back to the 50’s) I’d also like the sexually open

aspect of a swinging relationship.

So understanding my ultimate dream of a relationship, I continue to look inside to see what would get

me along the path to finding and satisfying the little slut girl inside me. I realized that submission to me

is the control in the bedroom, being treated like a dirty slut, the mind control, the being used to please

my partner, gagging on a cock, being asked if I like that as a huge cock is being shoved down my throat,

being spanked over a knee for misbehaving, pleasing Daddy (or mommy). To me it means acceptance,

someone who knows my deepest fantasies would never judge me or say I am wrong for having those

feelings. Having someone who would get excited in wanting to see my boundaries, fantasies, and

mind expanded beyond where I am now. Someone who would take pride in rewarding me for an

accomplishment, having someone cheering me on, as if I’m swimming the 400 IM at the Olympics, to

see the smile on my Dom/me’s face knowing they are happy with me brings contentment to my soul.

The thought of being able to FINALLY give up complete control to someone being able to trust them

so that the little slut girl inside could not have to worry about how to get release sexually, mentally or

emotionally.

I’m not sure how I prefer to express myself as a submissive to other, I suppose my greatest thing is to

have my body used and pleased by them. To bring satisfaction to them, with accomplishing whatever

is asked of me. I try my hardest to accomplish tasks in a timely matter, and not displease my Dom/me,

sometimes life does interfere and I have to take my punishment for that when it occurs. Understanding

that through punishment I will grow and learn to be better.

I would like to learn to be able to trust completely, to be able to know that my Dom/me has my best

interest at heart. I would like to be able to release myself completely not having to think and just do as

my Dom/me tells me to do. I’d like to be able to release the little slut girl inside and know that she will

be greeted with love and acceptance.

To me an ultimate D/s relationship would be one where there is mutual respect, unconditional love,

& understanding. That neither one of the two in the relationship look at the others with disrespect, or

be judged for their passions, fantasies, desires, or thoughts. Where both sides are one in a two person

relationship. That both seek to pleasure the other through sexual, mental, and emotional fulfillment. To

me this is the truest and healthiest form of a D/S relationship.

Night and Day

So I have been told that I am a great woman. Sweet, Caring, Sexy, great in bed, positive energy, great heart but that I have another side of me a stalkerish side. I already know this and although it seems silly to try and defend that side I feel I need to. 

I have trust issues big time, most men say something and their actions differ. So when I'm seeing someone I tend to check things out to make sure their words are matching their actions. What I have found is that is what usually freaks men out. What I find funny is that  what they usually are upset about is that I have caught them in their words not matching their actions. 

Take LD for example. He tells me on Sunday that he is just going to look for friends he wants to see also where things might go with us. Yet he's always on that site checking people out over and over and over again, its quite annoying so I have deleted him from my phone, I'm moving on he's not worth it. 

Since when did I have to only date one man? Dating is exactly that DATING!! So that is what I am going to do DATE...and I am going to control and not let my night (stalker) side appear or care anymore.

You've got mail.

Every time I see a new email come in my heart drops a little bit at the same time beating faster thinking it might be from him. Who is him you ask? Him (yes I know it should be He) is the Lonely Divorcee that I went out with on a great date last Friday.

I meet him on the horrid site, that I swore I would never join again alas I did rejoin and alas I have met someone that is not only handsome and sweet, but witty, sarcastic and seems very interested in me.

We had a wonderfully fun evening last Friday dinner at a local Mexican eatery, it was so funny because we both mix our beans and rice together without even realizing the other was doing it. (Hey it tastes better that way, try it) Than we went to the local bowling alley, where I proceeded to kick his bum (*giggles*, okay if you ask him the truth would be that he wiped the floor with me, but there is always a rematch*smiles*) We did go back to his house, talked and fell asleep. No we did not have sex, we did touch but that was all, hey you can’t have sex on the first date right? *smiles*

Everything seemed to be going GREAT until my insecurities and jealousy came out a tiny bit yesterday.  I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t wasting my energy and time thinking that things might go further if he was planning on dating a lot of different women.  I didn’t think it was fair to me, to the other women, or well him. It was hard to explain on text, so I asked him to call me. We discussed it and I as I processed my feelings and thoughts while at the theater, it came to me that I would accept that I really did want to see where things would go with LD and trust that his actions were true and that he  also wanted to see where things might go, while making new friends.

So I told him this and things seemed to be going well last night on text. Till he texted me asking me if I took medicine, I was taken a little back and defensive. I’m not really sure why I was caught off guard or why I got defensive maybe the fact that people judge so much. But then when I thought about it I realized that I didn’t even have my medicine with me at his place.  I tried to explain but he said no he was going to sleep.

This morning during a text I got the sense that something was off with him, he told me that he guessed today was his day to process. I want to let him do that, give him the space and let him make his decision at the same time I am freaking out a bit about what if he decides I’m not worth it (although I know I am *smiles*) I have to trust my HP, God, Angels, Guides and everyone else that if it is meant to be that he will process how worth it I am.

He has a lot going on right now, it’s his week with his little ones, he’s waiting to see if he made Chief (I know if my gut he did!) So the next 6 weeks will be intense for him and I’d like to be secure enough to be able to stand by and show him the support and care that he deserves. I just hope that my insecurities that make me, me, haven’t totally scared him off.

From what I have seen and learned about him, he is a very generous, caring, man who needs someone to show him how amazing he really is. You can see it in his eyes that he needs to be lifted up and cherished, maybe he’ll let me. I really hope so because being Lonely doesn’t have to be if you reach beyond the past and let someone in.

They need to stay in the past.

One of my goals this year was to not contact past lovers, well I have failed that BIG time! I’ve been in contacted with M & Yummines. *frown* I added G to that list a month ago but we have been in contacted via text almost every other day.

Today he texts me saying that he can only control himself and that he wasn’t going to be talking to me anymore (uhh we don’t talk we text) and that he can’t handle my freak outs or the hot and cold. That I’m an nice girl but what I said about him spending time with his family last week pissed him off. *rolls eyes* uhhhh He’s the one in March who told me his family controls his entire life and that he wanted to break away from them. He works with them all and then spends almost every spare minute with them. I’m not sure how healthy that is, I don’t know I’m working at not judging, but when you tell me that you want to break away from someone then blame me for pointing out that you’re spending a lot of time with them, something is really wrong. Right now I’m in the no BS mode, I really don’t care if he wants nothing to do with me GREAT!!! Awesome one more weed to not have to continually put weed spray on.

M & Yumminess, I need to start to feel that same way about. *sighs* Nothing good comes of going back to those from your past, the same issues are there and the same reactions. So leave the past in the past and move on.

Speed Dating

So I went to speed dating last night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were 12 guys and 12 women, 5 min increments to talk. Everyone was really really nice, and there were about 4 that I could see myself going on a date with. So 4 that I said yes to and 2 have said yes back. Now comes the part of patience, do I wait for them to email me or do I email them and say it was nice meeting them last night? I know that Allison A says in her programs to wait for the guy to come for you, to not chase them and that they will be the hunters. The thing is most of the guys that were there last night are computer guys and you know computer guys they are shy quiet and not always up on the etiquette of dating. *sighs* so what to do what to do. 

Migraines are back today. UGH!!! I need to drink more water and exercise. But my brain is so hurting right now that I don't want to go outside in the bright lights. I don't want to do much of anything and I have a lot of things I need to do around the house. Especially cleaning...UGH! It seems like the cleaning never gets done in the house. 

I saw this on a friends Facebook today and it hit me...don't rush it! 

If I can get through 12, 5 min dates, I can deal with anything that comes my way.

I got a new job!!!

Yep, me! I got a new job. I actually thought I would stay at my current job a lot longer but I see the writing on the wall and after a SECOND hour cut in four years, I thought it was time to start looking. It was perfect timing, I sent my resume in for a construction company here in the east county, (which is funny because I thought for a moment it might be for my company) and how they called about two weeks ago for an interview. It went amazingly well and I got called in for a second interview this week, with the entire office and that went well. I pretty much thought I had it in the bag and was expecting a call the next day. But no call, I was starting to doubt myself and resigned that I would move on bigger and better. The next morning the phone rang and I was offered the job, AWESOME growth potential, five bucks more and hour, full time, benefits, and not having to stress about things anymore. Its a bittersweet accomplishment, excited for the new adventure, yet very sad to be leaving my current position and the family I have come to love and respect over the past four years. I'm looking at the positive and not going to let myself get to sad about it all. My last day is actually on my birthday, it will be a great day. 

I ran/walked 2 miles in 29.20 minutes in the Mission Thin Possible's first challenge this past Monday. It was an amazing evening, and lots and lots of fun. I can't wait to see how my time changes in 11 weeks when we do it again. 

Tonight I am venturing out to try speed dating. I'm extremely nervous as it feels like going out on ten first dates all on the same night. Well to be truthful isn't that what it is? you think can I really be myself in a few mins? Can you be rejected by ten men in one night and not have your ego affected? Alas I'm doing it for fun and if I can't have fun what's the point in living? 

Life is good, even better now with a new job, working on a new body, and working on the soul...its a good place. Just be honest and positive and things will fall into place.

War stories of first dates

So last night I went on a first date with a guy I had met on line about a month ago. For the last month he'd been trying to get me to come over to his house to "hang out" to which I kept turning him down. I told him to ask me out. Well he told me that it would have to wait till after the 1st when he got paid. So I said okay, it gave us time to talk and get to know each other.

The 1st came and we decided to go out on Cinco de mayo. I asked what he wanted to do and he suggested a movie, I suggested a Mexican dinner because well it was Cinco de mayo and you can't talk in a movie. So we decided to do of course dinner and a movie. Great, what movie? The Avengers, okay. I text him a few days before telling him that its playing at the local drive in and that it would be cheaper and fun. No he wants to see it in 3D IMAX. Okay Men and their IMAX, no worries.

First flag or I should have listened to the flag. The night before we go out he texts me saying do I mind if we just go to dinner, that he's a little short on funds. I said why don't I do this, I'll buy the movie tickets since I know you really want to see the movie, and dinner was my idea. He said no you don't have to, I said my treat. so I buy the tickets. damn $35!!! for two movie tickets but okay, he's paying for dinner. 

Day of the date. I drive over to his place, and he comes out. I ask him if he knows where we are going, he says no. So we go into his place as he gets the address, then we go back out. Wait where's your car, oh I thought you were driving, uhhh no remember we talked about you would drive since I was coming over here. He said oh yeah okay. Now don't think badly of me but I was expecting some really nice car, since this is the reason why he is always BROKE he says. He pulls out in this beat up old corolla that he keeps in the garage, but okay we're off. 

We get to the restaurant, we park, and we walk in. Well I should say he walks in front of me, doesn't open the door, and when the hostess goes to seat us, walks in front of me, sits down first etc. Now yes I know don't be so picky but it is the little things about dating that really touch me. So we're at dinner and they bring two different things of salsa and chips. Without even asking me he says well we can do without the green salsa since I don't like it. I was like uhh but I do. The waiter comes to take out order and just as I was about to tell him what I wanted, Date says yeah I'll have the..... am I wrong but isn't it proper etiquette to let the woman order first? It was little things like that of just manners. Then the check comes the waiter looks and me and says who gets the check tonight, making it a little awkward, but I point to the date. When the waiter leaves, I said well that was strange, date said well I thought we were splitting it. I was like huh? Then said well I guess we can okay. I put my card down and the waiter came to take it, but I stopped him and said can you put half and half on the cards. Date takes his card out, UHH WTHECK you want me to pay for this date or what? Checks come back and before I'm even done signing or figuring out the tip. I was like woooooo nelly. 

Back in the car, have to get to theater. Get to theater parking, park other side of mall. Walk to theater, oh wait walk behind him. Get to theater pick up tickets, Find seats right in front, cause theater is packed! Movie ends, use restroom, walk to car, drive home, I decided I was gonna go home instead of stay, tell him in house, date actually attempts to kiss me. I start to leave, date doesn't even walk me to my car, or wait till I am at my car before closing and locking door behind me. 

Now am I wrong or shouldn't a guy who was hoping to get into your panties be a little bit I don't know more outgoing. What is wrong with men these days and making sure the woman they are on a date with is safe. I don't get it really? 

Maybe I really am old fashioned, maybe I am expecting to much I don't know. What I do know is that it for some reason I am always surprised at men when on a date, sometimes good, most of the time bad. Awww the war wounds of dating.

Don't fall for a married one.

So about three weeks ago I met a guy we'll call him Volt. Anyhow Volt and I met for drinks and had a great time that evening. We meet a few more times happy hour, movie, etc. We ended up sleeping together, the catch is he's married. But they have an open marriage. The thing is even if someone has an open marriage it doesn't meant that you can fall for them. *sighs* I realized earlier this week that I was falling for him, so last night I cut it off. *big frown* I really enjoyed spending time with him, but you can't fall for the married ones!! So now here I am sitting here sad over a married man whom it wasn't going to go anywhere with, and wishing that he would email or text asking why, at the same time knowing he won't. *sigh* Stay strong S, don't email him.

I haven't updated on the 50/50 challenge in awhile and have lost count! Let's see the last few books I've read were Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,  The Awakening and a few others, I'll have to go back and see where I left off on the books. Movies dang I think I lost track there also, but I've seen a lot since I last updated, I'll have to go do that today. 

So here I am a little depressed at so many things, money, volt, my house being dirty, not going to bootcamp this morning, just being depressed. *sighs* alas some of it I can change and should get up and do, it'll make me feel better. 

I give up! I'm running away.

I’m going to run away from life for awhile. I give up on dating, on men, on life at the moment. I want to curl up in a fetal position and just cry.

Alas this pesky thing called work won’t let me run away from life. I still have to get up each morning, smile, concentrate and actually produce work. It’s the end of our fiscal year so of course lots of overhead billing to clear up, files to close out and overall lots of stress. The owner will be here next week so closeout in a timely manner is vital.

But as soon as I’m off work I’m running away! Maybe I’ll go down to the water and watch the waves, let them wash over my mind and clear the confusion. Journal a little and forget about life for a bit.

The Past and his new wife had their baby yesterday morning, a beautiful little girl. As is normal for him, he decided to share the excitement via an email to me. WHY? Why can’t The Past leave the past in the well the past? Let me go, stop pulling me in and showing me what I don’t have. I already know that you’re happy, married, loved, and now a child. Why torture me constantly with it? I know your life is PERFECT so just get on with it. SHEESH!!

G decided that we rushed things too fast and that he wants us to go back to just being friends. What does just being friends look like? Its not like we were ever really “just” friends, there was always an underlying knowledge that it was moving forward in a romantic fashion. So what does just being friends look like? I’ve asked him this to no avail no response back. I feel so sad and lost, I finally let someone back in and I get stung. Is it worth letting the wall down and taking a chance anymore? Or is giving up just the best answer? G says that he’s following his gut this time and that his gut is telling him to not get back into a relationship with me, but to be friends. My friend Eric says maybe he needs to take a crap and release all that stuff in his gut so he realizes what he’s letting go. *frowns while giggling* I did ask G this morning what if you gut is wrong? He said “than my gut is wrong. I missed out on a great woman. But at least I followed my gut for once instead of what I am being told is what I want.” It really sucks because he’s been hurt in the passed also and now I am reaping the effects of that.

Can I just run away now? Give up, give in and just give it over. Just run away from life and people.

I wanna be all in.

I want a relationship were its not just 100% all of me in but 110% of the man in also.

Dating G even if just for 2 weeks made me realize how much I missed being in a relationship. I miss sending him my daily photo, I miss his good morning text, or his good nite call. I miss making plans to do things, and sharing my day or hearing about his. I miss laughing and smiling and knowing someone out there cares about me. I miss having a BF, I want to be all in. I want a man who won't let me go the first time a fear creeps up, a man who says S are you just finding reasons to have the relationship end because you're scared?

I want to be able to say I wanna be all in, I wanna give it my 110%. I want a partner, mate, significant other. My hero that's what I want.

Done moving on NEXT!!

So this week I have apologized more to G than I have ever done in my life. I have asked to see him, attempted to be patient, and wait to see what he's going to decide, but after this afternoon I realize its really worthless. He's so wrapped up in his life and the drama that's in it that he doesn't have time for me or us. So I'm cutting myself off. It's going to be hard, but if he really wanted me he wouldn't be so willing to push me away, and he would feel that we are important to try and work things out.

Last night I sent him racy photos of myself, hoping that would entice a response, no. I've been nice, friendly sending little jokes, texts etc. But I only get a response every few texts these days, not like before. The final straw for me was that I won free tickets to a movie premier of American Reunion for tonight. Before the big fight on Monday we were suppose to be going to dinner tonight. Now he tells me that he has to go to Costco, the bank, etc. So I give up. Really. I do, I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to bash my head in because I know that its my fault. At the same time I want to scream at him and say REALLY? REALLY, you're going to punish me for having fears and confusion? I'm still the amazing me, I just showed a flaw, if I can accept and still be with you for yours why can't you for mine?

OH I know why...because he's not the one, and as much as I keep trying to fix this, its just being more and more disrespectful on his part each day for allowing it to go on.

I read something today that I had written awhile ago from one of the PAX seminars. It was talking about women and survival. Re-reading it hit a cord with me. It said we survive by being connected. When we feel connected we feel safe. When there's distance we're scared. Its scary to us. That's me BIG TIME from the fricken between G and I Monday. I don't like feeling disconnected, because it creates a distant between us and makes me scared.

I've learned a lot about myself and acknowledged my part in this all, but G hasn't and that hurts. So NEXT. That's all NEXT!!
NEXT!!!

Is it really just a country love song?

Lately I’ve realized that I haven't really listened to the radio that much while in the car. I’ve been listening to Adele’s CD a lot or talk radio. So today on the way to lunch I decided to turn my favorite country station on, a new song came on by Lee Brice “A woman like you” The song was so sweet and made me feel so much worse than I had already this morning.

Is there really a man out there that will look at me one day and be happy that he had met me and that I was in his life? Someone who would look for a woman like me if I wasn’t in his life? Someone that wakes up in the morning with a smile because he knows I’m his, and he’s lucky for having me in his life.

It’s so funny I can put what I’m seeking and want in a partner in country love songs, easier than I can in life. I just want my best friend, my lover, my hero, protector, maybe men like that are only found in songs these days.

I didn’t realize in such a short time how much I liked being in a relationship. How comfortable I had gotten with getting a good morning text from him, which would brighten my morning. Making plans for things to do in the near future, talking to him before we’d lay down to sleep, having someone excited to see me, someone to make dinner for, someone to call my own, a BF.

Nutterbutter keeps telling me to just give G space and let him go to the well to think. I’m trying I really am and I know that is what he needs. But I feel so out of sorts and so in limbo like am I in a relationship with him or not? A part of me really doesn’t understand why it can’t go back to the way it was, the other part already senses and knows that it will never be the same again, ever again. G will never see me as he did on Sunday again, never been charmed and enchanted with me. All because I allowed my fears over react and spoke honestly about them.

Is the man I dream of only to be found in a country love song?

Push Pull, Push Pull, Push Pull

I guess if you put someone on an emotional rollercoaster and push them away so many times expecting them to pull you back in they put their walls up and decide it’s not worth it. That’s what I did with G yesterday. My fear of being a secret again, of not being respected, or loved, or whatever came out full force and I unleashed all of it on him. When I realized what I had done and was trying to rectify the situation it was too late. So the magnitude of who and what I am ruins something magical once again. When will I ever realize that my fears can be comforted without having to be unleashed in order to do it?

Today I woke up wondering where we stood, to find out or realize that I really did mess things up. Here I am once again in this feeling of panic and abandonment and chasing something that I shouldn’t be chasing, because if he really cared or if he really wanted me in my mind he would help me to get through the fear. In my mind he’d be contacting me wanting to work things through, not the other way around. In my mind he’d be saying that it was a bump in the relationship, and that we can get past this, to talk it out, instead of this is too much. *sighs* I told myself no crying today, but the tears have already blustered in my eyes, and my soul.

The problem I’m realizing as a friend of mine HALF way across the world pointed out is that I am always moving forward. So for me to step back into the no relationship with G, the no intimacy, the just being friends, and dating thing again, I don’t know if I can do that, I don’t know if I can take that step backwards. Because my focus is always on moving forward and not looking back at the past and the what if’s of it anymore. I stared at that closed door way to long with The Past before I felt the breeze of the window. I realize that although logically I thought that I could just be friends with him for the two months till he got his stuff together, that I started to feel as though I was in it but I wasn’t. It was like I had one foot in the BF/GF relationship and one foot being single; I didn’t feel like it was fair. I wanted to be wanted, to not be let go, I felt like he was giving up to easily.

I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m still pushing away, but now I feel like I’m pulling him back also, because I’m so scared of letting go, yet not sure if I shouldn’t. Its like just make up your mind are we together or not? Let us move on from this, or let me go to move on with my life. It’s a libo of sorts, that the push pull results in.

One day he'll come along and I'll be gone.

You have bottom lines for a reason, and when you don’t follow them something always creeps up to make you wonder if that is why you have the bottom line in the first place.

I told G that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him right now, and its funny a part of me really wanted him to fight and tell me not so fast sweetheart. But alas like every other man in my life it didn’t happen. Maybe I have to high of standards, or maybe as M once told me I really am looking for the Cinderella story.

I don’t think it’s a lot to want to be out and public about your relationship, or that you want your man to be proud of you, to want to say to the world this is my woman. To not be a secret, to want him to say this is my woman and don’t you dare hurt her. G is still married, they are separated, have been for 6 months but they haven’t filed for the divorce due to money. I could handle it if that was the only thing, but its not, they still share things together, don’t get me wrong I am very open and understanding that they will always be connected because they have twin boys together. That’s not what I am fretting about, its that she is still on his Facebook, that she still texts him to have dinner with them, that she manipulates him into spending time with her when she has the boys, its little jabs she makes towards him, and him not standing up to her. It’s him keeping me a secret, its feeling like I’m the mistress and that’s not a good feeling. I felt that way for way to long with (the past), not again.

So I really hoped when I expressed my feelings today that things would have been different but they were as they always are, okay I understand, and I’m sorry I don’t want to put you through this. At first we had decided that we would not be in a relationship that we would date for the next few months, until he felt he could tell her that he was in a relationship. I thought I was okay with that, there would be no sex, no connection, etc. It would just be dating; I thought I could handle that. But when I left the conversation and thought about it, I realized that things had already changed for me. The fact that he was so willing to let me walk out the door made me realize that he isn’t the one. I’ve told him my fears, I’ve told him my wants, I’ve hoped that this time was different, but it just wasn’t and its okay, life goes on.

It’s a bottom line for a reason, no drugs, no married men, follow the guidelines/ the rules and you won’t put yourself in a situation to be hurt or question your self and your feelings, for one day he’ll come back and I’ll be gone. For the true one would stand up and block the door before he let me go. The true one will pull me back and say you’re mine. The true one will announce it to the world, this is my girl and she’s mine. One day when he decides he’s the one and watch I’ll be gone.

I lost the fight, but won the war!!

I GOT SICK!!! Ugh being around G's little boys with their colds last weekend I came down with a really bad cold. Took me out for the past six days, I finally went to the doctor on Friday. They ran a test for strep throat, and told me that my tonsils seemed to be growing back. I was like WHAT? I had them removed 25 years ago. I thought it was the strangest thing when the doc said it but then I researched it and I guess its happened before. Who would have thounk it!

So it was St. Patty's weekend. G and I had dinner with Nutterbutter and her man. It was fun. Although the whole point was to try corned beef and cabbage, but by the time we got to the restaurant they were sold out. *waaa* It was a fun evening but with my cold and the weather it had a bit of a damper on it.

I so dislike being sick, it was even worse having a BF. You'd think it would have been better being in a relationship, but really men don't make the best care takers. G as much as I care about him and like him, he didn't really seem to take care of me as well as I would have liked or wanted. Feeling a little strange about my realtionship at the moment, not sure what I'm feeling. But it is testing my skills, patience, and tools.

So I lost the fight with this cold, but ultimately won the war, because I am getting better!!

What constitutes cheating?

Have you ever really thought to yourself what constitutes cheating to you? Everyone has different views on cheating, to some sex with another partner is just that sex, some dinner is cheating, it’s different for everyone.

So this morning on the radio the Jockey was talking about this list of things that people have considered cheating. They talked about from a peck on the lips, to dinner out with the opposite sex, to sexting, dirty dancing at a club. It got me to thinking I wonder what G (the new man in my life) considers cheating. After all everyone has different views on cheating, intercourse could be acceptable to some where as a peck on the lips is a full on break of trust and confidence.

So I decided to ask G and this is what he said *smiles* “I look at cheating as emotionally or physically sharing yourself with someone other than your partner and keeping it from them.” I thought I had fainted and gone to heaven for a moment there. Did he really just say that? It was amazing that we both looked at cheating the same way.

Don’t get me wrong we do plan on having amazing sexual adventures in our relationship, but we’ll be doing them together and always open and honest about the situations. And I am sure there maybe a time or two that miscommunication happens, but for the most part it’s so different to be in a relationship where you’re both on the same side of the path and look at things very similarly.

It’s a different sort of relationship this one. It feels solid and strong; I’m really excited to see where it goes. At least you know we won’t be cheating on each other. *smiles*