Should I write a book?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my dating experiences the past 7+ years. I do ALOT of online dating, and have learned ALOT along the way, recently I have been realizing that I should write a book about the crazy situations, the men, the women, and the things to look out for when dating online.

Thoughts?

A day to be thankful!

So its Thanksgiving day and I thought I would write something about being grateful. Right now I am grateful to be alive!

Tuesday afternoon while doing a bid run for work I was attacked by an upset competitor. For some reason he decided that I was the one to blame and followed me to my car, at which time he grabbed me from behind and threw me to the ground. Bashed my head into the ground, and beat me until the parking lot attendant pulled him off me. I am lucky that in all of it, I am only left with bruises, scrapes, a small concussion, and terrible dreams/nightmares. I spent the night in the hospital and so grateful to be out, home and able to spend the holiday with friends later.

I'm grateful to be alive, I'm grateful for a job that I adore, friends in my life whom I cherish and a family that is wacko but alive and living life. I miss my mum and dad today, as they celebrate the holiday in the middle east. *sighs* I can't wait to spend time with them at Christmas.

What a wonderful day it is just to say I'm alive and thankful for all that have a presence in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

So this book I'm reading.

This book I have been reading off and on for the past year about healing and the differences between how men and women heal.

So this book has suggested that I just date to have fun. Date men that I wouldn't normally date, those that I am not sexually attracted to after all I won't be having sex with them. Just date, don't be so picky, just have fun after all they aren't my soul mate and that through it all I will heal my broken heart. The trick though is to date at least 3 men at the same time so that I don't get attached.

That's all great in words and thoughts but how the hell do I get 3 men interested in me enough to want to date me when I can't even get 1 to take me out?

I know let things go just enjoy life have fun. *sighs* so okay just DATE!!!

Do they laugh at your jokes?

Does the one you're with laugh at your jokes? No matter how corny, stupid, forget the punch line joke does the one that you're with laugh at them? That's friendship, that's love.

I've been trying to figure out the past few days what it is about Yumminess that makes my heart beat faster, what brings a smile to my face. Tonight I realized he laughs at my jokes. Its that simple. We have a friendship first, sure it needed to be worked on and made stronger but overall it was a friendship first.

He laughed at my jokes, no matter how corny, out there or me they were. He laughed at them!

How do you let go?

What do you do when you want to let go, walk away, give up yet you don't know how to? That's the recent issue I realize I am facing with Yumminess.

Today the sign was really hard and strong and I realized that nothing is going to change Yummines "can't/won't" isn't going to change tomorrow, this weekend, next week or maybe even next month. He's not in the same place as I am or need him to be and My compromising level has pretty much hit rock bottom, can't go much lower than having no leverage to compromise on.

I can't fault him for being honest and knowing he's not in the same place as me. I can't, am I sad about it? Sure? do I wish things were different yes? But they aren't they are the exact same as they where yesterday, last week, 6 months ago and no matter how much I may care about him, wait, wish, pray or hope its not going to change.

Just as I can't change the needs that I have or the wants from this relationship. We are just not in the same place and who knows if we ever really will be.

They say goes if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be. All night I have been asking myself but what if you don't know how to let it free? What if you want to with all your might but you just don't know how to?

I know that it is going to be a difficult process to let go of Yumminess, there are going to be very real moments when I am going to want to reach out, there are going to be Sad/lonely moments when I am going to want to text or email or something. But I have to be strong and Not, I have to know that the best thing is to cut all ties and to really in my heart hope that one day he finds whatever it is that he needs.

Healing and moving on it feels like I was just here. One day I'll look back and smile with fondness for a time in my life when Yumminess made my face light up with a smile and my heart jump just a little. One day that will be true, once the healing is done.

Drained

I'm so drained tonight. Yumminess and I are yet again trying to figure things out. So why is it that I feel like the entire world is closing in on me again? that I am losing a grip on myself and my own sanity? Is it because I haven't gone to a meeting in 2 weeks? Is it that I really don't want to do anything again? That being in his arms today truly made me just want to be there forever....that it was safe. So why do I feel the tears coming on tonight?

Why do I feel as though its a good bye? A thought I can't seem to push out of my mind. *sighs*

Self Sabatoge

So I have an issue in life its called self sabotage due to my fear of abandonment. So what do I do? I do this push away thing, strange huh? I have always done it, I know it has to do with my biological father leaving us when I was younger. Don't get me wrong my daddy raised us and loved us as though we were his own, you'd never know otherwise, but that feeling of rejection from such a young age is still there.

You'd think since I know that I have this flaw, issue, whatever you want to call it that I would be able to control it. But nope, my low self esteem feeds into it. So although I may care about someone very deeply, and want to be with them I tend to do things to piss them off to push them away so that they will leave me so that when they do I can say "SEE, I told you I wasn't worth it". I'd love to meet someone that thinks I am worthy enough to take that chance on me, to fight to keep me, to yell from the top of the mountain that I am his and that he loves me.

I'm trying very strongly to not do this with Yumminess but I see it happening. Dinner with his daughter was yet again canceled due to his and her fears. Seems like a constant issue and seems as though my life with this man is just a soap opera, don't I see enough of those on TV?

Healthy boundaries

So I have been working on those healthy boundaries in my life for the past few years. I'm able to usually do it pretty easily these days, but those that you think would be the easiest seem to be the hardest. I thought setting boundaries with my mum was hard but lately setting healthy boundaries for yummy and myself has been really difficult.

Yumminess and I are friends! So why do we have this need to meet in private? or kiss, hold each other, etc.? This isn't healthy and makes me feel a bit used. So today we are suppose to see each other and talk, tomorrow we will be having dinner with his daughter, but today is to talk somethings out in person. As email, IM and text is not a healthy way of communicating these things.

Yumminess asked me last night if I could get off work early and I actually thought about it and was excited, but than I started thinking about it and realized that it was really a healthy thing for me financially, mentally or physically. So I decided that I wasn't willing to do that, furthermore that I felt that we should meet in public somewhere, such as Starbucks.

Yumminess wants the pawning, stroking, physical connection when he needs that but emotionally that only confuses me and leaves me feeling used. So if I am going to be there as a friend for him and his daughter I realized I am going to have to be strong and not allow ourselves to be put into those intimate situations. If I don't allow the intimacy than I really can't have any expectations. After all as he has so eloquently reminded me time and time again that I need to accept him for whom he is and that I am not his GF, fiance or wife. These are all true statements and I have realized that I need to protect myself emotionally and this really is the healthiest way I know how to do it.

Why is it those that mean the most seem to hurt you the deepest?

BLAME

Blame is a funny thing if you think about it. People blame each other all the time for different things, Wars starting, car crashes, even a simple wrong sandwich ordered. But the most common blame is that of emotions, people blame others for how they act, feel or say. If you take a step back though and realize that NO one has control over you than really who is there to blame but yourself?

You allow others actions to upset you. If someone says they are going to call and they don’t you have to get past the negative thoughts that it’s something about you and realize that REALLY it’s about that person who didn’t call. That is really on them, it’s their value of character and word not a reflection on if you are a good person or not.

When I was married I remember knowing in my gut that he had a mistress but I couldn’t prove it. I just knew it. I remember asking him one time to just be honest with me. To which he threw it back in my face blaming me for driving him to another woman. I thought really?

Blame is a really tricky thing in relationships. Whether it be romantic, family or friends. As humans we all tend to blame someone else for our upsets, What if for just a moment we took a step back and said NO I’m not going to allow what you’re doing to affect me? Would we be stronger, healthier people? Or would we just be denying our truths?

Attention Needed!

This weekend was really hard emotionally on me. I really wanted some attention from a man, I'm not talking about sexually I'm talking about spending time with a man and just doing something together. I enjoy my girlies and no I am not bored so much as I just want someone to flirt with me, spend time with me and just make me feel special. I miss Yumminess and wish that we were in a spot that we both could just be with each other and live life together. The good, the bad and the awesome!

Even though I met someone new the other day my heart and thoughts are still longing strongly for Yumminess. *sighs* and I am trying to just walk away as I am obviously not who he wants in his life, he doesn't respect me even as a person and that is hard to swallow. But it is what it is.

I met a man last night and I kinda like it.

So I ventured out last night to meet someone new. Its been awhile and I thought okay let's just give this a chance, after all I need a distraction from everything going on with yumminess. We meet for tea and hot coco in Del Mar and talked for hours. We actually have some friends in common and that was interesting to find out and chat about. It was such an interesting talk and refreshing that I am really excited to see him again.

He walked me to my car, kissed me good night and sent me on my way. It was just the right kind of ending to a wonderful night. Today he sent a few texts today and that was sweet. One moment, day at a time. We will see. *smiles*

Meeting the new guy (let's call him Stallion, not that I know if he is or not, but its a bit of an inside joke.) and the attention that he has bestowed on me the past week has really made me think a lot about Yumminess and how I'm still not being respected with the simplest things. Yumminess is sick with a really bad cold, yesterday I texted asking how he was feeling he said crappy was going to sleep and would ping me when he got up. Yet nothing all day or evening. Today I texted asking how he was feeling and nothing back. I finally sent a text saying I was concerned and I got back sorry I was sleeping. It just makes me realize that I am not on his mind and that he's not thinking when he gets up ya know I might want to let S know so that she's not worrying. *sighs* It just reminds me over and over that the little things really do matter.

But I met a man!! *giggles* and I kinda like it!

Pet Peeves...Distractions...and those little things ya put off.

I realize as I get older that I have more and more little pet peeves. Before I thought I really only had a few like making sure the shower curtain is always closed, or young kids in an inappropriate movie, guacamole in a burrito when I specifically said NONE. Those are really just a few, but as I have gotten older I have realized a lot more things bother me like people who RSVP yes to an event and don't show up, people who say I'll call you RIGHT back and than really don't, Bad food service, stupid drivers, closed minded people, and the worse is when you get in someones car and there is trash all over the seat and floor....grrrr (that reminds me I need to clean my car out). As I was growing up I noticed my parents especially my mom having similar upsets and I thought it was embarrassing, but I have realized as I have gotten older that what it really is, is not being able to stand disrespect.

So I am trying to mentally take a step back and just not allow these things to upset me. To seriously remind myself that I am powerless over these issues. Its not like I can change the closed minded person they have to do it them selves. Its not like I can make a stupid driver driver better, or make that person call me back right away and keep their word. So instead of allowing these things to get me upset I am working towards just accepting it as it is. and so it is.

So sometimes in life I realize that ya need distractions, especially when it comes to romantic heartaches. So Yumminess and I are talking again and I am realizing that if I am going to be his friend I have to stop having expectations. My GF K, said that to me yesterday and I thought ya know you're absolutely right. Its not like I have expectations of my other guy friends, or maybe I do. I don't know, but I am really going to try and be okay if he doesn't meet my expectations especially since we are only friends. But how do you do that when you know that you are more than friends, its not like when I see my friends O'side or B the teacher that I have this overwhelming want to kiss them, nope that only happens with yumminess. So I need a distraction, to distract my from that heart ache of wanting to be with yumminess. I am working on this, I've recently been talking to a new guy so we will see where that goes, if anything maybe a good distraction. *smiles*

I use to be all about having a CLEAN house, Car and hair. I have realized over the last year that although I keep a clean house, car and hair, that its not as front and center as in my past. That I will put cleaning off myself till I can't stand it anymore, cleaning my car till I'm really embarrassed (most of the time its just cluttered) or not wash my hair every day. I've become LAZY!!! Like today I should be cleaning my house and here I am writing a blog, I was sick last weekend so my house really is a mess and tomorrow is the girlie book club night and I really do need my house to be clean!!! But I am putting it off....grrrr...and don't get me started on laundry, I will literally put that off till I am out of panties and even than sometimes I consider going and buying more panties instead of doing laundry. Those little things ya put off!!!

Maybe these are all about getting older, or maybe its how you evolve as you get older, or maybe its just becoming more aware of what you do, how you react, or even worse treat others as you get older. Whatever the reason, I am defiantly more aware of my pet peeves, distractions and little things I put off.

Sometimes Fate tells you its time to step back.

That’s what it has done with Yumminess and I. If I think about it I don’t know if we ever were going to be an US. Over the past 5 years that has always been one thing or another. Just when we both saw progress and thought that things might be progressing, Fate decides to throw a curve ball of his little girl being very sick.

Yumminess finally communicated with me via email of what is going on with his little girl. She has a hole in heart which would be okay he said but they are going to fix that as they have to go in and do open heart surgery due to a main artery in her heart being in the wrong place causing her heart to work harder and grow larger. It’s a terrible thing I can’t imagine any little girl, child, adult for that matter having to go through this. So I understand that he needs to focus on her recovery. Its just a shame that it is happening at all.

The memories are sending me into a bit of a spin due to my own daughters heart issues 15 years ago. The lack of communication from Yumminess reminded me of the lack of information the Doctors and Nurses could tell me. Still to this day I can’t explain what happened beyond her heart wasn’t right. *sighs*

So it is the end of Yumminess and I as an US. It is the end of what might have been and I suppose the end of a dream/fantasy I have held on to for so long. I have to respect him and his decision to take care of his own mental well being and his little girls recovery. Its just difficult to let go.

I know I have to as my basic needs as a friend aren’t being meet let alone those of someone more. I have to step out for my own well being to be able to be healthy and happy where ever I land.

*shaking fists* Fate you really do have a way of pulling the rug out from under me.

Isn't caring just GRAND?

Rejection and abandonment is what I am feeling the most right now when it comes to thoughts of Yumminess. The sad thing is that I know he is going through A LOT right now but I still feel this overwhelming feeling of being rejected. I don’t like it because it also makes me feel very selfish, which I don’t think I am. I just would like to know what is going on with his daughter and how I can help him, at the same time I realize that this is a bit of my program not working well, so I am trying to reel myself in.

I don’t know what to do or think, a part of me really wants to just throw my hands up and say okay enough the other part is like whoooooo hold your horses, his little girl is really sick and he might need you. What I don’t know how to figure out is if this need is my need to be co-dependent and help someone or if it is genuinely true. *sighs* The brain really does screw with ya sometimes, or is that your emotions?

I have friends on both sides of this gate who both make valid points. One who is male and has 2 young girls himself, says just to be there for Yumminess, that words are needed. Another friend a female with 2 children of her own, asks me how long are you willing to be in the background of his life? How long are you willing to wait? And to be honest I don’t know. I mean I am 37, 38 in a little over 7 months and I really would like to have children. If I think about it I realize that realistically that Yumminess and I probably won’t even be anywhere close to thinking about that for at least 2 years, so I will close to 40. Do I wait and hope that, that is what happens? Or do I cut the cord with Yumminess and move on romantically? I don’t know, I really don’t, or I don’t know how to might be more the truth.

A totally different side of things is my High Power, guides and spirits seem to be either fighting with each other or I am reading things totally wrong. My ex GF and I were talking last night she knows all about Yumminess as we were together when I first met Yumminess. I told her the situation and she responded back with doesn’t he realize that you are suppose to be in his life, to help him through this? She is very in tune with her psychic side and I tend to go to her a lot on some issues. At the same time I am truly wondering what my Higher Power has in store for me, as yesterday could have totally been different if he would have stepped in.

*sighs* So Yumminess has asked me to step back not for good he says but at least for today so he can deal with things. AWESOME!! So I get to go YET another day not knowing what is going on, and yet another evening or restless sleep…Isn’t caring about someone GRAND?

No Lunch Today.

After a little over 5 years I was suppose to meet Yumminesses little girl today at lunch. We had it all planned out, going to take her to her favorite resturant, The Olive Garden, I bought her a little gift. I was really excited and nervous about the entire thing, excited because this would be a HUGE step in our relationship moving forward, nervous about it not happening. Sure enough it didn’t, maybe our Higher Power doesn’t really see us as being together I don’t know. Whatever it is we didn’t have lunch today.

Now before you go getting your feathers in a ruffle there was good reasoning, they found out today that his little girl is going to need heart surgery. I don’t know the details but I do know that she has been a sick little girl for about 6 months. It’s been really hard on him and I understand this. So he will really need to focus his attention on his little girl and take care of himself. It was a fear of mine when he told me that they found out she had an enlarged heart, but attempting to push my Fear away as Fear being F-orget E-verything A-nd R-egress I held onto the positive and hoped that my Higher Power would see to it allow us to move forward together. Wishful thinking.

I know that this is really all out of my hands…that I have absolutely NO control over this, but trust me it is difficult, to know the man that you really care about is going through a fight for his little girls life and he won’t let you in to help. *sighs* and so it is.

this and that.

Life has been interesting my dear Blog. I know you have missed me, I have missed you also. My mind thinks of things to tell you and than I don't get the time to write to you. YES, its an excuse but I'm sticking to it! *smiles*

So life is pretty good. Spent a wonderful week in Washington State with family, laughed with aunties, meet my brothers new GF and saw my niece being cooked *GF is pregnant*. It was a nice time and I used my tools greatly.

Work is okay, we are getting slow again. But it is still enjoyable to be at work and that is always a plus.

I want a baby. I know you're probably thinking WHAT? Yep I want 4 babies. Is that even possible? I so want a baby, after seeing my cousins babies and my brother expecting, I realized how badly I want a child!! Yummy and I are working slowly on what will make us extraordinary together, slowly but surely. I'll be meeting Yumminess little on Tuesday, after 5 years I'll finally be meeting little. That to me is a HUGE step and something that I think is hopefully bringing us closer.

So that's the jist of things my dear friend, I have missed you and I promise I won't be such a stranger.

What do you do....

What do you do when you find out the one that had your heart for so long has gotten married? Yes The Past is now married, I’m actually handling that a lot better than I handled finding out about the engagement last month.

The situation makes me scratch my head a bit and wonder why the rush, and why he wasn’t willing to step up to his responsibilities for me and his son. But that was last year and a time for me to put behind me and remind myself that I have the best part of him.

So it’s The Past’s birthday and I suppose its fitting that I find this all out today.

So how do you handle knowing that something that was so important to you in the past is now forever gone from your life?

Distraction needed!

I read a quote the other day " Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so baldy to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." What if you believe the right one has come along but they aren't in the same place as you?

Yes I'm referring to Yumminess. I have also realized that I want someone in my life that realizes that I'm impatience and a little insecure, that I make mistakes. That I can be out of control at times and hard to handle. But if they are willing to be with me at my worst, than they will defiantly reap me at my best. Yumminess might realize all this, but he's not in a space right now that he's willing to chase after me or show his feelings, and you know what that's okay. At least that is what my head is telling me I am suppose to say and feel.

I realize I need a distraction romantically in my life, but I don't want something that is just about sex. I want a genuine FRIEND!!! to hang out with and than have sex...*giggles*...my good friend E and I hang out all the time I just wish I was attracted to him that way it would be the best arrangement, but I'm not. *frowns* So I need to find an E that I am attracted to and not get emotionally involved. Is that possible?

I believe together we could be extraordinary.

I believe that together Yumminess and I can be extraordinary rather than ordinary part, but unfortunately for us both be doesn't feel that way. According to him at least not right now. *sighs*

life is to short in my opinion to be wasting all this time waiting for what we both already feel and know. But it is what it is.

A part of me really wonders if I am ever going to have someone in my life that that thinks that's beautiful to me. I heard this song by Jaron and the long road to love, called "That's beautiful to me" and made me think will anyone ever think that way about me? *sighs*

loneliness

Loneliness seems to be overwhelming me at the moment. I'm not really sure why life is pretty good.

I've been really busy the past few months, work has picked up so I am back to working 5 days a week. This is nice because it keeps me on a schedule, out of the house and making money. The making money part helps to alleviate some of my worries, of having my bills paid.

I also started a woman's meetup group. Its been awesome and the past month it has just blown up. I'm pretty busy with the group, we have something going on every week. Between a monthly book discussion, game night and wine social, to outings to local monastery, brewery. spas, movie/brunch days. It's been a very positive and uplifting experience.

I celebrated a year in my program last month, it was strange because I was excited about having gotten to the one year mark at the same time mixed feelings, sort of to the point of not wanting to be there anymore. I'm just not happy in this part of my life for some reason. I feel like a lot of stress with the service work in my program and just not sure how I wish to proceed.

So my life has been really busy with things but to be honest I'm lonely and sad. I know that no man or woman for that manner will complete me, although it would be nice to have someone special in my life.

I'm not sure if finding out that The Past proposed to his GF last month has put me into a really bad spin or if its genuine feelings.

I do know that I am really missing Yumminess and wishing things were different between us, but in reality I know that this is how our realtionship is going to be. A distance of chemistry, and that really makes me sad. Yumminess is the one that I want to tell everything to, the good, the bad and the future. I'm realizing though that, its not a two way street and so I am having to reel myself in. I'm also realizing that Yumminess really doesn't know me as well as I would like him to, and not sure that he wants to know me that well.

So my loneliness is overwhelming at the moment, I would like someone special in my life. Someone that wants to romance me....but I am doubting that it will happen anytime soon.

GRRRRRRR I really want to Scream!!!

I don't know why but I have this over whelming want to SCREAM, Punch, or just hurt someone. I'm not happy. I'm irritated by almost everyone in my life and I can seriously find a reason to be upset at everyone else.

I was looking through my phone this evening trying to figure out which program friend I would feel comfortable with reaching out to and trying to get some of this anger and hurt off my chest to. When I realized there isn't anyone, because they are the people that are annoying the crap out of me. For one reason or another I have allowed what others have said to me about their needs and feelings effect me and have angered me. I don't know why, and I can't get past it.

Here it is another Wednesday night, program meeting night and I don't want to go!!! I don't I don't I don't!! *stomping feet like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum* I know I have to as my service work has till October, but I don't want to and that to me is a shame.

It just feels as though everyone in my life is moving on in some capacity and mostly relationship wise. My friends are either meeting and getting into relationships or getting married and I feel like I'm in this sinking sand of nothingness.

The overwhelming want to be in a relationship to want someone to stand up and say NO SHE"S MINE! is so overwhelming painful at the moment. I don't know why I fool myself there has never been anyone that would do that for me. Its only found in movies and romance novels, giving young girls unrealistic thoughts of love.

I'm trying to be positive and understanding of yumminess and his need to heal and work on himself but the feeling of hopelessness and sadness as times is painful. I have this belief in my heart that he is the one for me and I feel that we could be something extraordinary together versus ordinary alone, if he just gave us a chance. *heavy sigh*

I'm just not happy and I know this! I just don't know how to pull myself out of that sinking sand of what is my life right now and feel sated and happy. I just GRRRRRR want to SCREAM!!!!

So I guess this is so long.

Ever realize how the word Good Bye seems so final. We try to shorten it with bye, but it still seems so FINAL, especially when you are walking away from a friendship or a relationship that once might have been. Good Bye just seems so ending of something, like at a funeral, you're burying it 6 feet under to never have it surface again.

Why don't people say talk to you later, see you later, or so long, those seem like there is at least a chance that you will talk again. Not the FINALNESS of Good bye. How about till next time, or on the flip side? *smiles* something more positive. There is so much finalness to life as it is, to say GOOD BYE just seems to be something we could control.

I suppose I am thinking a lot again. Realizing that time alone does that to me, taking the time to feel my feelings. To understand the reasoning behind the anger, the hurt, the tears. Sometimes I realize things pretty quickly, other times I have to realize them over and over and over before I truly realize the answer or solution.

I'm been thinking a lot about that song, make new friends but keep the old. Not sure why but its been in my mind a lot. Makes me wonder what type of friend I am.

I realized and learned many years ago when I was addicted to an online chat room, that those weren't really friends. Friends are those people you share yourself with physically, mentally, and emotionally. They are the people in real life that you go to the movies with, watch the waves of the ocean, hold their hand over a broken heart.

I suppose as I try to understand myself and those relationships around me, the more I define those relationships in my life and move away from those that are not healthy, or happy.

Does it make me sad? Sure, I remind myself though......that This too shall pass.....after all it's not a Good bye, but a so long for now.

Anger

It's funny in a strange way but until about a month ago I would have told you that I have never felt anger. I have been disappointed, hurt, upset, sad, but anger? NOPE never.

Then a few weeks back in was in my car and noticed that I was cuzzing some woman out for driving to slow. A woman who I have never met before and will never see again, I was allowing something as trivial as her driving upset me to the point that I cuzzed her out. I was in fact angry. I have been struggling with these feelings for a few weeks trying to understand them and trying to figure out where they are coming from.

It was around the time that my monthly visitor was visiting so I thought it was just my hormones, but I'm still feeling that way a few weeks later. Today while visiting with a program friend of mine whom I haven't seen in MONTHS. I told her about this and she explained to me how her therapist stated that in the past anger was masked by something else. That through working the program we learn to release those other feelings to deal with them and so now we are left with the rawness of it, ANGER!

That made sense, perfect sense. I have been masking my anger over the situation with yumminess the past month with disappointment. I have been blaming the situation on myself and what I can't do to make it change. I have been sad that I wasn't (in my mind) good enough, or enough of this. I have been masking it and holding it in, When in reality I am ANGRY!

I'm ANGRY at him for leading me on this time, for telling me things that he couldn't provide. I'm ANGRY at myself for believing him. I'm ANGRY for not trusting him, and him not trusting me. I'm ANGRY that I allow him to affect me this way. I'm ANGRY at how quickly I got enmeshed again. I'm ANGRY that I knew better and still allowed it to happen. I'm ANGRY that he doesn't seem to care or hurt as I am. I'm ANGRY at yumminess and that is where it lies.

Yes I know I shouldn't be blogging about him anymore and that I promised 30 days no contact, I thought though this realization of my ANGER need to be released and may actually help to makes some sense on my recent reactions or posts.

Anger can be a healthy thing is dealt with correctly, so instead of trying to keep it in, in a positive constructive way I am going to express it and hopefully learn from it.

Strangeness of emotions and mind.

I don't really have any feelings that I can point out at the moment. I have a lot of feelings that I can't really make sense of. Today seemed to be one of those days that I should have stayed in bed from the moment I woke up.

I was suppose to go to the Lilith Fair concert today, woke up to a text from my GF who was extremely sick and not going to make it. *shrugs* well that sucked and things happen. So I went about trying to find someone else to go with me, no one was interested. So yet again the curse of that venue wins out on my not attending a concert there. Last year in March I was suppose to see Rascal Flatts in concert there and the day of the concert "The Past" tells me that he's sick and can't make it. WHAT!!! You know how long I have waited to see Rascal Flatts? Well needless to say that I now blame that venue for its curse on me. *smiles*That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

So the concert the started the day off icky and it got worse from there. Is there a full moon out? I then got a phone call from the church that my program holds their meetings at informing us that we are probably going to have to change meeting nights. We've held our meetings on the same night and the same location for over 5 years and they're giving us a 2 week notice? UGH!!!!

So then I am now at work and it just seems like everything under the sun in regards to Labor Compliance could go wrong today. It was stressful and crazy. I got through most of the issues and was able to go home as normal.

Then Cruiser Man and I were suppose to meet for dinner and I don't know mis-communication or something but he later texted saying he had other plans. HUH? I don't know I suppose I am just sorta mixed emotions on that.

and my thoughts are floating to Yumminess a bit tonight. Just lack of understanding. Yes Manwhore..I know 30 days. I have to restart that process as I messed it up today.

So the strangeness in my head is probably coming out in the strangeness of this blog. Just the strangeness of my mind and emotions at the moment.

Smittenness

The beginning of feeling like you are in love. Being smitten that bite of first crazy love that makes everything in life seem possible. I'm giddy today.

NO I'm not in love nor am I looking to be there. I'm giddy with the idea that one day soon I will be again, that knowledge and knowing that it is going to be amazing makes me giggle in glee.

Independence Day!

Happy Birthday America!!

What a busy weekend I had. Such an amazing weekend, started with a fun bonfire. Met some awesome new people from a meet-up group that I just joined. Lots of laughter, ghost stories, and even some police action on a neighboring fire pit. It reminded me that life is really about people, laughs and good times. I'm glad I went.

Sat. I attended my first helping the homeless event. We went downtown and passed out hygiene packs, sandwiches and clothes. Not only did I meet some great people within the group but meeting those that we were helping was amazing. It reminded me how lucky I truly am in all that I have in my life and how grateful I am to be able to help those less fortunate. I'm looking forward to getting more involved in this group and hopefully be able to bring some sponsors on board. Its good work to be helping others and exactly what service work is all about.
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Last night I met a new member of my meet-up group as we enjoyed a few drinks then saw the Eclipse movie. What a let down, it was truly a teen angst movie. I am glad that I read the book series before watching the movies. Speaking of reading, I really believe that reading is my passion in life. I adore books and the places they take you, the knowledge and the vocabulary lessons you receive from reading.

Today was the nicest, America's birthday and a fun BBQ at a friends home, with even more friends there. Relaxing, enjoyable, lots of food and chatter. I am ever so grateful on this day of independence for my freedom. For being born in the grand old United States of America, for the right to bear arms, vote, say what I feel. The right to be not be controlled in what I think, say or do. Isn't amazing to be an American?

So as this day of Independence wraps down, I find myself reflecting back and realizing what an amazing year I have had. A year of heartache, tears, laughter, joy, and most of all GROWTH! I am not the same woman I was last year this time. Nope, today I am a stronger, livelier, vibrant woman who is headed for freedom of chains, sorrow and pain. I see the fireworks blasting as I break out of the thoughts of can not and what ifs to a new stronger free er ME!

Some hearts just get lucky sometimes.

I heard this song by Carrie Underwood today, it starts out with I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky, Always stumbling' around in circles, But I must have stumbled into something. The chorus says Some hearts They just get all the right breaks. Some hearts have the stars on their side. Some hearts, They just have it so easy. Some hearts just get lucky sometimes. Some hearts just get lucky, lucky sometimes.

It made me think today how I really have never been the kind you would call lucky in love. I've had moments of being blessed with love, but lucky? Never.

Seems like I stumble around in a maze with no out. I meet someone I give my heart, or sections of my heart and eventually I think I am heading towards that maze's out and its just another dead end.

I'm hoping one day I'll stumble on to something and a light will shine guiding me to that out.

The hike is not always easy.

I am starting to adore who I am and the ability to see where I am in my life, the struggles I have had and the path and issues I am still working on. This hike gets pretty tricky at times, but I have faith in my higher power to keep me safe. Sometimes the hike is flat and easy, I find myself thinking at those time aww this is nothing, then a hill occurs and I am reminded that I still have a lot to do. It's a wondrous hike.

I'm so proud of myself for being able to say NO to sex and dating. A certain someone from my past recently contacted me again on IM and his actions are so obvious that he wants sex that it is so easy to say No. I have made it clear that I am in a place of no sex and no dating. So I am proud of myself for being able to say NO!!!

Today is going to be a fun day.....I can't wait. Laundry (hey a girl needs clean clothes) and then biking at the beach with a GF. I am so excited!

Growing myself with love.

I'm peeeling!!!

As my sunburn starts to peel! I can't help but compare it to how my life is right now, as I peel back the layers in my life to figure myself out.

The initial burn to the skin, much like the initial pain of being hurt, realizing that that you need to get help.

Soothing the body with aloe, like the taking the first steps to a program, to the realization that the pain and sting of the burn can be relieved with knowledge.

The few days of moisturizing, trying to prevent the peeling. Like the opening of information, the first meeting, the first acceptance of being burnt and broken.

The peeling finally starts, you try to stop it with lotion, but in the end the peeling happens. Like opening your heart, mind and soul to accepting that you're broken and you're now peeling back the layers to get to the healthy part of yourself.

The peeling ends and a new skin (hopefully tanned) is exposed. Like a new you, healthier. A new you who has gone through the stages of re-birth.

So I'm peeling!!! And although it doesn't always look that pretty (I look like alien skin) it's necessary to what is going to be an amazing tan....and an amazing healthier ME!

I want a fairytale day.

So today was a weird day of sorts. I woke up this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and panic. I said goodbye to Yumminess, even sent him this long email. I felt the release of the anxiety and thought okay I can go through the day.

My oldest niece JM graduated today. You have to know a little about JM, she is my god daughter and when she was younger we were very close. When my ex husband and I divorced it tore at JM more than any of the kids. JM is my ex husband's niece by blood but I claim her and my other 3 nieces and 1 nephew by heart. I have always and will always be there for these 5 children regardless of my divorce of the family. Anyhow I was extremely happy for JM today, 2 years ago she went through a lot with her mom and her sexual preference that the once vivacious outgoing straight A student started failing and it looked as though she would never graduated. Last summer she pulled herself together and today she graduated in a class of 346 students.

Fairytale

I'm taking a break!

So the past few days I have had some very interesting email conversations with a person who has started to read my blog. Its funny to get emails with comments about my blog, how they relate to it and what they find out about me .I am enjoying that there are people reading my blog and relating to it so that is nice. I thought that it might change how I write but really I realized once I start writing it just flows.

So the conversations with this person and my reactions to some of the things that they have told me surprised me a bit. I felt all sorts of emotions and I had never even meet them. Emotions ranging from jealousy, to hurt, to laughing, to happiness. For some reason although I know mentally this person isn't right of me, that loneliness and that part of me that says maybe just maybe, was there. The more I am getting to know this person the more that the door for romance closes.

Last night we had a miss-communication/hurt feelings via text. I knew that they had been with 2 women over the past 2 days but came to find out that it was really 3 over 3 days. Now I know some men and women for that matter are probbably thinking "lucky dog" but to me I was thinking to myself...really? Why are you 1. telling me this when it seems as though you are trying to get me to go out with you and 2. why are you doing that to yourself when you say you want a relationship? You can't develop a relationship with someone if you are doing the deed with a harem of women. You really can't! Your focus is not on the right person. So I told them that we are sooooo not ever dating!!! I don't want to be a part of a harem. They replied back you're just NOW shutting the door?

This little text conversation and a few emails and discussions really had me thinking last night as I drifted off to sleep about my dating situation and I came to a decision as I woke this morning.

I'M TAKING A BREAK!!!

Yep! I'm taking a break from dating. I have turned off my profiles on all the dating sites, won't respond to any emails from them and won't be looking or placing ads on any other sites. I've realized that the past 6 months I have been focusing a bit to much on dating. That doesn't meant that I am not going to still learn about myself and about men, it just means that I'm not going to actively search or chase a man during my break. If a man asks me out in a proper way or attempts to court me then I may say yes, but I am not going to waste my time or energy chasing men anymore. Its not worth it.

So this morning I woke up and deleted everyman from my phone that I have been sexual with in the past and there are hopes of for the future and or a dating situation. I realized during my decision making last night that I tend to text the men in my life first and then it feels as though I am chasing them. So I deleted them all. I did keep a few that had at one time been lovers years ago but now we are strictly friends. Its funny two of the deleted already text ed me today...so now I have to decide do I re-add them or just leave it as is.

If you're asking yourself how long is this break? Well at first I thought I'm not going to put a time period on it...but then I realized NO I have to set a goal for myself to accomplish so that I don't fail tomorrow. So I decided 3 months. If I stumble well so be it, I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

But I realized that in order for me to truly concentrate on myself and my continued recovery I really need to be confident in myself and my life. So for the next 3 months I am going to concentrate on getting healthy outside, inside, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Focus on my passions and my goals. Complete myself without thinking about dating. Who knows that King might actually find me when I'm not looking.

Not the type of rockn in rollin I like!

Earthquakes!!! We've had 2 earthquakes in the past 3 days, that have shook the carpers out of my apartment. Earthquakes really were nothing that scared me, I grew up on the rose fault in the Clairemont area so earthquakes haven't ever really scared me. But the two in the past few days have concerned me to the fact that the big one is coming. So tonight I decided to think seriously about getting a earthquake kit together.

HOLY COW BALLS!!! Have you ever looked at all that you are suppose to put in a kit? I mean seriously you have to have a whole other room to store everything.

I totally understand the batteries, water, flashlight, canned food, etc. I even understand the light sticks, change of clothing and tent. But a a communication kit of pens, paper and stamps? Really is the post office going to be delivering mail? Are we going to be sitting ideally bye waiting to get a hand written communication? It better have some nice smelling perfume sprayed on it, that's all I have to say!

So checklist in hand, I start to think about what I need to get still. Extra batteries, a girl can never have to many of those....*smirks* A case of water, well shoot I drink water like crazy so I'll have to get a new case every week!!! I wonder if they are counting the need for chocolate in the list I mean they did list feminine sanitary products....that better include some sugar or the earthquake isn't the only thing you should be worrying about.

So I'm gonna have to move my bed out and put my earthquake kit in my bedroom, after all you can't be to prepared! Next time my bed rocks n rolls I hope its me with a hottie in there staying safe in other ways. * giggles*

Busy Busy Busy Weekend

WOW!!! What a weekend!

Started out with my best girlie M graduating from college!! I am so proud of her and glad she is done! It's been a long few years and lots of nights of babysitting the little sunshine, my goddaughter. I've enjoyed it tremendously and will miss the alone time with the sunshine.

Then two days of booth time @ the fair. With this afternoon spent with my good friend T at the fair. We saw the hypnotist show and laughed our butts off. A friend of mine was actually in the show and it was so funny! *Who's your daddy!* It was a wonderful day at the fair, food, friends, fun and SUN!!! It was overcast and I really didn't think I was getting sun burnt, but that is when you really are likely to get burnt.

I'll be there again next Sunday for a few hours, then my booth time and obligation is UP, for this year!! YEAH!!! I'm exhausted and need a time out for S, some pampering time would be nice. *sighs* I enjoyed the morning alone walking around the garden area, took some photos always my favorite part of the fair but a part I have to enjoy alone. Well besides the greasy yummy food! I've seriously thought about the fried butter....do I dare try it next weekend?



Today was a wonderful day of fun! I needed that!


On other news front, I found out today that my parents home in Ramona fell out of escrow on Friday, well actually the buyers pulled out for some reason. So we could focus on the negative that the house is back on the market and we could of had more time to sell everything. Or we could look at the positive and see that everything is done at the house and its now ready to be sold and the new owners (whoever that maybe) to move in. So it was a busy weekend...and lots of news.

So heart attack cafe you're going to have to wait until next week...I might actually visit you! *smiles*

Stop talking to them as though they are Hairy Women!

As I mentioned the other day I went to a workshop called understanding men. I was a bit apprehensive about going thinking it might be some men haters/bashing seminar, which would result in me walking out. I can't stand negativity in my life. To my surprise though it was very positive and I learned a lot in just the 3 hours of the seminar. Of course the free seminar was just a teaser to get you to take the weekend seminar. (It's a chuck of money but I hope to be able to take it one day)

So the seminar talked about how men and women communicate, as we all know men and women are very very different. There are tons of books out that explain this. The seminar put it in the simplest terms ever, as women we talk to men as though they are HAIRY women. We expect men to understand and communicate as we do just they are hairier. It was a revelation to me and I have since been able to adjust myself when talking to a man.

As women when we talk to me, especially those that we are romantic with we tend to thing that everything they are saying has to do with us. For example a man and a woman can be talking and the man says I think it might be a good summer to do some camping. A woman interrupts it as Oh he wants to take me camping this summer. Or a man may say Rascal Flatts is coming to town this fall. A woman thinks oh he wants to keep dating me till the fall and go see Rascal Flatts. Then the summer comes and goes the fall comes and goes and no camping no Rascal Flatts, the woman is disappointed and it starts a fight and possibly a breakup. What a woman has to understand is that is men talking, just them talking, as a woman we have to understand this and allow men to talk with out it being plans set in stone. When a man is wanting to do something he will extend an invitation. An extended invitation has a time, event and place. That is when you know that there is an invitation.

Stop talking to them like hairy women then you might actually be able to hear what the man is saying.

Who say's she's not doing some guy back there?

That's the conversation I had with a male friend of mine who is in the military and going through some marital issues. I made a slip with him in the past and slept with him when there was total miscommunication on his marital status, ever since then he's been trying to get me to do it again. But I am sticking to my guns and not even attempting to put my foot in that pool again.

So is this really a man's perspective? That she MIGHT be doing some guy back home, so on the off chance that she is, he has every right to mess around? Have you not heard of MARRIAGE vows? If you don't want to be married anymore then get a divorce and or make an agreement that you're going to have an open relationship. END OF STORY!

As much as I like this guy as a friend and could see myself possibly dating him, I don't see a long term relationship with him so why would I waste my time in the pool? For fun you say? How is getting attached to someone that you know from the beginning is NOT looking for the same things as yourself and is only out for one thing...the NOOKIE!

I asked my male friends.....

What is the first thing that you notice about a woman that attracts you to them? I asked this of my male friends via text this evening after leaving a workshop that teaches women how to understand men.

In the workshop they said that Shiny Hair, Shapely body, Sensuality and Sexual energy will attract a man to a woman and the response from the man will be they want to have sex with the woman. (PERIOD!) but if a woman is self confident, authentic, passionate, and receptive, to a man he will be Charmed & Enchanted by the woman which will result in the man falling in love with her.

So leaving the workshop, I was thinking and wanted to test the theory. I wanted to know what the ONE thing was that attracted a man to a woman on first glance. My first text went out asking what attracts you to a woman. After getting a few responses I realized I needed to re-phrase so I did to what is the first thing you notice about a woman that attracts you to them?

Here is what they had to say:
Tits, ass & pussy
nice ass
beautiful eyes and long neck
Face
Butt
Looks! Good Figure. Pretty face.
Pretty face
teeth
confidence
nice smile & approachable body language
Hair-because if she don't have any. I'm not interested
Her eyes
nice tit

So if I take all of that which was given by my guy friends, I'm in a pretty good place right now. So now I just need to work on the confidence part of it all the time and stop with the Favorite question of a woman...WHY?

I'll blog more about this workshop over the next few days, I learned a lot!!! Good thing I have AWESOME TITS and a SMILE that breaks hearts!!!

This is why I don't like casual sex!

Casual sex...it's every where these days. Everyone is doing it! As I typed that I heard my mom's voice saying and if everyone jumped out of a plane would you?....umm YES!!!

Casual sex is what has made society what it is in terms of relationships with others. You can easily jump on Craig's list, AFF or any other online dating site and find someone to have a night of casual sex with. So what's wrong with that you're asking? Especially coming from you Ms. Voices who is very open minded preaching at times that sex is really just an exercise for the body, something we all need and have to have to survive. It's not what defines a relationship, enmeshment , joining that is what defines relationships.

Yes I've had casual sex, done the FWB's thing, even gosh behold the FBuddy thing, but the following is why I don't like it. Because SOMEONE always gets attached!, and its usually the woman which equates to ME!!! As we all know men and women have very different views on Sex and handle it very differently.

There have been times in my life I will admit that I was pretty promiscious, I could handle the sex with men as being just a release of the body. These days those I know what I desire and the casual sex part as much as I try to keep it just that CASUAL, I tend to get attached. So that is what happened recently.

I was in a pretty casual relationship with a man. When we started out I was pretty clear that I was looking for a relationship, he seemed inclined to wanting the same thing till we had sex, at which point he said that we wasn't looking for a relationship. Well in all my wisdom I should of just been done with him at that point and walked away...but DAMN my sexual bodiness...if it didn't pick up that phone a time or two late at night for a bootie call. *YES* Even I am guilty of this!!!

So this casual sex partner informs me a while back that he's decided to get back with an ex gf and see if things will work out this time. We actually were out on a casual date when he informed me of this...to be honest we were about to have sex. He then proceeds to tell me that he wanted to tell me face to face so I didn't have any hurt feelings and he wanted to wrap things up. Yeah he wanted one last romp in the hay...or as he referred it as the beast with two backs. *rolling eyes* You're probably saying but Ms. Voices it was just casual, yeah I know and he was polite about the entire thing, but regardless it still hurts when you're rejected. Makes a woman's mind say what is so wrong with me that he didn't want to try with me?

*sighs*

Funny how your body will convience you that your instincts are wrong!

We've all heard the the saying follow your instincts, gut feeling, sixth sense, whatever you want to refer to it as. But what happens when your body reacts differently then those instincts? That's what happened to me yesterday. The kiss that my friend landed on me for a little bit had my mind thinking about the possibility of something more with this man. Unfortunately for him my instincts won out in the morning light and trusting in those instincts proved me right this afternoon when he angrily accused me of somethings and I called our friendship off.

Its funny how we can easily point fingers at people and not see our own actions. I apologized for anything I might have done to effect the situation and owned up to my actions. But as is his normal MO he blamed everyone else around for his part of it. *sighs* As my friend J says, you bite the bullet on that one girl.

In other news....I stood up a possibly really nice guy tonight without even realizing I was doing it. I have never in my life done that. I was at work till 7 tonight working on a HUGE BID for tomorrow, which would mean I would be back at work full time. Which is my goal. This wonderful man and I set up the date last week and then I got cold feet after reading his profile. Then I contacted him and apologized, what I didn't realize was that we were suppose to be keeping the original date. He IM'd me about 7 pm saying well I waited 45 mins. it was nice meeting you. I FELT TERRIBLE!! I still do! Anyone that knows me that is so not my MO!!! So how do I rectify this? I apologized and explained that I was at work still. *sighs* all I can do is apologize and hope that one day he will forgive me. I'm powerless over others and their reactions.

Oh how the body can over ride the mind....be remember in our mind is where we have to finally live with everything we do.

Just a kiss....

One kiss...how can one kiss make me totally change my view on someone? One little kiss today from someone and my mind is swirling around what it all means. I want a man who will court me, who is smitten with me, who does the simple things for a woman.

Sighs just a kiss!

Trespassers will be prosecuted to the highest degree of my heart

I saw following sign the other day and thought to myself why can't we have a sign like that on our hearts?

I mean seriously if you had a sign on your heart that others could see maybe they wouldn't be so nonchalant about how they treated you. Maybe just maybe if they knew that if they trespassed on your heart they would be prosecuted to the highest degree of the law....maybe SHOT!!!

Heartache hurts. Its one reason why I have this love/dislike with internet dating. It's wonderful to be able to chat with someone on line and learn things about them before going on. Its nice to eliminate that sorta first date nerves, because you've already chatted and hopefully are on the same page.

The thing is that first date has to happen...and hopefully you were smart enough to not meet someone that is past a 30 mile radius of you, Especially if you are looking for a LTR. More than 30 miles from you and really you're just asking for disaster. So you're on the first date (okay let's back up here. HE HAS TO ASK YOU OUT ON A FIRST DATE WITHIN THE FIRST 2 WEEKS! and it has to be at least 5 days out. If it's not well read what could happen in my other posts...married/cheating/not really interested) Okay so you're on your first date, and there is chemistry, just not enough!!! That is why I say meet someone quickly so that you aren't wasting your time...and remember 5 dates!!!

So what happens if you do meet someone that is out of the 30 mile radius? Well here is what happens, you're going to have a long distance/text/IM relationship. What happens if you seriously fall for the person? For me a relationship is someone that you spend time with off line...you create memories with. Sure you can share your day and all that online, but at the end of the day your computer is not going to bring much comfort or snuggling when you lay down to bed.

The dislike part of online dating is the fact that you can easily fall for someone. That fairytale love because to be honest you have to take what the person is telling you as the truth. Online you can be anyone you want to be, and there are a lot of people who make things up out there. It's funny I never really thought that I was the type to fall for someone online, but I'm scared that might be happening and to be honest it's not a fun feeling. Knowing that you've meet someone that is 3 hours away whom you want to tell everything about you to, but you hold back because you realize once again that you might be walking into that Trespassing section of your heart. Strange, I really thought that my heart was protected in this bank vault that could NEVER been entered again by anyone, the key was thrown away and only one was made.

My fear is that we will really never meet (2012, is the end of the world after all *giggles*). Or that my feelings are unfounded, or that really he doesn't feel the same as me, or well there are lots of the What if's again!

My heart, mind and soul all private property, trespassers will be prosecuted!

Body aches, tired, not even in the mood!!!

For the past few weeks I have been helping my parents out with the move to the new house. Last weekend I spent packing the old house up for the big move. The past few days I have spent setting up and holding a garage sale. Tomorrow is the LARGE Sale and I pray that stuff sells.

My body hurts. Every little nook and cranny, my back, neck, even my toe nails! Between moving things at their house, moving things to my place and going through everything, I feel dirty, cracky, tired and OLD!!!

So my parents are buying all new things for the new house, so my brother and I had first dibs on anything we wanted in the house. I took the small couch, the queen bed, bookcase, night stand and stand. Nothing really much. Well yesterday there is a conversation about the stereo equipment, and how my brother didn't want to take it (IT'S A NICE STEREO) anyhow I didn't even know that they were going to give the stereo to him. I sorta got upset and was like WHAT!!! I'll take it. My mom was like well I'm not paying you to help me then. I was like whatever. I'll take the stereo. But as I was thinking later, I thought What the heck!! My brother hasn't helped with the move or sale @ all!!! And he got all this shit free. The truck, boat, exercise equipment and a bit more stuff, you're going to also give him the stereo? For not doing anything?

Sometimes I really don't think my mom thinks. It's one reason why I set boundaries for us...and am respecting them. I really can't wait this weekend is over and their move is done.

Do we need to throw it a funeral?

Has courting a woman died in society? Do we need to arrange a funeral for it and stand by its graveside and say what will miss about it? Seriously with today's technology of life it seems that the old fashioned way of courting a woman is Dead! Hand out the hankies there is going to be a lot of crying going on.

When did it become standard for a man to IM or text a woman and say would you like to go out to dinner and then not make the arrangements? When did meeting for coffee or drinks become a standard 1st date? When did a woman's apprehension towards a man because of fear of pain, mean a woman wants a man to beg her? When did being smitten with a woman become something of my grandmother's time?

Who's playing the taps? Put the flags at half mast, pull out the black dresses, and drop the casket 6 feet down. For courting has died and today is the funeral!

Sometimes communicating your concerns....isn't easy!

I've learned over the past year through my program to express my wants, needs, views, concerns and set boundaries. So why is it that trying to have and live healthy relationships with people on all levels of your life, seems harder to communicate than to just not say anything at all

Is it so uncommon for people to express their wants and needs in a non-judgemental/negative way that others automatically become defensive? I don't know but I am truly trying to live and treat others in my life the way I want to be treated.

So I was communicating with a guy who I mentioned yesterday to you my dear blog, who purchased a vehicle for a good friend of his today. This friend is a female, she's a single mom of a 16 year old and according to him things are tight and her current vehicle was falling a part. So he decided to spend the money he had set aside to purchase himself another fun vehicle and purchase his friend a reliable car. I admire him for doing it and think it was an amazing thing to do (hey any of you out there want to pay for me to go to New York City, I wouldn't turn it down. *giggles* just saying!)

So to continue on. Anyhow during this communication I expressed my concerns behind why he had done this for this woman. I was trying to be honest that I was concerned about getting involved with someone whom might have strong feelings for another woman and have just bought her a car. I realized through the conversation that he was feeling a bit attacked and I felt terrible, because this was not my intention at all. My intention was to only express my concerns in a healthy, loving, honest way. *sighs*

When did that become such absurdity? Why is it that we jump to the conclusion that someone is attacking us when they are trying to express their hopes, needs, wants, concerns? Has society become such a out for themselves, defend it for all it's worth system? Where are the peace loving days of the 60's? *giggles* probably washed away with the idea of loving thy neighbor.

Sorta like laying there naked in all your flaws!

So I am on A LOT of dating sites (really who isn't these days!) anywho. I've been on this one site for gosh I think almost 8 years. I chat in its chatroom and really just enjoy the banter of the room sometimes. I don't take anything from the site seriously as well to be honest I don't think I will find what I am looking for. I actually had my profile off for a long time as I was so tired of the nonsense associated with the emails from men, and women!. I mean seriously why is it just because I have a profile on an adult dating site does it have to ONLY constitute a quick hook up? or that, that is what I am looking for.

I enjoy sex as much, if not more than the next woman (sometimes more so then men) and yes my mind can go STRAIGHT to the gutter if I allow it! But yeesh, there is so much more to me than my beewbies!

Anyhow so I turned my profile back on about 3 days ago and made an update on it. Stating something like ask me about my Blog. I'm not sure what made me do it. I suppose because I'm pretty honest and open my dear blog when talking to you and I figured if someone really wants to get to know me they can get a glimpse of me through you my dear blog. What I didn't expect is to feel naked showing all my bodies imperfections, and trust me it's not always a pretty sight!

So here I am now in a state of total dis-belief that someone actually read my blog and wants to ask me out. I feel like a silly school girl blushing and not knowing how to address the situation! Can you believe that? ME A BLUSHING SCHOOL GIRL! *giggles*

So here is the other delimina; although I am honest with you my dear blog I don'ttell you every little aspect of my life. *smiles* I mean I haven't told you recently about what's going on at work, or that mom & dad sold the house and how that is effecting me. Or that The Past is flying the new GF over to the middle east for a vacation. Or that I miss my dog a lot lately. I tell you about the exciting funny dating stories. But there is so much more about me!....like I started my own MEETUP Group....GIRL POWER! and totally excited that we are up to 25 girlies! So yeah you don't know all about me my dear blog. I guess I'm not totally naked I do have some coconuts covering parts of me. *smiles*

*sighs* so now what? Well it seems my Higher Power is watching out for me making me have some patience, as being a standard member on that site I can't return his email till I guess late tonight, patience! We all know I don't have that!

Do I accept a dinner date with this man whom from all aspects of his emails seems respectful, I have been fooled before. Do I stay patience and see how interested he really is and see what he does to convience me he's really the man he wants to be and find a way to make me say yes? Do I make the present pay for former experiences? or isntead allow the present to be exactly that a PRESENT a gift that might actually be pretty amazing!

I'd like the simplest part of the menu please!

I can get sex...I can get sex...I can get sex!!! Why do men seriously not understand that what I am missing in my life is not the physical part of sex and the simplest part of the menu. Maybe on a man's menu a woman's simple part is really the most complex on theirs. After all they say men are Mars women are from Venus or something silly like that.

Sure I miss the physical part of sex at times. A large rough hand caressing my thighs, a warm wet mouth biting down on a hard excited nipple or even the first entering of my lady part. All these are amazing and make sex enjoyable, but you can really get that from and tom, dick or harry in any corner bar. Its the simplest part of the menu that I crave.

The debating over breakfast about how to handle the oil spill and fill the hole, the expressing my views and thoughts and knowing they'll still meet ya for dinner that night even if they disagree. It's knowing they are going to be there the next morning. The one who grabs your hand as your walking, holds the door, or texts just to say hey! The one who asks how your day went. The simplest things that make humanity bearable.

The one your heart jumps when you hear his voice on the other end, your smile crosses your face, eyes and body every time you see them. The one person who can chase the clouds away. The one that no matter where you go it seems like an adventure that you never want to end.

The one that you could give all of yourself to body, soul, mind and know that when they throw you against the wall kissing you passionately, as a hand finds your panties that in the end you are going to be filled with gentleness.

Where is the waiter? I'd like to order of the simplest part of the menu please!

why am I feeling down?

Why is it that today I looked @ The Past's Facebook page and it shook me up? Nothing has changed. I know why we aren't together and I have no desire to get back together. I do miss him at times but I know I am in a better place today.

So why it have me sad and wanting to crawl into bed crying? Is my cycle coming? Is it that my birthday is in a few days? Or the anniversary of Izzy's passing? Am I just overwhelmed and depressed? Is that I am feeling down that there is no one in my life to treat me specially on my birthday? No flowers that will be delivered to my office this year, no special kisses. Maybe I am just being emotional. I don't know.

Maybe crawling back into bed would be best. Kisses and hugs this afternoon from my god baby will cheer me...she's turning 2 and that is great!

So who knows hopefully I'll get past this in a few hours.

Why do men call women drama?

Why is it that men have this un caddy way of calling a woman drama? The way they say it sometimes is like a slap across the face almost as bad as calling her a Bitch or a Cunt. Two words I despise greatly. So why is it that men say this? Do they teach them in some boy's school exactly what to say to hurt a girl?

So why am I thinking this or why am I wondering these thoughts? Well stupid me went over to Ice Tea man's house again last night. It was nice we hung out, watched the pacific, had pizza, sex (bad sex this time) and then he drove me to my car. Here is where it gets to the drama part, as we were walking out to his car he was telling me about how he didn't drink in college and some stories from his fraternity. When he was done I started to share about myself how I hadn't really drank until my divorce @ 30. That seeing your best friend killed by a drunk driver @ 16 sorta puts a damper on wanting to drink. So as I said this, Mr Ice Tea man says aren't you just full of Drama, I was like what? I said to him how is something that has happened in my life, something I didn't cause or have anything to do with make me DRAMA? To which he looked at me and said you've had a lot of drama in your life. I shook my head as the elevator showed up and got in.

It hurt and pissed me off and I thought to myself HOW THE HELL AM I DRAMA from things that have happened in my life. If anything everything that has happened in my life has molded me into who I am today. I think I'm pretty sane for having lost people in my life, children, an abusive marriage and other things, amazing how that is considered drama. I didn't turn to drugs, drinking or anything else, I learned and grew from the things that have happened to me.

I have to remind myself though that it's his issues not mine. I take the things that have happened to me and grow from them, isn't that what life is about?

I so adore my friends!!

Last night was my birthday dinner. What a wonderful amazing night, I had so much fun. I got pleasantly buzzed not overly drunk but happily buzzed. I have amazing friends in my life & am a very lucky woman.

They all make me smile and are in my life for so many different reasons that I am so grateful to my higher power for the diversity they bring to my life. The best part of it all is that they all got along greatly. I don't know why I had any 'doubts they are my friends after all! *smiles*

So there are a few decisions that came out of last night. I cut two men out of my life last night. They RSVP'd that they would be there and than didn't show up. No text saying they weren't making it NOTHING! To me that is just total disrespect. Yes you could say woooo S what if something came up that they couldn't show up? Well I thought about that, except there is a history of disrespect on these two men's parts and this was the final straw for me. So I texted them both last night telling them off and telling them to lose my number. Deleted them from my phone, IM and email. Setting boundaries to protect myself and healthy loving respectful relationships in my life.

I feel good and awesome about the future.